No Two Ways About It

I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have given fish up for Lent.
No, I haven't suddenly changed my mind about compassion towards living creatures, and no I didn't give in and go on an all night California roll bender.

However, I'm starting to think it would have been a better idea to give up my ambivalence for Lent. Maybe... ;-)

In all seriousness though, a complete stranger asked me today (in a completely pressure/judgment free situation) what I honestly believed, what my "spiritual beliefs and practices" are.

I hemmed and hawed for a moment before muttering something about being raised in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and studying Buddhism and seeing the validity of any honest quest and then I sort of made some vague reference to the "Ultimate Reality" and energy.

Wow Lindsey, is that really the best you could do?

You see, somewhere along the process of earning my degree in Religion and Philosophy and going off to graduate school I got so worried about people judging me for what I believe that I packed everything I might have held true into a box, locked it and sat on top of it. I think I lost the key.

So now here I am in this sort of suspended spiritual animation where I'm able to hold all these different conflicting ideas in my head and not do one damn thing about them. I don't judge, I don't believe, I just absorb. As a consequence of this amazing ambivalent juggling act I feel absolutely root-less. There's nothing holding me up.

I think this is definitely a major factor in the recent anxiety I've been experiencing. Sitting in class sometimes I really want to have an opinion, I really want to have some system of something to measure these new pieces of information against on a personal level.

I want to argue not for the sake of arguing but because I actually care about a belief or a cause.

It's a little bit scary thinking about unpacking the box since it's been so long since I've even really looked in there. But I think at this point in my life, at this point in my relationships, it's a necessary fear to face.

My act of compassion towards animals this Lenten season is not eating fish.
My act of compassion towards myself and everyone I interact with (especially you Mark) is reclaiming my roots, reclaiming health, reclaiming myself.

This isn't going to be easy, but sometimes the best things in life just aren't.

Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you...

Shh.... I've got a secret.

Every Sunday morning I get a little anxious as I roll over in bed and reach for my lap top. My pulse quickens as I open the screen and type in the web address...
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com

You see, a few weeks ago I created and mailed in 2 of my own personal secrets. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I sat in my living room with paper stuck to my fingers trying to glue little pieces of my past to a 4x6 card. Trying to make something that was true to me and yet still aesthetically pleasing.

Now every Sunday when the new post cards are posted, I await my fate. Will my secret be posted? Will I see my innermost thoughts plastered across the computer screen, bared for the internet community to read?

But probably the strangest question that has plagued me today is- why do I care?

It's a secret. No one will know it's mine because I've never told anyone before. I won't get any credit for it and no recognition for my honesty.
But yet, I want to see my anonymous submission up there.

I want strangers to judge me? People who don't even know me to laugh and feel better about themselves because of my secret?

No...I don't think that's it.
I think I submitted it for those who it might touch. For those guys and gals who are in the same situation, who want to stop feeling like they're all alone.

I want to see my secret posted on the blog so my honesty will be validated.
So my honesty will be rewarded.
So my honesty won't be in vain.

Perhaps the biggest question is- Why couldn't I have just told you?

Old thoughts for a new blog...

Thank you to those of you who responded to my last post. I appreciate your opinions.
A glass of Riesling and a few Pop-Tarts later and I fired off a reply to the email that was causing me the internal honesty debate. Perhaps I was too brutal, perhaps I was too nice. Either way I feel that my decision to be open about the situation will benefit everyone in the long run.

No more lying to boys. It's time to take my relationships more seriously.
I need another glass of wine.

Pardon me for a minute.

Meanwhile, back at the Pier 1 ranch...

Tonight, I became a Pier 1 pirate. My regional manager, store manager and assistant manager decided it would be a great idea for me to learn how to adjust the spotlights and hang graphic panels. So basically that involves me climbing to the "this is not a step" top of a 12' ladder with a screw-driver in my teeth to brave the red-hot light bulbs and try not to electrocute myself in the process.

Half way through the process I debated singing a few sea chanties just to pass the time.
Bad ass.

During one of my trips up the ladder I overheard my manager talking to the regional manager about how I might possibly be getting an assistant manager position at the end of the summer. Wow. Later, the regional manager complimented me on my willingness to work hard.

This is a throw back to a blog entry I wrote on my last blog (after Dr. Esposito complimented my beautiful karma), but tonight I was reminded just how nice it is to be complimented on my actions. It's easy to tell someone that they're attractive or that the outfit they are wearing looks cute. But beauty fades and clothes will be destroyed by time. Our actions, our karma...that's what lasts. That is what will endure.

I think I'm going to make an effort (again) to compliment others on their actions. Hopefully it will be as meaningful to them as it has been for me.

But if you'll excuse me, I have to go work on deflating my ego a bit.

Honesty is such a lonely word

Okay, I'll admit it... I need some advice.
You, my loyal readers, are who I am turning to. Be anonymous if you like, but I'd like your opinion.

Where do you think one should draw the line between honesty and sparing someone's feelings?

I strive to live an honest life (although my fish have been known to get bigger as the stories get retold), but I also strive not to harm others.

If being honest with someone meant you were going to hurt them badly, is it worth it?
Or is avoidance a feasible answer?
Is lying by omission worse than lying to someone's face?

And....go!