Lindsey in Lawrence

We've Moved!

2008-05-03T01:11:00.002-05:00

A change in life calls for a change in blog...

You can find me now residing in cyberspace at

Let It Be Lindsey

If you're feeling nostalgic, check out "Best of Lindsey In Lawrence". Otherwise, update your blogrolls/readers and I'll see you there!

Leaping Off the Boundary

2008-04-29T19:21:00.006-05:00

"...We are challenged to Realize our participation in Be-ing in the Widest, Wildest Sense. This happens when we confront and transform the specific circumstances in which we find ourSelves" - Mary Daly

First of all let me start by saying this is not another April Fool's joke. I promise I'm not crying wolf; that will have to wait for another 11 months. ;-)

Our story starts back on the morning of February 8, 2008. I woke up that morning horribly dissatisfied with where I was and the direction things were heading. Partially in a desperate attempt to save a quickly sinking long distance relationship and partially to try and find a graduate program where I could focus on the things I wanted to focus on, I called up the graduate director at Missouri State University in Springfield.

One week later, I found myself (sans the relationship) in Springfield in the office of Dr. Mark Given. I left my meeting with him absolutely elated about the prospect of joining the program. The classes they offer and the faculty's area of expertise were right up my alley, not to mention how surprised I was when the director of the whole Religious Studies program actually knew my name and that I was currently at KU!

I found out over the next few weeks that not only was I accepted to the Religious Studies program, but I had also won a competitive, full-ride graduate assistantship. I sat on all this for a few weeks, revealing a little bit of my secret here and there before finally telling my parents in March.

My lease here in Lawrence is up at the end of May, so June will find me moving to Springfield to share an apartment with my old/new roomie Veronica! And just in case you were worried that the Pier 1 pirate adventures on my blog might be coming to an end, you can relax...I'll be transferring to the one in Springfield.

August will find me beginning my job as a GA at MSU, working with Martha Finch and her two Religion in America sections. Words can't even describe how excited I am to start!

I don't regret my time here at KU, as I've made some great friends, met some interesting characters and learned plenty of lessons. Moving back to Springfield will be an interesting experience in and of itself, but I look forward to reconnecting with old friends and making plenty of new ones. I feel really good about everything going on in my life right now, and I'm very excited to see where this new adventure takes me.

Since "Lindsey in Lawrence" won't really be applicable any more, I'm switching to a new blog. If you'd like to follow along with my new journey you can join me shortly at-

http://letitbelindsey.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone who has supported me in this endeavor, especially all my girlfriends...I am so grateful and thankful for you all!

"So if you care to find me, look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me:
Tell them how I am defying gravity! " -Wicked

Fourth of July

2008-04-28T23:32:00.001-05:00

When in the course of scholastic events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the academic bands which have connected them with an educational institution and to assume among the powers of the earth, the enrollment in a separate and equal program to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation…

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all students are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of a full ride. Whenever any Form of Educational Institution becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to leave or to transfer from it, and to attend new a Educational Institution.

The history of the present Religious Studies Department of The University of Kansas is a history of repeated ignorance and with-holdance of funds, all having in direct object the establishment of absolute academic misery over this student. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have refused to learn the name of this particular student, forcing Lindsey to introduce herself to her advisor on at least three separate occasions.

They have refused to offer any substantial financial aid, failing to acknowledge the ability of Lindsey to be a successful GTA.

They have neglected to offer the sorts of classes that will allow Lindsey to receive the education she feels will fully prepare her for her desired career.

They have attracted and retained a group of graduate students lacking in diversity of belief, worldview and opinions.

They have established their Educational Institution in a town full of dread-locked hippies that reek of patchouli. Ew..just kidding! I love hippies!

In every stage of these Oppressions Lindsey has Petitioned for acknowledgment and applied for GTA positions in the most humble terms: Her repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. An Educational Institution, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define it as not worth Lindsey’s time, is unfit to be the school she attends.

I, Lindsey, therefore solemnly publish and declare, that I will no longer be attending the University of Kansas. Instead, next semester will find me holding a full-ride Graduate Assistant position at Missouri State University in Springfield, Missouri.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge to do my best to better my Life, Fortune and sacred Honor.

