Monday, April 28, 2008

Fourth of July

When in the course of scholastic events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the academic bands which have connected them with an educational institution and to assume among the powers of the earth, the enrollment in a separate and equal program to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all students are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of a full ride. Whenever any Form of Educational Institution becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to leave or to transfer from it, and to attend new a Educational Institution.

The history of the present Religious Studies Department of The University of Kansas is a history of repeated ignorance and with-holdance of funds, all having in direct object the establishment of absolute academic misery over this student. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have refused to learn the name of this particular student, forcing Lindsey to introduce herself to her advisor on at least three separate occasions.

They have refused to offer any substantial financial aid, failing to acknowledge the ability of Lindsey to be a successful GTA.

They have neglected to offer the sorts of classes that will allow Lindsey to receive the education she feels will fully prepare her for her desired career.

They have attracted and retained a group of graduate students lacking in diversity of belief, worldview and opinions.

They have established their Educational Institution in a town full of dread-locked hippies that reek of patchouli. Ew..just kidding! I love hippies!

In every stage of these Oppressions Lindsey has Petitioned for acknowledgment and applied for GTA positions in the most humble terms: Her repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. An Educational Institution, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define it as not worth Lindsey’s time, is unfit to be the school she attends.

I, Lindsey, therefore solemnly publish and declare, that I will no longer be attending the University of Kansas. Instead, next semester will find me holding a full-ride Graduate Assistant position at Missouri State University in Springfield, Missouri.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge to do my best to better my Life, Fortune and sacred Honor.

3 comments:

Pamcasso said...

you should send this to Mrs. Sheridan!

lindsey said...

I totally had a flashback to...was it junior year? Oh good times...

Eli said...

Lindsey, this is awesome!