Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A Shot at Celebrity

So as hard as this is to admit and still maintain my dignity, I've been watching, nay, HOOKED on "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila".

For those of you over the age of 25, or those of you who have been living under a rock, Tila Tequila is "famous" for her presence on Myspace. She has like a million friends and a couple horrible songs and now this reality show.

In the first episode we find out that Tila is bisexual. She had 16 guys and 16 girls to pick from in the very beginning and narrowed it down to only two- Dani and Bobby. (Dani's the girl...on the left.) There were all sorts of characters on the show, all sorts of crazy drama and fighting and drunkenness and stripper poles and what have you... but as silly and smutty as it sounds, it was addicting.

Who would she pick? A guy? A girl? The drama kept me tunning in every week, and honestly I found myself routing for the girls. For a female to come out on national television and say "Yes, I'm a lesbian" is very courageous. The girls seemed the most genuine and caring, whereas the guys reminded me of every other jerk every other girl has ever dated.

Fast-forward through the cross-dressing, animal parts eating and chocolate pudding to tonight's finale- Who will Tila pick... Bobby or Dani?

After some smoochy scenes, "I love you"s and a few flashbacks, it's the moment of truth.

My jaw is literally dropped open as Tila takes her dear sweet time to completely crush my hopes by picking Bobby. Ugh.

I'm not doubting her "bisexuality" or who she's in love with, and I promise I won't ramble on about "reinforcing the patriarchal ideal"...it's just...come on! Dani was so real, so nice, and so loving! She knows who she is and what she wants! Luckily there wasn't anything heavy within my reach at the end of the episode.

But wait...why should I care?
What is with this trend in Reality TV voyeurism? First it was Survivor, Amazing Race, and Fear Factor, those shows I can handle. The competition is real.

But now we've made a competition out of love. I was hooked on the drama of someone else's supposed love life? I'm starting to feel a little icky for watching.

Hopefully this trend will be over sooner rather than later.
Hopefully we'll stop giving celebrity status to people just for being "Myspace whores".

Hah. Yeah. :-\

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Half-way to 40!

I'd like to take a minute to say a big


to John Mark Thomas...aka Marko Polo!

In honor of Mark's birthday, I'd like to share a few important things that happened on this day in history-

- Emperor Nero was born

- The first street cleaning machine was used in Philadelphia in 1854

- World premiere of "Gone With The Wind in 1939
Pirates of Caribbean ride opens at Disneyland in 1973
- Playboy goes back on sale after 36 year ban in Ireland in 1995
- And hey it's Bill of Rights Day!

Happy Birthday Mark! Enjoy 20...once you turn 21 it's all down hill from there. ;-)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful?

I'm starting to think that the Weather Channel is just as inflammatory in their stories as certain so called "news" channels. While I understand Tulsa and other areas in Oklahoma, Missouri and parts of Kansas do not have power, and tragically people have died in auto accidents related to the weather, the worst thing I encountered on my way home from Springfield today was me driving a little too fast thanks to the buzz from the crazy combination of Monster energy drink and coffee.

I wanted my final to be canceled tomorrow. Thanks for nothing Weather Channel.

In other news, I turned in my first official "big" grad. school paper. When I say big I actually mean that it was supposed to be 15 pages but mine is only 14.5 because I just couldn't B.S. any more. Long story short I think I managed to prove using Eliade and Durkheim that religion and the sacred can exist in both religion online (real world religions with a web presence) and online religion (religions based exclusively in the cyber world)...more specifically in Second Life. Woohoo.
I'm ready for winter break.

I'm starting to think my thesis work will be over religion and popular culture to some extent, I just don't know what yet.

Tomorrow is my only final exam and once that's done I'm taking myself to the public library to get some books that I want to read... I couldn't be more excited!

Good-bye Second Life...it was fun while it lasted.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Star of Wonder...

(The picture is the view from my apartment's back door.)

I love the light pollution winter brings.

The remaining snow on the ground reflects the light from the street lights, the stadium and parking lots and it is gorgeous.

It reminds me of those longs summer nights at camp, but instead of a campfire I'll take a fire in the fireplace and the ice cold beer has been replaced by peppermint schnapps in hot chocolate.

It is beautiful crisp evenings like this that I walk a little slower to my apartment door and take another cold deep breath.

Life is beautiful.

I'm off to Springfield for a few days to celebrate birthdays, finish my Second Life paper and possibly get snowed in. :-)

Friday, November 30, 2007

Can you blame the sky for having clouds?

(If you don’t feel like reading there’s a cute hamster picture at the end of this entry ;-) )

A paper I wrote for my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class yesterday morning (7 pages in 2 hours...I still rock!) got me thinking about the nature of my personality versus the person I desire to be.

My paper dealt with "conflict transformation", specifically what various religious groups are doing to aid in the process. My research gave me a plethora of examples, and I am still in awe of those individuals who bravely put their own lives on the line to help resolve and transform conflict in violent, tense situations.

Allow me to let you in on the train of thought which led from the Catholic Relief Services to my personal discomfort with how snarky I can be when it comes to ex-boyfriends-

I wonder what causes conflict, what is at the root of hatred? In my small group in class we swerved pretty far off topic and found ourselves discussing Mel Gibson's hate speech during his DUI arrest. It was unimaginable to us how an individual could hate another person so much simply because of their race or religion or what have you.

A quote I used in my paper from Douglas Johnston makes me wonder…

“Reconciliation born of spiritual conviction can play a critical role by inspiring conflicting parties to move beyond the normal human reaction of responding in kind, of returning violence for violence

Is this really the “normal human reaction”? Is this what we’re programmed to do? Is my default setting hatred and a thirst for retribution?

Sometimes I think that might be true. I’m horrible when it comes to ex-boyfriends…don’t think that I don’t have multiple scripts in my mind of mean snarky things I’d love to say to them, especially if their wives/fiancĂ©es/girlfriends were around. The hurt I felt has congealed into repulsion and general spitefulness.

So I’m working through it; I’m working through the hurt to transform my own conflicts into positive energy. I want so badly to live the Eightfold Path, to truly love my neighbor as myself…but why should that be a such a struggle for me unless I’m inherently broken?

So what is it?

Can you blame the sky for having clouds?
(Inherent goodness with a few bad days)


Can you blame a fire for burning?
(Inherent brokenness explains everything)

I'd love to hear what you think...