Best of Lindsey in Lawrence

2008-04-27T23:05:00.002-05:00

Can you believe it? It's been almost a full year since I started this blog!
(It totally seems like it's been a whole lot longer!)

In honor of Lindsey in Lawrence's one year anniversary on Wednesday, I thought I'd do a "Best of" post. If there's something I neglect to put on the list but you, faithful reader, think should be on here, let me know.

Let's start at the very beginning...

It began with my "Spiritual Autobiography" project for my senior sem- my spiritual life set to Beatles music. From there we went mindfully to the dentist, and had some adventures in vegetarian cooking.

After a Holly-Go-Lightly moment on Mass. Street, I got materialistic at Pier 1 and survived my first sweltering day of graduate school.

We discussed Furries and Durkheim, I ventured into Second Life and got a little furry of my very own.

February proved a busy month- Hate mail to PETA, a public announcement of my distrust of robots and a fishy Fat Tuesday celebration. Then I got dumped and learned my lesson the hard way...but in the end I think it was all worth it.

A rash of photo-blogs ensued- Leia and I got our model on, I broke my Lenten sushi fast, got a good laugh out of past hairstyles and Kat and I had the type of day you journal about.

The mysterious entrance of the character known simply as "Shawn" brought with it plenty of fun "Operations" including, but not limited to- me pretending I know how to shave heads, late night puppetstravaganzas and a Saturday that came damn near close to perfect.

I finished out the year with a brilliant April Fool's joke, an experiment in live-blogging, some crazy dreams, and an even crazier trip to Springfield...

All in all it's been a pretty good year. Not everything went the way I planned, but that's life and I'm learning to love it. Thank you to all of you who stood by me, who laughed and cried with me, those of you who made guest appearances (and consequently became regulars) and all you who read those crazy long entries. You all are so wonderful!

This next year will bring some big changes and I'm very excited so please stay tuned!

What A Man, What A Man, What A Mighty Good Man...

2008-04-26T01:33:00.000-05:00

I wore high heels and pearls to my Theories and Methods class Thursday night.
I was going out to see Shawn's improv show afterwards (which, by the way, was really fun!), so it only made sense.

But oh the irony- I wore high heels and pearls to class on the night that the subject was religion and gender roles. How perfect.

That night we were discussing a section from Howard Eilberg-Schwartz's book "God's Phallus and Other Problems for Men and Monotheism". Now I've spent a fair amount of time in Women's Studies classes, but I'd never really been exposed to the area of "Men's Studies", so this was fascinating for me.

Eilberg-Schwartz talks about the idea of a masculine monotheistic God as problematic for men in Judeo-Christian culture, because God becomes this sort of "ideal beauty image" that men must live up to, but can never quite achieve. Freud would see it as a "projection of the ideal" upwards, whereas feminists would call it "a reflection of the problematic real".

There is also the problem of homo-eroticism that comes from the marriage analogy used by the scriptures. If men are to be married to God they must become homosexual (which is not acceptable in a patriarchal context where being masculine means procreating) or they must become feminized to avoid the homo-eroticism. He also talks about how God must be veiled in order to solve this problem; unlike other religions (Hinduism, Greek and Roman gods) we never see God's genitalia.

Also, we see Jesus portraying more feminine traits- loving, nurturing, healing, but (to paraphrase Eilberg-Schwartz) in the end he's still a man, a dragon slayer who must go it alone.

Hmm...It's really just too hard for many to conceptualize a completely spiritualized God with no physical or at the very least anthropopathic/anthropomorphic existence. Did God create man in God's own image, or did man create God in his?

I'm currently and slowly gliding into a research paper on the radical feminist philosopher Mary Daly so it was interesting to discuss the other gender's side of the story. So often I think we ignore the fact that men are victims of the patriarchal society in some ways too. That's not to say they don't profit from it more than women, but that profiting comes at a price.

It's too late to really dig in to this stuff and you, my faithful reader, probably don't care all that much...but I'd love to hear any thoughts you do have.

I'm going to blame it on the full moon...

2008-04-22T23:46:00.005-05:00

Dear Everyone,

I know you're having a rough week, we all are.

