Do you want your rib back?

I'm nursing the remnants of last night with an iced tea and blogs...
So rather than lying on the floor quietly letting my brain wander and avoiding bright lights I am going to inflict upon you something that has been rattling around inside my head this morning.

We were not meant to be alone.

Call me co-dependent if you must, but I've been seriously contemplating the idea of companionship and the role it plays in our lives lately. I'm no expert, but it seems to me that humans are naturally social creatures, that we constantly form relationships and seek out familiarity in the people around us. So it makes sense that we partner ourselves off and establish families; we perpetuate the cycle.

But why do we do it? What do we hope to gain out of those relationships?
Is it love and understanding? Are we simply afraid to face the world alone?
Or is it something as simple and biological as sex and procreation and we justify it by calling it love?

And why is it that I ask questions I can't answer? Haha...

I hate post-modernism. I want a meta-narrative, something that tells the whole story for everyone. Hell I'd take positivism- This is the way it is, end of story. Here's the formula for finding the perfect partner and these are the desired results. Because right now I feel like I'm crawling around in the dark without my contacts in.

I wish I could just hand it all over to a higher power. I wish I could honestly believe that I have nothing to do with who I wind up with; that my prince charming has been hand-picked and will be arriving at my door according to God's timing.

But I am SO TIRED of taking a back-seat in my relationships.
I want to do what I want.
I want to be with who I want to be with...not just the guy who wants me.
I'm breaking a bad habit I've had for oh... 8 years now and I'm okay with that.

I think the one of the biggest problems in friendships and other relationships is that we think we know what's best for the other person. We think we understand what they want and need.

But what if what people really want and need is for us to support them in their own decisions? To not take sides or judge, but simply let them be their own people.

This is meandering to far from the original point I didn't have...oh well.

I'm going to go sit outside and find the truth beyond Kevin's "Fight, Flight or Fuck Theory".
There has to be more than this.

My Own Personal Zen Waterfall...

(It's beyond words...you just have to experience it for yourself. Gabriel knows what I'm talking about. :-))

I'm here.
I'm settled in but far from settled.
The parents are gone, Gabriel is gone...
I'm alone but far from alone.

My thoughts are keeping me company (read: beating me up) and there are plenty of things around here to distract me.

But I just want to sit and let the world turn without me for a little while.
I just want to breathe and find someplace deep down inside me that believes everything will be okay.

I have to get comfortable with not knowing.
I have to get comfortable with me.

But now more than ever I need a little reassurance.
Which is where you come in.
Thank you.

Stream of Conciousness at the Dentist

(As close to the actual thought process that went on in my head during my dentist appointment today as written word can get...)

If I can be mindful here, I can be mindful anywhere.

Deep breath. Pain is just a reminder I'm alive. I won't find my cave...I won't slip away...I'm here...

OH MY GOODNESS IS THAT BLOOD?? I'm bleeding all over her gloves!

Breathe. Blood is just a part of being human. I'm human, I'm connected to all those humans around me. Life is good and we are all just....Drool.

I just drooled all over myself thanks to her poor skills with the sucker. It's okay she's only human. I am she as she is me as you are me and we are all...Drool. One more time and I'm going to spit on her. She should be glad I don't have rabies.

I can feel my heart beating in my mouth. Just breathe and listen to the sound of my heart beat reminding me what a miracle it is that every day I wake up and breathe and....Drool.

Sometimes mindfulness is over-rated.

Spiritual Autobiography- Final Entry

I think this is where I will end this series. This isn't where it actually ends, but hopefully I've set the stage a little bit. I move to Lawrence on Friday...a bit scary and a bit exciting all at the same time. I'm just trying to take it all in stride.

I look forward to posting on here and hopefully joining in on conversations established on other blogs. Feel free to comment, let me know what you think! This should be fun. :-)

Track 13: Here Comes the Sun

Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darlin' it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

Little darlin' the smiles returning to their faces

Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
“Here Comes The Sun”- George Harrison

Oh George Harrison, you speak to my soul. This song helped get me through my crisis, as it gave me hope and a realization that I wasn’t alone. It took some major soul searching and love from friends and family, but I realized how desperately I just wanted to be myself. I didn’t want to have to see the world in black and white, I didn’t want to choose one religious tradition over the other, I want to do things that re-affirm how I feel about the world and my role in it.
So where am I now? Good question. I suppose I have to answer it as that’s the whole purpose of doing this autobiography. The best answer I can give is this-

I am ready.

I’m ready to dive into graduate school, to learn more and explore as much as I can. I’m ready to live on my own, to think for myself and to not have to live up to anyone’s expectations but my own. I’m not ready to walk away from Christianity completely, as it is a major part of my roots, but I am ready to dialogue with people and with the religion itself. I’m ready to have discipline and really focus on myself spiritually. Throughout this time in my life, I’ve been growing into myself. I am ready.

Doesn't my face just scream "I'm ready for the real world?" ;-)
Shh...don't say it.


(Gabriel- I promise I didn't forget the last part. Hey Jude will always be yours and mine, thanks for guiding your Jules through this mess. You are wonderful.)

Spiritual Autobiography- Drury pt. 2

So if you couldn't tell, I've been avoiding this entry...
Well not completely, I had to move out and graduate and that took a little bit of time. It's hard to make yourself blog or even get online when you realize just how short your time with the people around you is. So now that I'm isolated in Tulsa, I've got nothing better to do!

