Thursday, June 28, 2007

My Inner Monologue Revisited...

As the Tough Guy watched the Heart slowly turn and walk away from her car, she felt her eyes fill up with tears. The drive home in the pouring rain would prove interesting, the windshield wipers doing little to thwart the downpour and proving even less useful against the steady flood streaming down her cheeks. The ghost of Shannon Hoon added to the melancholy mood with his crooning-

I don't feel the sun's comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don't
think I'll ever see the sun from here....

I know how you feel Shannon, the Tough Guy thought as she paused at the stoplight, so lost in her own misery that she forgot to smile at the red light. I just can't win...can I?

Something was off and the Tough Guy knew it. She longed for a campfire, for the Manager and Newbie...hell she'd take the Hanson Brother and the Boy Scout too. This was nothing a microbrew and a good dance in the fire pit couldn't fix. But there was no warm fire waiting for her at the end of this tearful trek, just an empty apartment and half a lemon bundt cake.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.

The Tough Guy hit the breaks suddenly as it had hit her... she knew what was off.
Every time she began to live life, to experience things and feel any sort of feeling or mindfulness...this damn inner monologue kicked in and began scripting the situation into some sort of blog entry.

I laughed as I got out of my car and walked to my apartment in the pouring rain. Maybe what I needed was not another piercing, not another night proving to the campers that I was fire-proof or another grain silo to repel down. Maybe what I needed was to experience life for what it is. To take the good with the bad and live the cliche. Mindfulness.

Even those nights that I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, I can be thankful for my breath and reconnect with the joy that is life.
In the mean time, I'm going to have some cake. Mmm...cake.


Ryan H. Paul said...

Good idea, living life. If you don't live your life, who will? Gotta get out there and see what life has to offer. Its the only way people grow. Took me awhile to figure that out, too. I recently had that great "ah ha!" moment, right before I got the part in this play in fact. Get out there, see what you are missing. Don't let things get ya down. You're a tough can handle it.:-D

Mark said...

You make me smile. It's strange how we're all going through something all the time, isn't it? I think maybe that's why we're here together. Maybe through helping each other, we help ourselves. And maybe when we help ourselves, we can truly help each other.

I miss my phone!!! ;)

kourtney said...

You are amazing :)

Themindtaker said...

If I had a dime for every time the ghost of Shannon Hoon rode with me on those dark evenings, well, I'd take us out to Jimmy John's on it.

I had missed the Tough Guy. He and the Heart should hang out more often. :)

Also, can I steal that line for a song or maybe a screenplay? "You live your life like a blog entry." It's a very good line.

Thich Nhat Hahn said of mindfulness, "We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize." Never fail to see the possibilities for life all around you. I've seen such life emanating from you before that it hurts me to think of that being dampened in any way. Everything is going to turn out just fine in the end, I'm sure of it. And I'm always here for you, Jules.

Anonymous said...

I love walking in the rain. Unless I'm pressed for time I don't run, even if it's pouring. I remember reading in a samurai manual called "Hagakure" once that one walks out into rain knowing they will get wet, and trying to hurry through it won't make you less wet, so accepting that you will get wet and living in that moment is the best course of action. It was a metaphor for accepting the inevitability of death, but it's deepened my appreciation of rainstorms a hundredfold. I love it when little epiphanies bring you more into the present.


Anonymous said...

Heh, this is just barely related to your post, but I thought of you when I saw it anyway.