Monday, November 5, 2007

Craving and Clinging

It's nights like these
(when I am screaming and sobbing into my pillow for lack of understanding of anything)
that make me wish I didn't have to grow up.

I drove myself home from my store meeting tonight, sat down in my button up dress shirt and khakis and had a glass of wine. Later, to my horror, I discovered the beginnings of wrinkles on my face. I'm 23...why do I feel 35?

Part of me (that prior to writing this entry was screaming and sobbing) wishes I could just wander down the hall to my parents bedroom, wake Dad up and actually believe him when he says its all going to be okay. Right now, I'm not doing a very good job of convincing myself.

I just want to be understood and accepted.
I spend my days acting- at work, at school...trying to fit in accurately in social situations.
One Lindsey for this setting, another for a different time and place.
It's tiring. I lose track of myself.

I am so insecure about letting my guard down and simply being comfortable, that when I do...the slightest little off-handed comment sends me into a tail-spin.

I just wish all those freshmen weren't so cute.
I hate November.

4 comments:

RP said...

Everything will be all right.

Themindtaker said...

I wish I had mittens clipped to my coat sleeves.

kourtney said...

I definitely got teary-eyed reading this entry. I've wished so many nights I could go to her room and wake up my mom, because I know she'd have the answer.
I hope things get easier.

stephanie said...

things will get easier, i promise. i still remember the first few troublesome times on the road and also when i had an issue come up during the first couple months in my apartment.

the best feeling in the world is when you have that urge to turn and get the answer from someone else and you end up solving it and reaching just as great of a conclusion on your own.

growing up isn't so bad :)