Here’s the afore-promised hamster picture! Aww…

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Harry Krishna

Pictures are over rated sometimes...here's a video-

Mark decided I needed a reason to come home at night, so he got me this adorable hamster. We had a few issues last night with a noisy wheel, but now that I've got that problem fixed Harry and I are quite peacefully co-habitating.

Expect to hear more about him now that I have become a crazy hamster lady.

And before I forget, thank you to Eli for agreeing to be Harry's godfather...you can school him in the ways of musical theatre and Wii!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

With a Little Help From My Friends...

So Marko Polo and I got creative tonight and produced this little ditty-

With a Little Help From My Friends

You might want to turn down your speakers a little...we're rockstars!

The quote at the beginning is from Across the Universe soundtrack. If you haven't seen the movie yet *ahem Mom and Dad ahem* I definitely recommend it.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Happy Chrismahannukwanzafestivivsolstice

(Pardon my momentary inflammatory speech)

Dear Right-wing Fundy Christian Whiners-

Please shut up.

Thanks and blessings!

Lindsey in Lawrence

You have absolutely no right to complain that we have completely removed Jesus from the Christmas season, as I am pretty sure I was forced to endure a techno-remix of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" while shopping at Victoria's Secret.

Jesus and underwear don't mix....give me Madonna's "Santa Baby" any day. Maaaybe I'll just put those back (kidding...kidding)!

However I will stick to "Happy Holidays" when greeting people around this time of the year, not out of lack of reverence for the season or fear of offending, but because I think Jesus would like us to celebrate his *ahem* "birthday" by loving one another and being inclusive.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Peace in Action

I had a great experience in my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class this morning.

We were fortunate enough to have a former KU student (he graduated in May) come and speak to us. His named is Jon Dennis and he is involved in all sorts of activist and peace organizations, and even started one of his own on KU's campus. He spoke about his experiences protesting the war (being arrested for civil disobedience) and his current activism project helping tenants of low-income housing fight for their rights. What I found most interesting is that he was raised a Pentecostal, yet now considers himself a Quaker. Jon will be headed off to Thailand with the Peace Corps in January and I wish him the best of luck!

Along the same lines I'd like to share with you a couple of people who are doing great things in the world-

Beth's Peace Corps Adventures in Honduras

I've known Beth since middle school...she's an old camp friend who spent many a semester during her college career at TCU abroad in Central and South America. Now she's in Honduras with the Peace Corps doing community development work. You should definitely check out her blog and the work she's doing.

Andrea in the Peace Corps
Another camp friend of mine, Andrea, is also serving in the Peace Corps. She was just recently deployed to Turkmenistan (I'll admit, I had to go look that up on a map) and is documenting her journey as well.

Both these women are courageous and I'm proud of them. It takes a special sort of person to volunteer their time and 27 months of their life to go abroad, and I know they will do good things. I hope to join their ranks some day...until then I'll live vicariously through their blogs. :-)

Today's Life Lesson

Do not go to the grocery store when you are in a bad mood.

The fat kid ran rampant today at Dillon's. Everything in my cart was either full of sugar, sodium or fat. The fat kid grabbed Fruity Pebbles and popsicles, PopTarts, cheese and tortillas...

After I talked myself down and picked up some apples, bananas and whole wheat bread, I desperately searched every aisle for some glorious processed cheese product....because the only thing that could make me feel better at this point is grilled cheese, dammit.

With Thanksgiving coming up it's going to be a long week for my stomach. *rarrr*
Bring on the food.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Grumpy Feminist

"Feminism is a struggle to end sexist oppression. Therefore, it is necessarily a struggle to eradicate the ideology of domination that permeates Western culture on various levels as well as a commitment to reorganizing society so that the self-development of people can take precedence over imperialism, economic expansion, and material desires.” -bell hooks

This is what I looked like on the inside during REL 601 today.

We were discussing feminist and gender critiques of religion (Rita Gross and Marsha Hewitt) as well as feminist reconstructions of religion.

Jen and I, being the ones to present for the day, were on top of our game and ready to roll. This was our thing, what we're interested in..the sort of thing that really fascinates me.

But then it happened...the same way it always happens. We're literally two sections into Jen's outline on the Rita Gross reading and all of a sudden the men are on the defensive.

One of them starts spouting off about how this feminist propaganda is completely anti-male; another starts some sort of strange rant about how even if we have women's studies, there aren't that many significant women to study and therefore spending 50% of your time on women would take vital time away from the vast array of significant men to study. Oh and then we wasted ten minutes listening to the discussion of how women aren't considered "other", and I quote..."I mean, they may be lesser humans but they're still humans".

I spent most of my time biting my pen, because to me feminism and religious studies are about dialogue, about listening to the others around you and seeking understanding...but how do you seek understanding when those around your are on the defensive?

I'll admit it- I threw away any sort of skillful means I may have been endowed with and just straight up went on the attack. Which, if you know me, means I said one mean thing very politely in a way that no one understood I was being mean. Ha!

If I understand correctly, the main complaint of the "propaganda" guy was that women's studies is just like affirmative action. He offered the metaphor of a pendulum, saying that perhaps it has swung in the direction of androcentrism (male centered) focus, but insisting on women's studies simply pushes it way too far in the other direction.

I couldn't chew on my pen any longer. I calmly offered this-

The problem with the pendulum in our society is that we see it as "normal" and "centered" when in all actuality it is stuck quite far on the androcenterist side. An emphasis on women's studies and gender does not push the pendulum too far the other direction, but rather seeks to bring it back to center. It will take time of course, but a push in the other direction is necessary to bring us back to center.

It is so frustrating to me when men jump to the defensive when it comes to discussing feminism. Feminism is not man-hating...it is all encompassing. Those two particular men in my class made it quite clear the inherent patriarchal fear of losing their position in society.

Ahh well. Boys will be boys eh? I'm not discouraged...just grumpy.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

There's Nothing New on Television

(And I'm not just talking about the writer's strike!)

Dear Ellen Degeneres-

I am disappointed.

You should fire whoever does the research for your talk show.

This afternoon's episode involved "Kid Inventors", today in particular featuring young girls who had made inventions. The first girl was cute, having invented a back pack that has an umbrella attached...but the second girl *sigh* shame shame. She "invented" a peanut butter jar with two lids.