I got a parking ticket and dropped a shelf on my head yesterday. The weather was icky, stormy, and humid. Relationships are complicated. Neither of us slept well. (Insert your own complaint here) Whine whine whine whine.

Are you done? Good, because I'm tired of it.

Life is good, you're still breathing. Do something nice for yourself. Take a bath, take a walk, take some Valium. Hell, eat a tube of orange rolls like I did.

We're going to make it through this, just please stop taking it out on me.

Hugs and kisses,
Lindsey

Reaction Time

2008-04-21T01:19:00.004-05:00

I used to feel a lot of anxiety about situations that seemed beyond my control. It was overwhelming. Recently, however, through the process of growing up and learning to relax, I've learned just how in control I really am.

Maybe I can't control what is going to happen to me when I step outside my door (especially when it involves other people) but there is one thing I can control- my reaction. It's been this strange liberating revelation for me- realizing that it's not what happens to me that matters, but how I react to it.

I can relax because I know I react well, with grace and class, to most situations. In the event of one where I won't react so well, I make sure that I communicate with the people around me if the situation can't be avoided.

This blog is a reaction to my life.
It's my choice to publicly react to the experiences of my life, both positive and negative.
Because it is so public, I'm also allowing you (my faithful reader/person who googled "Durkheim" or "strippers in Lawrence") to react to my experiences as well.

I value your reactions. I respect your reactions.
All I ask from you is that you do the same.
Thanks. =)

Photo Blog: Operation: The 9th Saturday

2008-04-20T02:03:00.000-05:00

Do you remember the thrill of the field trip? A chance to get out of school for half a day (or a whole day if you were really lucky) and go do something "educational". Today Kat, Drew, Shawn and myself re-imagined the field trip.

The best field trips we took in middle school were through SEEK (the gifted program). More specifically, some of the best field trips were to the Coterie theater at Crown Center in Kansas City. We'd have lunch at the food court, waste some money at the candy shop and drool over the fudge. Then we'd see the play and once it was all said and done, hop back on the big yellow bus and head back to Westridge.

I have fond/strange memories of the Coterie. "The Lord of the Flies" clearly sticks out in my memory, as well as one sort of Native American style story about Coyote. But does anyone else remember the play about the three characters who want to kill themselves? It was some sort of strange fairy tale type thing. All I can remember is "No shoes! No shoes! I refuse to wear shoes!" Oh who knows...I might have made it up.

Anyway, back to today... After Shawn and I marveled over the changes at the CC food court (What no Maggie Moo's?) and reminded ourselves why we're glad we're not teenagers any more, we met up with Kat and Drew and grabbed lunch at D'Bronx.

Mmmm...pizza.

Hey you two...break it up!

After lunch, we headed to the main attraction- "Sideways Stories from Wayside School" at the Coterie! I loved these books back in the day, so needless to say, I was very excited!

Free book with every ticket purchase! Yay!

Two very excited theater go-ers. I think we were the oldest people there who weren't escorting children. Shawn had the brilliant idea to try and steal a child, but we talked him out of it.

The show was fun- a cute set, a crazy cast of characters and (minus the little girl next to us who screamed her head off as soon as Mrs. Gorp entered) a good time was had by all. All and all a very successful twenty-something field trip.

After we left Kat and Drew, Shawn and I adventured into the city, hitting up Westport to do a little vintage shopping. That quickly evolved into a basement full of scary fish, me petting a huge rat and compliments on our sunglasses at Starbucks.

The Saturday only got better as Shawn and I went our separate ways only to re-convene later over poppyseed chicken/tofu casserole and Rock of Love 2. Shawn worked on something I'm very excited to share with you all...in due time.

A very good 9th Saturday. Thanks to everyone involved!
Oh and Shawn, I'll take one for the universe any time. :-)

To sleep: perchance to dream...

2008-04-18T11:11:00.003-05:00

Ay, there's the rub.

We studied Carl Jung last night in my Theories and Method's seminar. Interesting stuff really...the archetypes, collective unconscious and the idea that we create the Deity archetype and religion as a way to keep us from actually having religious experiences... Anyway.

Maybe it was Jung, maybe it was that yummy brown sugar cinnamon tortilla thing I made right before bed, but I had crazy dreams last night.

The craziest of them all was the one that I had to wake myself up from, because I didn't feel like dying in my dream.

