Friday, June 1, 2007

Snack Time on Mass. Street

Holly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul: Sure.
Holly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

This whole not having a job thing is starting to get to me. Income aside, I want to have a reason to get up in the morning. I want to have an excuse to get out there and interact with people.

I want to have a purpose.

After discovering this morning that I didn't get the job I'd really been hoping for, I gave in and went around town putting in applications. Maybe I'm being a snob, but I don't really want to work at Pier 1 for $6/hr. It's hard having invested so much of myself in my education to be told I'm "not qualified" for a simple receptionist job. It's becoming even harder to not take it personally when I get rejected. The anxiety was starting to get a little overwhelming.

But today was an absolutely gorgeous day and I wasn't about to let it go to waste.

I looked cute (because that's how you should look when you're trying to beg for a job) in my graduation dress and little heels, so I figured I'd go enjoy the weather on Massachusetts street. As I strutted down the sidewalk, a couple of bums stopped me to tell me I looked nice. I smiled and headed on.

I stopped into a corporate coffee-shop (which will remain nameless to protect the innocent) and took in a minute of understanding. The comfy chair, the coffee, the classical music and the raspberry pound cake melting on my tongue made for an amazing sensual experience...a moment of peace. I looked deeply into the whole experience, thinking about all the people who walk through the doors and how our lives were unconsciously intersecting and I was a part of that moment...but yet they'll never remember me. I laughed out loud, which startled the guy enjoying the comfy chair and a paper next to me.

This fits. I understand. I'm grateful for your existence. It's reassuring just knowing that you are you. The steamed soy milk isn't THAT bad.

I left the coffee shop and continued my strut down Mass...smiling at babies (who don't know I hate them) and stopping to compliment a Schnoodle on her fluffy coat. It was a wonderful afternoon. Something tells me I'll be spending more afternoon snack-times on Mass. street.

People tell me I need "alone time"...I never really understood what this meant until today. It felt good to be by myself enjoying the afternoon. It's not selfish like I initially thought, but it reminded me that I am a part of something bigger than myself.

I can't quite wrap my head around it yet, but I do know that I should do it more often.
I'm taking myself on a date tomorrow. I need to forget about the anxiety this job search is causing. I need to remind myself that I am capable and confident and if Pier 1 rejects me it doesn't completely invalidate my life.

I'll let you know how it goes.


kourtney said...

Good luck with everything!
I didn't know you hate babies.
I have always been pretty disinterested in them, but then the other day (at church), I was listening to all the crying infants, and I just really needed to hold one. It was ridiculous, and I guess that means I have some sort of maternal instinct.

Remember: there's a US Bank ATM right by American Eagle, if you ever need to get cash on Mass street. :)

Also-- being alone can be really great for a really long time. It is good to be self-reliant and self-content in as many ways as possible.
I'm glad we hung out last night!

Cardozo said...

One of my lowest times (meanest reds) was walking on Main Street in Santa Monica dropping off resumes as a 24 year-old, two years out of Berkeley and no closer to a career than the day I was born.

I walked into a health food store to apply for grocery clerk but there were no openings. I went into Patagonia, and they said to come back in a few weeks when they're hiring.

It felt like s**t and I wish there had been someone there, someone to step out of a bush and tell me everything was going to be ok, I'd get a job eventually and I wouldn't starve. Because it's true, it was, and I didn't. Besides, we Americans hardly ever actually starve to death.

Anonymous said...

Job Hunting is never fun. i should know, I'm doing it right now. However...I think you should also enjoy your time off. You never know how long it will last. Do your job hunting, but take the free time you have and make them the best they can be. Sounds to me like you are well on your way.


Themindtaker said...

Cheer up, Holly. :)

Forget Pier 1, you can validate yourself with these self-outings. Have fun taking yourself out on a date today, but remember, if you starts getting a little "grabby," just tell her "no means no."

PS I wanna 'nother crack at Space Channel 5.

kourtney said...

Breakfast at Tiffany's sounds great :)
One of these days, you should come to Shawnee and hang out at my crib... Although the lack of parents definitely makes your place more fun. Haha.