There used to be a show on Nickelodeon called "Figure It Out" where celebs had to guess the hidden talent of the young guest. On a particular "Family Style" episode a young man and his mom presented ...guess what? A peanut butter jar with two lids.

I, being the great member of the Millenial generation that I am, am appalled that this particular girl would try to sneak this by us.

Ugh. If the writers and those with the money could come to an agreement a little faster, that would be great. I'm about done with re-runs of the Daily Show.

(Forgive my moment of shallowness, I'm getting sick thanks to this crazy up and down change in weather and this sort of thinking is currently easier than tackling real issues. I appologize.)

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Only 48 Shopping Days Left...

We started playing Christmas music at Pier 1 yesterday.

Since there are two different versions of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" on the CD, I was lucky enough to hear it 6 times in my 8 hour shift. Oh and who doesn't love a disco version of "Do You Hear What I Hear" and a jazzed up version of "Jingle Bells"? It's novel the first two times...after that I really just had to stick my fingers in my ears.

Christmas Carols are like hymns to me...very rarely do I stop to actually listen to the words and when I do, I wish I hadn't.

I am now officially creeped out by Santa.
In "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" we learn that Santa "sees you when you're sleeping/he knows when you're awake/he knows if you've been bad or good/so be good for goodness sake". We give Santa this creepy god-like omnipotence, but just as I'm wondering whether or not Santa is sort of a representation for God I hear "Here Comes Santa Clause"-

Peace on earth will come to all
It we just follow the light
So lets give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight!

Oh yes...let's thank God that a creepy fat man in a red suit is going to magically squeeze his way down all the chimneys in the world and leave gifts while gorging himself on milk and cookies. Let's thank God for the spirit of consumerism Santa instills in us all. That's surely the way to peace on Earth. Ugh.

It's going to be a long 48 days!

If I ever have kids (as that is a potentiality I have) I'm not sure that I'm going to encourage them to believe in Santa. That's right, my kids will be the ones that make your kids cry in kindergarten when they tell the class Santa isn't real. But maybe I'm just bitter thanks to all the holiday cheer being crammed down my throat through the audio system. I'll get back to you in a few years. ;-)

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Convenient Concussions

Yesterday morning I gave myself a concussion.
"No more monkeys jumping on the bed" means nothing to me apparently, as I flopped back on my bed and knocked my head squarely against the wall.

I suppose you could call it serendipitous (though right now I'm just calling it a headache) because from the time I hit my head at 9 am until about 6:30 pm I don't really remember any conversations I had. This includes some rather stressful conversations, and while I remember being upset, I don't remember what was said. While I do feel bad for whatever I may have said that was inappropriate and I apologized...it's an odd feeling to not have those words still bouncing around in my head.

Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. I keep thinking about "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and what it would mean to actually mentally "erase" people from my life.

If you could get rid of certain memories, would you do it?

PS: Speaking of forgetting- I keep forgetting to thank TheMindtaker for doing such a wonderful job creating my header. He's quite talented with Photoshop. Thanks Gabriel!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Craving and Clinging

It's nights like these
(when I am screaming and sobbing into my pillow for lack of understanding of anything)
that make me wish I didn't have to grow up.

I drove myself home from my store meeting tonight, sat down in my button up dress shirt and khakis and had a glass of wine. Later, to my horror, I discovered the beginnings of wrinkles on my face. I'm 23...why do I feel 35?

Part of me (that prior to writing this entry was screaming and sobbing) wishes I could just wander down the hall to my parents bedroom, wake Dad up and actually believe him when he says its all going to be okay. Right now, I'm not doing a very good job of convincing myself.

I just want to be understood and accepted.
I spend my days acting- at work, at school...trying to fit in accurately in social situations.
One Lindsey for this setting, another for a different time and place.
It's tiring. I lose track of myself.

I am so insecure about letting my guard down and simply being comfortable, that when I do...the slightest little off-handed comment sends me into a tail-spin.

I just wish all those freshmen weren't so cute.
I hate November.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Maintain the Quarantine

So I'm sitting here in Drury's library in beautiful Springfield,MO... I'm supposed to be working on a book review due next week, but instead I've been busy playing addicting online games, facebook stalking and watching Mark write his Leibniz paper for Modern Philosophy. I decided to take a momentary break from the mind-numbing to blog.

I've been neglecting this thing, but it hasn't been for lack of ideas. I wanted to make a great post on torture and the ideas I'm learning in my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class. I

I also really wanted to write about this new Planned Parenthood blog, I Am Emily X, which has entries written by Planned Parenthood workers and allows you to pledge a certain amount per every protester that shows up outside of a specific PP during the anti-choice groups' "40 days for life campaign".

But alas, papers and classes have kept me away from my beloved blog. Silly grad school.

All that aside... I'd like to pose a question to you, my loyal readers-

Last weekend Mark and I watched "28 Weeks Later", the horrible sequel to "28 Days Later". Though some people classify the two as zombie movies, they're really not. Zombies are the undead, reanimated to life by some sinister force or virus or whatever...point is- zombies are dead humans brought back to life. In the 28 series, the so-called "zombies" are actually just humans who have contracted the "Rage virus" which makes them lose control and mercilessly tear other people to bits and/or gouge other people's eyes out with their thumbs. (Was that really necessary? Ugh.)

Watching the sequel prompted both Mark and I to promise each other that we would shoot the other one if for some reason they ever contracted such a virus. (And trust me Mark, I will definitely shoot you before I have to die bleeding out of my empty eye-sockets. ) As Mark put it- "It wouldn't be me."

So here's the question- What makes you YOU? How do you identify what is you and what is not? If I contract an illness that causes brain damage and experience a personality change (I start acting like I'm "not myself") am I a different person?

If you identify yourself simply with your body, then what about zombies? Is a dead person reanimated still that person, even if their desires have changed? (i.e. BRAAAAAAAIIIINNNNS!)

Perhaps I'm putting waaaay too much thought into silly zombie movies, but it's Halloween! :-)
And I'm curious to hear what you think...

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go dig up Drury's copies of the Dianetics. My Thetan levels are too high. ;-)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


October and November are always difficult for me.

Maybe it's the mid-term crunch, the impending doom of papers and finals, the change in the weather, the stress of long distance relationships, of old relationships, of newly re-defined relationships...who knows?

All I know is it's never easy and while I am doing my best to not fall victim to my autumn slump this year, it feels like I'm climbing up hill.