I dreamed I had traveled to L.A. to try and get back together with my ex who lives out there. I spent the first half of the dream flirting with him and things seemed to be going along well, until his female roommates got home. (Ryan you're going to love this) Turns out he was in a relationship with his three female roommates, and they hated me. I started screaming and crying as the girls knocked me around and threw my stuff out of the apartment. I yelled to Ryan that I was leaving L.A. on the next flight out and never coming back, but he calmly reminded me we had tickets to a dinner theater, and I should stick around.

At the theater I started getting that creepy "you shouldn't be here" intuition feeling. And sure enough, not 5 minutes into the meal...here come the mutants. Everyone panics and starts running for the doors (which of course are locked) as these crazy lizard things start slaughtering people left and right. I was running along the balcony of the theater, avoiding the mutants when I noticed there were people with video cameras.

As it turns out, they were filming a horror movie but it was real life horror, and people were really dying. I thought to myself "I've got to get out of here, this is just not right!" as the back of the theater burst into flames. Out of the flames flew this skeleton creature with a pumpkin on his head, on fire himself and laughing maniacally.

That's when I realized- "I'm dreaming, and there is no way in hell I'm letting Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas be the reason I die."
----

Ugh. A night full of dreams always leaves me more exhausted than when I laid down.
Maybe I'll interpret this later...

2008-04-17T15:17:00.003-05:00

This video changed my afternoon. I was in an absolutely horrible, isolated mood (thank you nasty weather and school stress) until I listened to this woman's experience of having a stroke and finding nirvana.

If you have time, you should check it out. It's just under 20 minutes, but so much more enlightening than that re-run of Rock of Love 2.

I hope you're having a great day.

Back to the Future

2008-04-16T09:57:00.007-05:00

So we're going to time travel a little bit here at Lindsey in Lawrence, because I just now got the pictures from this weekend uploaded. (No worries because we were all pre-determined to go back in time and we won't mess up the future!) Anyway...

This weekend found me in Springfield, Missouri to take care of a few things with Momma Arnold and see some old friends. I left early Saturday morning, and I love driving at that time of day...watching the sun rise, listening to NPR, no one really on the road...it's soothing.

Veronica, Momma A and myself spent the afternoon being fairly productive and hopefully soon we'll see that our efforts paid off. :-) After a quick nap at the Hampton Inn and dinner at my favorite restaurant in Springfield (Mmm Nonna's!) we walked around the corner to the Springfield Little Theater to see the Springfield Ballet perform.

I'd never been there before, but the theater was gorgeous. We ran into the Walter family there, and it was really great to see them. Unfortunately they don't allow dogs in the theater so I didn't get to see Jack, Truman or Rodrigo. The ballet itself was an interesting experience- 3 contemporary pieces and Swan Lake Act II. One of the contemporary pieces, Anti-Congruence, was my favorite. I would describe it but I don't think words can really do ballet justice.

I'd also never seen anything from Swan Lake before, and I was blown away by the pas de deux of Sigfried (the prince) and Odette (the swan). Who knew there was such talent in Springfield? Okay I'll admit it, watching Act II really just made me want a cute prince with long hair and tights to fall madly in love with me and spin me around like a ballerina in a music box.

After the ballet, Momma A and I grabbed Kassie and headed to Ernie Bigg's piano bar. Dueling pianos and a cute drummer had the place rockin'. There's nothing quite like singing 70s music at the top of your lungs with your mom. Observe-

There's also nothing quite like watching your mom finish her beer before you or Kassie...
On Sunday we headed back to Kansas to party with the church family at the Smith's as Kristie was going in for major surgery the next morning. The surgery went well and her cancer didn't spread to the lymph nodes, so everyone is very relieved. The get-together on Sunday made me really appreciate the good energy friends and family and laughter bring.

All in all a really good weekend.

But before I let you go, a "Blind Item"! The online tabloids post these all the time, a piece of juicy gossip that involves a mystery celeb. While my blind item doesn't involve juicy gossip or a celebrity, it does have a picture!