This isn't the original version I included in the assigned spiritual autobiography I turned in. That version was sanitized, not realistic...so here's to being vulnerable online, to opening myself up to strangers and those of you who will never comment. ;-)

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Track 11: I’m So Tired

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
“I’m So Tired” –John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Just like with a sport, religion and spirituality take practice and discipline. When you fall out of practice, the results are often painful. I started my senior year by tacking up my “om” tapestry and hanging my Tibetan landscape picture up on the wall. I resolved myself to practicing yoga and meditation and having an awesome year. But you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men…

The frustration started early with my classes. Going from 300-level classes to a 101 Introduction to Religion class was more than just a little difficult. I found myself struggling with individuals in the class, wishing people would be more open-minded, and a little dismayed about my future as a teacher because these would be the types of people I would be teaching later. Ancient Greek philosophy gave me insight to the history of world-views, but we spent more time tearing ideas apart than building or salvaging what we could. Perhaps we were just bitter upperclassmen. The Spiritual Life allowed me a little bit of exploration of various other faiths, but I found myself so tired and stressed that it was hard to find joy.

Filling out graduate school applications at the end of first semester proved to be a challenge. How could I write personal statements when I had lost a sense of who I was? I was somewhere between Christian and Buddhist, somewhere between making everyone else happy and being myself, and having to write what I knew the schools wanted to hear. Little did I know, but I was experiencing the beginnings of an existential crisis.

Track 12: Help!

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
“Help!” John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I ended the first semester and headed home for winter break absolutely exhausted. My busy schedule afforded me little rest though, and before I knew it I was off to New Orleans with a group of students and professors to do Katrina relief work. The devastation I witnessed and the realization of how small the impact of our work was in the grand scheme of things threw me back to that time of guilt and frustration in high school. It was almost overwhelming. My stress level soared through the roof.

While I’m glad I went on the trip, and I’m sure the people we worked for were grateful for what we did, I was reminded of a valuable lesson from The Way of the Bodhisattva. You can’t help others if you haven’t first helped yourself. There must be an inner peace and calm within you before you can bring it to others. I worked on that trip the way I did in high school- stretching myself to the breaking point and not taking time to just breathe. Needless to say I started my final semester off feeling more than a little drained.

Senior Seminar was an interesting experience for me. While I know the word “interesting” doesn’t even begin to do the class justice, it’s the best I have right now. I enjoyed The Little Prince, and tolerated Walden, but I almost didn’t make it through Camus. Reading The Fall was like he had opened up my brain, put words to my worst imaginable fears and realizations and then left me on the edge of the bridge myself. I realized just how much I had been acting for other people. And while my actions were outwardly good, inwardly there was a struggle which had been started long ago.

At that time my biggest fear was that people would see right through me and realize just how much I fake it. I felt constantly under the microscope, everyone judging me and me constantly struggling to live up to their expectations. I was overwhelmed, perhaps depressed, anxiety was constantly breathing down my neck and it was driving me over the edge…almost literally at one point.

Nothing seemed to help. Meditation didn’t quiet my mind, it only served to stir it up. I put up walls and blocked out my friends. I just wanted to crawl away from the world for awhile. What was the point of this whole existence? Everything was false, meaningless…ugh! I wanted it to go away.

Yeah…

Words are failing me…I can’t quite put it into coherent sentences. It’s all in Albert Camus’ The Fall if you care that much.

We all have our dark nights of the soul.

(This picture is so old school...I think I'm 17. Funny how emotions and situations replay themselves in our lives. But that's another entry for another day.)

God is in the Rain

I couldn't sleep last night, thanks to the beautiful Tulsa storm- lightning illuminating my room, thunder shaking the house.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was reminded of my favorite scene from V for Vendetta- Evey's semi-baptismal experience after V releases her from her cell...

"God is in the rain..."

How do we redefine our understanding of God? How do we break free from cultural given beliefs about a Father God, one who has a physical body and controls our every move?

How do we get away from the cop-out of calling God "Mother" which is still dangerously anthropomorphic?

God is in the rain...

God is a self-perpetuating existence- life-giving, powerful...

But then to say God even exists doesn't work (as you've all heard me say) because that puts God on the same level as things like a table, and my shih tzu Leia.

There's a passage in Living Buddha, Living Christ, and I wish I had my book here so I could reference it but I don't, so bear with me as I try to paraphrase.

We call things by names when we don't truly understand what they are. For example we call a mountain a mountain without truly understanding what "it" is.

Then we realize that it isn't actually just a mountain-it is sunshine and air and all the people who have climbed it. Its arising was interdependent on everyone and everything else.

Once we realize this, we can go back to calling it a mountain.

Maybe I'll find some time today to sit and realize. To come to terms with what I want to call God but can't...quite yet.

But for now, God is in my piano...in the form of music and "Let it Be" and a duet with Leia.

We interupt your regularly scheduled programing...

I tried to grow up too fast.
I realized this while I was driving this afternoon- windows down, blasting RENT. I haven't belted out show tunes in way too long.
"La Vie Boheme" was a great surprise waiting for me when I got back in my car. :-)

When I was 19 I desperately wanted to be 25...I was too good for all that college stuff.

Now that I'm 22, I desperately want to be 19 (well, with a fake ID).

Ironic that my last two nights as a student at Drury I actually have fun and realize what college should have been all about. I've missed out on some pretty amazing people by being "too good".

I guess I still have Thursday and Friday night...and hell, it would be perfectly "college" to show up to commencement hung-over right? ;-)

Oh man...maybe the joy really is in the journey.
This moment is a beautiful moment. :-D