I tend to not want to blog or even write in my own personal journal because I don't want any of this mood recorded for posterity. So I apologize if posts are few and far between...I don't think you care about my "the days are getting shorter" grumpiness anyway. ;-) Haha!

I'm going to start working more hard core on my "Second Life religiosity" paper, so expect updates on that...I'm pretty excited. :-)

However I'm not giving up hope that there is a possibility that this autumn could be di

Thursday, October 11, 2007

When you were young and your heart was an open book...

So I have another song to add to the list of "Songs Lindsey Isn't Allowed to Listen to While Driving"-

"Live and Let Die" a la Paul McCartney.

This list currently contains any Rob Zombie song and the techno song "Sandstorm", and while I had successfully gotten over my nasty little speeding habit by the age of 21...listening to these songs can be quite dangerous.

If for some reason I give up on academia, I think I will become a stunt driver. You see, when I'm behind the wheel and some crazy song with a driving beat and killer riff comes on I find myself wanting to re-enact a scene from "Death Proof". But rest assured I'm not going to take anyone on a killer ride in my little Honda Accord...however, if you ever meet Quentin Tarantino and he starts talking about a Death Proof 2, give him my number. ;-)

PS: That picture is old. My car is currently just fine! :-D

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

all things grow, all things grow...

Sometimes real life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Like when you wake up from a really good dream and realize you're still alone...

Or when you finish your first graduate school midterm only to realize 5 minutes later that you answered the whole last section incorrectly... at least this time you weren't alone!

But sometimes real life can be so good...

Like when you get out of class an hour early and go out to dinner with your classmates. It's so nice to have female companions around again. (No offense boys!) I've missed the joy of girl talk and the lovely ladies of the 118.

And who doesn't love spinach and feta surrounded by flaky phyllo dough with yummy yogurt sauce? Oh yeah...that would be my stomach. Screw it.

Life is good.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Church in RL v. Church in SL

I went to church twice today...sort of.

This morning I headed into KC to go to worship service at Shawnee Park (my home church where I grew up). I needed a little "introvered extrovert" time and church was the perfect place to recharge. I was able to be around people, instead of alone in my apartment, but I didn't have to really talk to anyone either. Lucky me, we sang some of my favorite songs and I was able to get much-needed hugs from my multiple sets of church parents.

Fast forward to this evening...

After I just couldn't take any more of "The Fox and the Jewel" for my Religion in Japan class, I hopped on Second Life. My avatar appeared in the last placed I'd visited which happened to be Koinonia Church, which is "affiliated" with the UCC. I figured there was definitely less of a chance I'd be hit on by half naked strange avatars there, so I decided to hang out for awhile.

And wow, I'm glad I did! I was able to meet the pastor of the Second Life (SL) church, Sophianne. In real life (RL) she's a Master of Divinity student at Candler divinity school which is a part of Emory University in Atlanta. She's writing her thesis on this sort of technological spiritual experience, and I'm looking forward to talking to her more about it in the future as I write my research paper at the end of the semester and develop my thesis topic.

Maybe this SL world isn't all bad. It's possible there are pockets of good intentions...I think so.

But once again it's strange for me, because as I sat there talking to the people who were hanging out at Koinonia, I was sitting in my apartment in my underwear drinking a beer and no one was the wiser!

Saturday, October 6, 2007


Last night at work gave me the perfect opportunity to reach outside myself and practice compassion.

I was in a grumpy mood when I showed up for my 1-9:30 shift yesterday. I was going to grit my teeth and get it done, but I was going to grumble my way through it.

Things changed however when I realized I wasn't the only one having a bad day. My friends who were working that night were having it a lot more rough than perhaps I
ever have.

So I took a deep breath and took Thich Nhat Hahn's advice about intentional listening and deep understanding. I can only hope that talking to someone helped them to feel a little better, but I will probably never know. I do know however that it felt good for me to step outside myself and try to genuinely be there for another person. It's an amazing experience when time and the rest of the world slows down and you can mindfully be present with another human being.

I think the hardest part of understanding suffering is understanding (and more so accepting) that not only is the victim hurting, but the one who perpetrated the hurt is suffering just as much if not more so. We like to "otherize" people who hurt us. We don't want to understand or feel compassion for our enemies.

I like the quote on Kat's facebook profile- "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Another thought- Sushi four times in the past week. Not only am I spoiled, I'm probably going to get mercury poisoning.

Do you care for tea?

Clean cup, clean cup. Move down!


Lindsey Dayafter got bored checking out churches and other serene places, so she headed to a place called "Lucifer's Nightclub" or something to that effect to get her groove on. I don't know how long I can continue with this Second Life experiment because I'm already tired of people propositioning me. Get a life people...sheesh.
Oh wait...

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Free Burma

Free Burma!

Lindsey gets a Second Life

Okay I'll admit it (because that's all I do on this blog any more) I joined Second Life. After that discussion in class during our session on Durkheim (see post), I was curious.

So I made an avatar (named Lindsey Dayafter) and set off to explore this new online world. People have apparently been making a lot of money selling items and real estate in this second world. You can hold concerts and movie screenings, get married and even go to church...which is where I come in.

My intention behind joining Second Life is to explore the spiritual life that avatars (and the people behind them) have. Today I spent some time exploring different "houses of worship", from LifeChurch.tv's building, to the Church of Satan, to a Zen meditation center and finally a Catholic monastery. The picture above is of my avatar kneeling in prayer at a chapel in the monastery. It's pretty cool. I'm looking forward to going back to the various different places of worship to check out their services and discussion groups.

But here's the question- is this real spirituality, real religious devotion? I mean, you can see quite clearly that my avatar, Lindsey Dayafter, is kneeling and praying in the Second Life world, but in all honestly I was eating lunch and watching *cringe* Maury while my she was being pious. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to people and find out what this means to them, if they do this with devotion or just for fun.

The internet is such a strange new world that absolutely fascinates me...especially when religion is involved. Hmm...do I smell a thesis topic?


Apparently Lindsey Dayafter is quite the pluralist-

Meditating at a Buddhism and Yoga center (it's also a nightclub and has a stage for concerts)

Meditating at a Shinto shrine which also had a giant gold Buddha next to it

Worshiping at that Shinto shrine

(Lindsey's been busy)

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

And any time you feel the pain...

As cliche as it is, I've had a line from RENT stuck in my head since yesterday-

"The opposite of WAR isn't PEACE...it's CREATION!"