Blind Item: Which blogger on my blog roll recently played the supporting role of the evil wizard Von Rothbart in Springfield Ballet's production of Swan Lake Act II? Feel free to comment with your guesses. ;-)

An Experiment in Live-Blogging: Women and Violence Class

2008-04-15T12:59:00.025-05:00

Inspired by one of my favorite snarky pop-culture/politics/feministy blogs, Jezebel, I've decided to try my hand at live-blogging. While they usually live blog TV events like the finale of "Rock of Love" (thank goodness he picked Ambre!), I've decided to live-blog my Women and Violence Class. I usually sit here and surf the blogs anyway, so by doing this I'm almost taking notes!

If you're reading live, refresh every few minutes or so...or just check back later! Let's see how this goes!

----
2:06- I'm calling this good and doing the obnoxious pack up early thing. Thanks for reading! :-)

2:02- I picked a boring class to live-blog. The next live-blogging experiment will be better. I promise.

1:59- I still haven't exactly figured out which girl it is in this class that is on your committee, Shawn. It makes me a little nervous...lest you think I'm more of a man-hating feminist than I actually am. ;-)

1:54- Ohh no, I'm about to step back from my feminist soap box and reinforce gender stereotypes. Is it not feminist to admit that yes, women are for the most part physically weaker than men?

1:49- Men are more likely than women to be physically assaulted in any situation. Hmm. Sucks to be you.

1:48- I want this book. Pllleeeeeeeeaaaaaassseee?

1:42- Oh the allure of facebook...This just in: 5 of my friends are attending the Inauguration Street Fair at Drury, 6 of my friends changed their profile pictures and Rachel added "The Nines" to her favorite movies.

1:39- Other than in Lawrence and Topeka it is perfectly legal in the state of Kansas to fire someone from their job or kick them out of housing because of their sexual orientation. Also, us Kansans didn't evolve from apes. Noooo sirreee!

1:36- Moving on to violence and homosexual relationships...

1:33- I can't stop it...here it comes...feminist word vomit. "We have to make violence against men funny because it reinforces the patriarchal ideal. This society is going to try and sustain itself because we don't know anything different. In order for it to work, men have to be the strong ones and we have to ridicule and ostracize the men who just aren't manly enough."

1:29- Oh no. Michael Buble has taken over my brain. Chances of me coming back from this are slim... Well, its a marvelous night for a moondance...

1:27- There are 5 laptops in class right now. The Cosmo hating girls up front and to my left are IMing each other, the girl with the dirty hair in front of me is playing an online game, the future lawyer next to me is researching and I'm liveblogging. Usually there's a girl up front playing chess on hers but she's not here today (she usually loses). Memo to me- When I'm a GTA, watch out for laptops.

1:24- *Sigh* The girl who is attacking Cosmo just won't stop. I want to say something, but the last time I responded to something she said, she basically yelled at me and almost cried. People in this class aren't accustomed to the technique of ripping people apart that I learned at Drury.

1:21- Does the fact that Cosmo is full of articles like "Make Him Beg for it, TONIGHT!" mean that they can't have serious articles? Discuss...

1:19- I can't believe I just stood up for Cosmo and called it fair and balanced. Fair and balanced like Fox News...

1:16- Oh! Here we go! Girl up front just admitted to beating her boyfriend.

1:14- One of the articles we read for class today was from Cosmopolitan magazine- "My girlfriend beat me up". The prof. just opened up the floor for discussion and the ad hominems against Cosmo begin.

1:10- We're discussing a judge using a penis pump during multiple trials. Wait? I missed something...Oh okay post-traumatic stress disorder. That sort of makes sense?

1:08- I am already horribly distracted by the lack of showering in this class. The girl down the way from me smells like stale cigarettes. The girls in front of me haven't washed their collective hair in...well...forever. Gross.

1:05- Class today is dealing with domestic violence in homosexual couples as well as domestic violence against men by women. This should be interesting. I can't help but wonder how long it will be before someone confesses to beating up their own boyfriend, because there's usually someone who has had the experience we're talking about. Heck, I guess it could be me who confesses as I wasn't exactly the paragon of non-violence that weekend that Mark dumped me...

12:18 AM, Springfield Missouri

2008-04-13T00:18:00.000-05:00

As I wandered down the halls of the Hampton Inn, clutching my room key, a bottle of Downy Wrinkle Releaser and a hairbrush, tasting of cookies and smelling like I'd chain smoked in a small room for 2 hours, I couldn't help but think to myself-

How the hell did I get here?

