Infinite Regress

The Tough Guy sped on towards Lawrence, using the last of her energy to hold the car on the road. In a vain attempt to distract herself, she tried to compose a blog entry in her mind-

Her tear stained cheeks bearing witness to the weekend's "discussions"... no.

The Tough Guy's burden of understanding was almost more difficult to bear than the pain of...ugh, definitely not.

The Tough Guy always took pride in being a good girlfriend, but now is the time to find other things to be proud of- like knowing all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire!"...wait, what?

What does it matter?
Who's really going to read this anyway?

At that moment, the sun broke through the clouds and the stolen CD began to play the familiar first few notes of the perfect song for that very moment. With the cold composure of Sebastian from the film "Cruel Intentions" (minus that whole sexual tension with your step sister thing), the Tough Guy flipped her scarf over her shoulder and pressed on.

I might have stopped crying but I still want to punch you in the face. Some day I'll look back and laugh at the amount of gas money I spent to break my heart. Right now though, all I know is you're not getting these CDs back.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life....

My Inner Monologue Revisited...

As the Tough Guy watched the Heart slowly turn and walk away from her car, she felt her eyes fill up with tears. The drive home in the pouring rain would prove interesting, the windshield wipers doing little to thwart the downpour and proving even less useful against the steady flood streaming down her cheeks. The ghost of Shannon Hoon added to the melancholy mood with his crooning-

I don't feel the sun's comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don't
think I'll ever see the sun from here....

I know how you feel Shannon, the Tough Guy thought as she paused at the stoplight, so lost in her own misery that she forgot to smile at the red light. I just can't win...can I?

Something was off and the Tough Guy knew it. She longed for a campfire, for the Manager and Newbie...hell she'd take the Hanson Brother and the Boy Scout too. This was nothing a microbrew and a good dance in the fire pit couldn't fix. But there was no warm fire waiting for her at the end of this tearful trek, just an empty apartment and half a lemon bundt cake.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.

The Tough Guy hit the breaks suddenly as it had hit her... she knew what was off.
Every time she began to live life, to experience things and feel any sort of feeling or mindfulness...this damn inner monologue kicked in and began scripting the situation into some sort of blog entry.

I laughed as I got out of my car and walked to my apartment in the pouring rain. Maybe what I needed was not another piercing, not another night proving to the campers that I was fire-proof or another grain silo to repel down. Maybe what I needed was to experience life for what it is. To take the good with the bad and live the cliche. Mindfulness.

Even those nights that I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, I can be thankful for my breath and reconnect with the joy that is life.
In the mean time, I'm going to have some cake. Mmm...cake.