Why was this particular line stuck in my head you ask? I'll admit it- my birthday weekend wasn't that great. No one's fault really, my body just declared war on itself and I didn't deal with it very well.

Now, in the recovery period, I'm embracing my unfortunately Type A personality...
I don't relax very well I've realized. For that longest time I've been frustrated with this, as I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can't just veg out on the couch and watch TV and feel better.

So I spent yesterday relaxing my way- by getting stuff done. Truck day at work was a great way to work through my stress. Brett and I kicked ass unloading the truck and getting all the candles unpacked and put away before we went home (that usually never happens). I felt so good about being productive that when I got home, I made and froze enchiladas so I could have dinner for sometime later this week and paid all of my bills. Sushi with Kat and Meghan, followed by Pan's Labyrinth was a great way to end the day.

At the end of it all I went to bed with a sense of relief, feeling like I'd gotten something done.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm slowly learning to be okay with my form of relaxation. While I'm sure there will be days where vegging out on the couch is the best option, I feel like yesterday was a big step in the right direction. Creating and accomplishing brings me peace.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have stuff to do. ;-)

Friday, September 28, 2007

Educated Horses

The Tough Guy adjusted her aviator sunglasses, checked her hair in the rear view mirror and sped out of the apartment parking lot onto 15th street.

It was a gorgeous day outside; the kind of day that makes you want to roll down your windows and force everyone else to listen to your horrible taste in music. Rob Zombie it is, the Tough Guy thought as the sunlight bling-ed off her nose ring.

Her destination- the cigar store. It was buy 3 get one free day and the Tough Guy wanted some birthday cigars. Later, Left Hand Milk Stout and Kahlua smoke dancing on her tongue would make her very happy she made the journey.

Such a gorgeous day outside, but why couldn't she shake the horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach?

Was it the...? No. Maybe the.... ? No.

Oh yeah...she realized. Cupcakes don't keep for three weeks. No matter how badly I want chocolate, fuzzy german chocolate is never a good idea.


It's my birthday weekend (I turn 23 on Sunday) and I am very excited. :-)
Mark's coming into town and we have all sorts of entertaining things planned.
Enjoy your weekend!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

This Worldly

(Btw, this picture is of a real cell phone charm you can buy on Ebay...so if you can't think of a birthday present for me... ;-))

In my Religion in Modern Japan class we've been studying what are called "new religions". (The new religions are basically religions that aren't the two historical religions of Japan- Buddhism and Shinto. ) There is one in particular that we focused on- Kurozumikyo, that I think is really interesting...but I'll comment on that at a later date.

One of the major critiques of religion in Japan is that it is too focused on "worldly benefits". There are multiple shrines and rituals that focus on specific needs and wants of the religious actors- for example a shrine where you can get amulets for protection of a new car. You pray to the various kami (deities) for prosperity and good fortune.

But I got to thinking- how often is Christianity subject to the same thing?

"Oh God if you just help me pass this test I promise I'll go to church every Sunday!"
"Please God, I want my team to win tonight..."
You get the picture...

What is the point of religion in the Western world? Does it help us feel more fulfilled as humans? Or do we go to church and pray simply to reap the benefits and blessing that we hope will be bestowed upon us?

I'd like to say that religion should be about fulfillment and living a better life, but then again I'm the girl who does experiments in instantaneous karma by donating to the Salvation Army and then buying a lottery ticket.

Just a thought...

Monday, September 24, 2007

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places...

First off let me say- I am not a big fan of "chick flicks". While I do watch them from time to time, I'd definitely prefer a good comedy or sci-fi flick.

However, last night I found myself watching the chick flick to end all chick flicks- "The Notebook".

I thought I could just blow it off, that it would be a nice way to end my weekend stay in Springfield and it would give Marko Polo some time to get some homework done...Nope.

Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably and slow dancing with Mark as the credits rolled.
Damn you "The Notebook". Damn you.

I don't know what it was- my subconscious fear of getting old and senile, the beautiful tragedy that was the love story...who knows? The movie wasn't even that good!

What I do know, and what is good is the beautiful non-so-tragic love story that is my life. It's so wonderful to love without compromises and be loved in return for who I am (even if who I am means sobbing at a silly chick flick). Finally...Love- to be understood, supported and challenged...to feel renewed.

For the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love. -ginsberg

In other news-

Maitreya has come to Pier 1! Well Budai technically, but who really knows the difference anyway? ;-) While I'm still sad that I sold my favorite Amitabha the other day, it's nice to have a smiling face around the store.

Life is good. Very good.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


To the nice guy in my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace Class-

Thank you for always nodding your head in agreement with whatever anyone says, even when they're rambling a little. You always manage to make me feel like I'm not a complete idiot, even on those days when I'm Moses without Aaron. Thank you also for reminding me that we should support each other in class and actually listen instead of just waiting for our turn to talk.

That Girl Who Asked You What Gauge Your Ears Are

To Gmail-

Stop reading my emails. Your personalized ad thing at the top of my inbox is starting to make me mad. I do not need a fake doctor's note as I really was sick yesterday, and just because I have swollen lymph nodes it does not mean I have lymphoma.

Sick Girl

I just handed in the first paper of my graduate school career this morning. Ironically enough I'm ambivalent about my work on "The Ambivalence of the Sacred". I'm just glad to have it done and to be jetting off to Springfield for the weekend. Life is good.

Monday, September 17, 2007

I Don't Believe in Peter Pan
Frankenstein or Superman
All I Wanna Do Is...

My early birthday present from my parents this year was a bicycle.
I was really excited about going for rides and being able to get to class much easier...that was until about 11:15 today.

The Mindtaker was kind enough to accompany me on my inaugural ride, thankfully, because not too long into my ride I thought the bottom half of my body was going to forcibly remove itself from me. Okay perhaps I'm being a bit over-dramatic (Me? Never!), but I hadn't been on a bike in forever and it really REALLY hurt. I wanted to quit. We weren't even on campus yet and I wanted to give up and walk the damn thing home.

Gabriel was patient with me, (I'll admit I was acting like a five year old) and reminded me that it would get easier, that I should put the bike in a lower gear, and that I could do it. He didn't agree when I made disparaging comments about how I looked like a "dipwad" pedaling in such a low gear, and even humored my attempt at feigning bike knowledge when I told him he needed to raise his seat. We managed to make it all the way to the religious studies building and back...even surviving the descent down a steep hill directly south of my apartment complex. No brakes....next time. :-) Thanks Gabe, I couldn't have done it without you.

Supposedly you never forget how to ride a bike. I call bullshit on that one. I needed time to re-learn, to gain balance, to use muscles long forgotten.

I think my spiritual life is looking more and more the same way. It's been so long since I've legitimately practiced, actually put devotion and intention into it, that I'm scared. I try a little, here and there, but 5 minutes into it I'm about ready to give up...and I do.

I'm realizing more and more that spirituality is hard to foster (at least for me) by yourself. I need someone who can show me compassion and patience when I'm acting like a five year old. Someone who will encourage me and explore with me and not let me give up.

I used to think that everyone who followed some sort of organized religion were sheep. (Cynicism and skepticism are my vices.) But more and more it'd be nice to find someone who has a vague idea of what's going on, advice on how to get where I want to go and insights to share.

I just don't know that church is where I want to be. Even where I need to be.
Isn't there a lower gear for this whole spirituality thing?

Friday, September 14, 2007

It's All In Your Head...

I spent some time yesterday thinking about suffering.

I'll admit it, I'm a little old lady- I occasionally struggle with sciatica and it was especially bad yesterday on my walk home from class. I felt a little bit like Igor dragging my foot behind me.
I know, I'm being over-dramatic...but you get the point.

But it got me thinking- what is suffering really?

We toss that word around sometimes without thinking. Suffering, for me, is nothing compared to the suffering of someone in say a conflict-ridden area of Africa.

But is there a hierarchy of suffering? Is my pain any less valid because of what I was born into?

Is the mental suffering many of us Americans struggle with less valid than the physical suffering of those in third-world countries?

I want to alleviate suffering. To devote my life to bringing peace to those around me.
Africa might be a bit hard for me to help all by myself at this point in my life.
So I'll start with an ice pack and my good friends and work from there.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Side-Tracking 101

I learned how to do it in high school.

I perfected it during undergrad.

Now, I'm unintentionally doing it in my graduate classes.

Don't ask me how we did it, but somehow in REL 601: "Approaches to the Study of Religion" tonight I found an opportunity to drop the fact that a friend of mine from high school is now an adult film star and we wound up explaining to our prof. about "Furries". Yeah...you know, "Furries".

Durkheim would have been proud?

Seriously though, this conversation started because we were discussing Emile Durkheim's definition of religion-

"A religion is a unified system of beliefs and practices relative to sacred things, i.e. things set apart & forbidden-- beliefs and practices which unite in one single moral community called a Church, all those who adhere to them."

For Durkheim, religion is an expression of social cohesion. Its rituals serve as a reaffirmation of the society for its members. But, and this was our question for Durkheim, where do you draw the line?

The comment I made which got us side-tracked had to do with the internet and the cyber-communities we create. How do sites like Facebook, Myspace and even Second Life (where your avatar can attend mass and other religious services) affect our society and thereby our religious practices?

Facebook and blogs create arbitrary communities. We can choose to join, to participate and then just leave with no consequences. We create relationships with people we hardly know, keep up relationships with barely any effort and extend our social network further than someone like Durkheim in the early days of sociology would have imagined possible. It's so fascinating!

Long story of how we got to Furries short- If a group fits the requirements for a religion, can it be called a religion? Fetish groups and other online communities seem to fit Durkheim's 4 major functions of religion-
  1. Disciplinary, forcing or administrating discipline
  2. Cohesive, bringing people together, a strong bond
  3. Vitalizing, to make more lively or vigorous, vitalise, boost spirit
  4. Euphoric, a good feeling, happiness, confidence, well-being
But perhaps we're really just replacing the real deal with easier, less demanding substitutes.

So here are my questions for you, fearless readers-
What's your new religion?
And how do you feel about online communities? Are they a positive experience? Or are they even a real society?


Monday, September 10, 2007

Nice Marmot

I blame my recent atrocious streak of solipsism for my current fit of pique.

Tonight's disconcerting realization at Panera- I might actually be a nihilist.

"We believe in nothing Lebowski!"

So in an attempt to save myself from epistemological peril and to thwart off a second existential crisis, I'm embarking on a odyssey with Esther Lightcap Meek and her book "Longing to Know". It should make for some enthralling posts. Perhaps she shall be my personal thaumaturge.

This ambivalence is arduous...as are these $10 words. Ha!

Second thought for the evening: I'm better at listening than I am at sharing. I'm better at writing my thoughts and feelings than I am at speaking them. I could email you, but I've never wanted to be THAT girl. Oh but wait. I am.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Long Time, No Post

(Photo Credit: Marko Polo)

So apparently I made my Labor Day weekend last a week. Eh. I needed it.

My weekend spent with Mark and his family was great, especially in retrospect after having spent this weekend hanging out at the Pier...1 that is.

Last night at work was pretty awesome. I was the closing manager and the other associate on duty had never worked a real shift before. I became the goddess of my Pier 1 universe- selling things over the phone, training the new associate and keeping my customers happy. What an awesome experience! I was on top of my game and loving it. These are the nights I live for.

But the comfort and enthusiasm were short lived. Having left my little Pier 1 bubble where I "freakin' rule", I hit a wall when I came home and the panic quickly set in.

My life feels bigger than I can handle. There are only so many situations I'll face in my time at Pier 1 and I've been trained to know the answers.

Life, on the other hand, doesn't really come with that sort of training.
I have several important decisions to make in the next couple of years, and right now it's rather daunting.

So I'll take a deep breath, and take it 10 minutes at a time.

First decision to make (and trust me, this won't be easy) is what I should do my MA "area of competency" in...eeeek!

Religion in the Ancient Near East and Mediterranean
Religion in Asia
Religion in the Middle East and North Africa
Religion in Europe
Religion in the USA
Religious Ethics
Jewish Studies
Islamic Studies
Theories and Methods of Studying Religion

The possibilities seem endless. I'm leaning toward Religion in the USA or Asia but really I want put my emphasis in gender studies... Now if only I can figure out a way to roll all 3 of those into one. :-D

I'll keep you posted.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

My Long Weekend...

I am single-handedly contributing to the hole in the ozone layer.
If only I didn't look so cute riding in Mark's hearse!

This was my weekend-

"You make a good team"
Japanese Stroll Gardens
Bid Day=Nasty
Kassie's Couch
Gailey's Gals
Ear Stretching
The Mall
Tofu Casserole
Kassie's Couch
Ham Loaf
Convertible Hair
Mississippi River
Shower Reassurance
1 Year Anniversary 8 Months Early
Blissful sleep
Love is all you need

Life is good. So good!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I want to write my words on the face of today.

Thank you to all of you who responded to my last post. I appreciate your understanding and sharing while I work through this spiritual stumbling block.

I messed up my first graduate school assignment.

Yup. It's true.

I misunderstood what the professor requested of me, and after sending the assignment to him in an email, I received a response from him about 20 minutes before I left for class informing me of my mistake.

At that moment time froze for me and the words of a very wise young man echoed in my head-

I can't control this situation. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it.

I took a deep breath.
No need to get upset, it was too late to fix it and this wasn't going to cause me to fail the class or anything.
I smiled, fired off a response telling Prof. to go ahead and make an example out of me (I'll take one for the team!) and popped in my headphones as I strolled out the door. It felt so good to have actually handled what could have been an anxiety-inducing situation well. I sang on the way to class I felt so relieved. I'm sure the people on 15th street thought I was crazy. ;-)

Sometimes all we need is a deep breath.

On different note- my graduate classes are amazing!
Religion in Modern Japan is currently blowing my mind. Shinto and all it's various kami and Japanese Buddhist practices like Sudden Death temples are just so...foreign!
Expect a post later once I process all this new information...
I love this stuff!

My new favorite thing about KU: The soap dispensers. The ones in the Union are automatic and have shiny silver soap. It's the little things that bring me joy!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

A Peace of My Heart

I have this bad habit that I'm desperately trying to un-learn.

Sometimes I feel like I'm an interruption, an inconvenience, in the lives of others.

I know exactly where this feeling comes from- damage done years ago, perpetuated by myself in the current situation.

But here's the real stumbling block for me- (and I'm confessing this in such a public forum as a way of forcing myself to deal with it)

I feel like if I forgive those in my past who (un?)intentionally caused these wounds, I'm condoning their actions.

If I forgive them, let go of these feelings of inadequacy, they get off scot-free. Like any good American I want "justice" (read: retribution). And for some reason me holding a grudge for years and years is going to achieve that?

Honestly, who am I really hurting by holding onto the hurt?
Oh yeah, me.

The feelings of inconvenience and inadequacy aren't the root of the problem, they're simply a symptom.
This is going to take some deep-seeing and understanding on my part. Patience. That's all I'm asking for.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Take these broken voices and learn to sing...

Soooo.....TheMindtaker and I did it again. That's right faithful readers, prepare your ears for the glory that is...

Well, whatever.


Yellow Submarine

I'm sorry. We had to. :-)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Growing up means...

Growing up means you have to pack your own dinner to take to class with you, and it also means that you'll look like a bit of an alcoholic when the only brown paper bags you had once had bottles of Riesling in them. ;-)

Today my other two classes met for the first time. Let me just say, Wednesdays are going to be mentally exhausting. I have class from 2:30-8:30, so if you try to talk to me after, please don't expect too much out of me. ;-)

My first class of the day is "Approaches to the Study of Religion"- aka "The Required Course That Will Quickly Become the Bane of Your Existence After You Are Hopelessly Buried Under the 200 Pages of Reading You Have Every Week". Yay.

My other class is a seminar on Religion on Modern Japan...which is going to be awesome. Well, minus the fact that we're reading a text book pretty much every week. Hey...welcome to grad school.

Ugh my brain is dead. Sorry. Wine and strawberry bundt cake it is!
I'll try to be more interesting next time...

So I realized that I've been posting cute pictures of myself in the entries so far, but I'm a little afraid that this might be false advertising. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the honest truth- This is what I usually look like when I'm blogging. Lovely.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

JoJo was a man who thought he was a woman...wait...

Let me preface this by saying I have been watching entirely too much television lately .

I'm hooked on two shows in particular- Big Love and The Singing Bee. Seeing as my chances of actually getting a part on Big Love are slim to none, I've decided to put in my application to be on the Singing Bee. Seriously, I'm sitting here and I've got all these contestants beat. Oldies, 90s...you name it, I can sing it. I'll be emailing it in tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted. :-)

(This was the last time I sang in front of a large group of people, though most of the time I was lip syncing...shh ;-)

Sunday, August 19, 2007


"Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves."- Elissa Melamed

So a conversation about feminism with Mark the other night got me thinking...reflecting if you will. We were talking about the choices women make- for example, if a woman chooses to stay at home and raise the kids, is this a "wrong" decision? Etc....

Well, our conversation has been rolling around in my head now for a few days and I want to share some of my thoughts and ask for yours as well...

My issue is not with the choices we as women make, but WHY we make them. If a woman wants to stay at home and raise her children, for me the issue is why does she want to do that? When the answer isn't "for her own self-fulfillment", then we have a problem.

So many of our actions and decisions are unfortunately governed by society- like thong underwear (I'll spare you that rant). Not all of these decisions are in our best interest, in fact some of them are down right harmful. The media fuels these ideas; magazines scream about the latest trends- Cosmo constantly offering us ways to please our man and lose 20 pounds at the same time!

Why? WHY? Why are we buying this crap ladies? Because it's what we think is expected of us? Because it's how we fit in?

Feminism encourages us....no wait, I encourage you to examine your decisions. Really think about why you do the things you do, buy the products you buy, wear the things you wear. (Guys, this goes for you too...)
I'm right there with you, re-evaluating the decisions in my life.

When we look a little deeper we may start to realize the unintentional harm we do to ourselves and others simply to "fit in". We must be more mindful of our decisions.

This is the way to change the system- to be intentional and deliberate in our consumption and actions.


PS- Check out my double-jointed elbow. Ew.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A Day In the Life

My first day of graduate school...my first day at the University of Kansas.

At 8:45 this morning I locked the door to my apartment and turned on my iPod. The Beatles' "new" Love album was my soundtrack of choice. To the tune of "Get Back" I embarked on my journey.

At 9:00 this morning I was cursing the sun with every sweaty bone in my body. My water bottle was half gone and I was only half way to class. Sunburn was imminent.

At 9:20 I arrived at Smith Hall, my home for the next 2 years, drenched in sweat and excited to start my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class.

At 10:30 my professor had already dropped the "n" word, I'd met 20 great students who I look forward discussing the course matter with, and my four hours of sleep was catching up with me.

At 10:50 I strolled out the door of the beautiful icebox that is Smith and met Gabriel and we proceeded to walk back towards my apartment as I stripped down to my tank-top on the way. It was too damn hot.

At 8:45 this evening, 12 hours later, with a successful Pier 1 shift almost behind me I sat in an "Easy Rattan Chair" facing the window watching a gorgeous storm roll in to Lawrence as the rain poured down. Life is beautiful.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Who Has to Know?

Our scene: The crowded, bustling bookstore at the Kansas University Student Union.

Enter: Our heroine, Lindsey, dressed in her khakis, "Life is Buddhaful" tank top, underwear inside out (unintentionally of course) and aviator shades perched on her head.

She takes a deep breath as she steps into the chaos...

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm not used to a school as large as KU; William Woods and Drury both had less than 5000 students. So to be surrounded by something like 28,000 students is a little bit mind-blowing.

But as I sit here now reflecting back on the bookstore situation (carton of Orange and Vanilla Swirl Rice Dream in hand) I can't help but wonder if I'll actually enjoy the anonymity. I mean sure I'll get to know the students in the Religious Studies program and I'll find my academic community there, but maybe it will be nice to zone out as I enjoy my 30 minute walk to class and not have to worry about who I'm going to see or how I look (which will be sweaty because it's still abhorrently hot here) because chances are I will never get to know these people. I get to sink into the comfort of being unknown.

Who am I kidding? I can't do that.
I long for a way to be connected to those around me. I love the interconnectedness I feel in large groups of people. I'm just like my brother, it's in my nature to become overly-involved and to make people know who I am and to love every minute of it.

I will find a way to enjoy being a medium fish in a large pond. No...wrong metaphor. Ew.
I will find a way to connect.
Watch out KU. ;-)

And on a completely different note- I miss real ice cream.

Monday, August 13, 2007

110 Degrees in the Shade

It is too damn hot.
Silly mid-west humidity.
It's lay under the ceiling fan in your underwear drinking iced tea hot.

But with classes starting on Thursday, I had to put clothes on and venture over the the KU Student Union. Needless to say...it was a little crazy. I bravely strolled through the crowds, got my ID card and with a little help from TheMindtaker, found my books at the bookstore.

I'm very excited for my schedule-
Approaches to Study of Religion
Religious Perspectives On War & Peace
Religion & Society in Asia: Modern Japan

It's going to be a great semester and you can look forward to plenty of blog entries about these subjects and more. :-)

See? It's official.
(Yes I wore purple and white to get my photo taken. I'm still a Wildcat at heart!)

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

On a Hill Far Away...

The day I never expected has finally arrived.

After months of walking past the Buddhas at Pier 1, fondly patting their cranial protuberances and musing over an Asian holy man becoming a decorative statement, I saw it.

That's right ladies and gentlemen- Jesus has become a photo holder. Well, not Jesus exactly, more like that torture instrument he was killed upon- a cross.

I can't seem to grab a picture of it to put up here, but trust me on the fact that Pier 1 now sells a cross which you can proudly display your family photos on. Ugh.

I will never understand why it is Christians choose to wear cross jewelry, to display it in their homes. To quote on of my favorite books about the Bible "The Pocket Guide to the Bible" by Jason Boyett "50 Cent's diamond-encrusted platinum cross necklace, while undoubtedly blingy, is about as classy as a rhinestone-studded electric chair swinging from a gold chain.

While I recognize the sacrifice of a death on the cross, I don't think it should be turned into a fashion statement. Ah but these are just some frustrating thoughts I can't flesh out quite yet.

Instead, I turn my attention back to my glass of wine and some oreo pudding. Life is good.

Monday, August 6, 2007

When it's late, and it's hot
And an hour in the shower is the best that you've got...

It's no secret that I have some strange fears. I'm afraid of closed shower curtains and finding homeless people in dumpsters. Probably the strangest fear, the one which makes everyone say "Whaa? Ha ha ha"- is fish. This was me before going to the Oklahoma Aquarium on Friday-Mark, on the other hand, apparently likes fish. As you can see, he's obviously rather excited to be hanging out with some huge scary looking alligator gar-

I've slowly been trying to conquer this fear. It's not so much of a phobia that it destroys my life, but it would be so much easier to go to the seafood section of a grocery store or to go to a pet store. I spent my time at the aquarium breathing deeply and taking the occasional fish break by heading over to the sting-ray tank to look at creatures that don't create a panicked feeling within my chest. Well, until one of the sting-rays tried to jump out of the tank. I might have screamed...just a little.

Perhaps more important than conquering this fear, to me, is understanding it. So here's my attempt-

First of all, fish in the supermarket scare me because they are a dead thing in their whole form, yet they don't look dead. Ew. That would give anyone the heebie-jeebies I think. I mean come on, they have creepy eyes!

Secondly, and probably what scares me more is fish out of water. The idea that this creepy looking thing is going to die flopping and gasping and I don't know what to do and I won't want to pick it up and I won't be able to because it's flopping and....uggggghhhhhhhhhh.....

My fear is amplified by the idea that a living being will be suffering and I will be unable to help it because I am afraid.

So I breathe and remember that things will happen that are beyond my control. Creatures will live and die and the cycle of life will continue and fish aren't going to jump out of aquariums to attack me. (Homeless people are another story! ;-) Kidding...kidding).

I even found a fish I liked at the aquarium and Mark and I sat down for awhile to watch him and a whole bunch of other fish in the ocean reef tank. As silly as it was, I was pretty proud of myself. Here he is-

I picked him because he looked rather like a pillow I have on my futon...scary mouth and all.
Baby steps.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Where the Wind Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain..

So Lindsey in Lawrence becomes Lindsey in Tulsa for a few days as I drag Marko Polo home with me for the weekend to face my fear of fish at the Oklahoma Aquarium. Ugh.

In the meantime, faithful readers, here's a little treat-

TheMindTaker recently taught me how to use Garage Band on my Mac and we recorded a few things. It's Gabriel on guitar and myself on flute. We are by no means professional musicians or singers but hey, it's good for a laugh! We're working on expanding our Beatles repertoire in order to play on Mass Street and earn money for day-old Jimmy John's.

Can't Buy Me Love

Across the Universe

Enjoy, and have a fabulous weekend!