But a phone call and the promise of tomorrow brought me back down to earth and distracted me from my moment of weakness.

The key card slipped into the slot, I slipped into my pajamas and then slipped into bed, still giggling at the absurdity of it all. Someday maybe you can laugh with me...or not. Your choice.

D-Day

2008-04-11T21:41:00.005-05:00

There comes a time in every girl's life when she must (after convincing her mom to come with her) throw any and all expectations out the window, pack her Voluptuous Violet lipstick (again), and hit the road.

Strange how life moves so quickly and so cyclically. Strange how actually in control of things I am right now. Free will is only really possible after you recognize all the opportunities available.

Have a great weekend, I know one way or another I will.
Expect a photo-blog to come...

I'll Probably Delete This Tomorrow

2008-04-08T23:54:00.004-05:00

You know you should probably just go to bed when you find yourself composing a cleverly disguised message in the form of haiku.

So many revelations today, all of them I wish I could share with you...
I could change your life, help you be happier.
The question is though, can I walk the walk?

First revelation- French toast sticks to not make strangeness go away, they make your tummy hurt.

Second revelation- Facebook will only serve to frustrate. I wish there was a "send metta" button instead of a "send message" button...because that's what I'm doing whether you know it or not. All of you.

Third and final revelation of the evening- My subconscious is a brat. A month and a half after deleting your number out of my phone and thinking I didn't remember it, I dreamed it. Yeah.

Sometimes a girl just has to go to bed and hope that Wednesday will bring better things (like potential adventures and/or future photoblogs! Yay! :-)

It's A Great Day To Be A Jayhawk!

2008-04-08T12:26:00.006-05:00

Dear University of Kansas men's basketball team and fans,

You are welcome. You see, I'm pretty sure Shawn and I are the reason you won.

When I was listening to you on the radio at Pier 1 and on the drive home, you were winning. But when I started watching you on TV at Shawn's house, you all started losing; losing so badly that Shawn suggested we go get a movie.

So while we were out and about and not watching you all on television, you all came from behind to win in overtime The precedent has been set- I am no longer allowed to watch the games on TV. :-)

Damn. I'm so disappointed.

So um, congrats to the men's basketball team...and here's hoping that some day we will live in a society that doesn't deify athletes.

Photo Blog- The Type of Day You Journal About

2008-04-06T12:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was pretty much the perfect day...the type of day you journal about.

After a busy morning at Pier 1, I headed to KC to spend the afternoon with Kat. We decided a few weeks ago over sushi that we both wanted to get a little body modification done, and this was going to be the day to do it. It was an absolutely beautiful day to get lost on foot in Westport (Think anyone's going to notice we've walked past three times?) before finally arriving at Freaks on 39th.

Freaks on 39th is an old house with orange paint and blue trim and stairs that creak. Unlike some tattoo and piercing places it isn't scary hospital sterile with nasty fluorescent lighting, but it still felt very very clean. The staff there was awesome, and even though Kat and I don't exactly look like we belong in a place called "Freaks" we felt very welcome.

Kat decided to get a tattoo of The Uffington White Horse (click the link to learn more) and after the tattoo artist cleaned up her sketch a bit and made the stencil, she was ready to go-

Kat looks surprisingly calm. The tattoo guys were nice enough to let her listen to the comedian Demetri Martin while she got inked which was awesome.

"My eyes didn't even water!"

She sent me these pictures this morning so you can see the finished results.

I think it looks gorgeous!

I'm not quite sure there's anything I want permanently inked on my body just yet, but I do enjoy the "wake-up" I get from piercing, so I decided to get another hole put in my body. After running through the gamut of possible piercings in my mind, I realized there wasn't much I could/want to get pierced. Pier 1 doesn't allow facial piercings (I wear a discreet one in my nose when I work) and I'm not completely keen on getting something pierced that I couldn't show on here. ;-)

I'm still gauging the first hole in my ears, so I decided to go ahead and get a second hole in one of my ear lobes so I could gauge that too. Most ear piercings use a 20 or 18 gauge needle, but I decided to go ahead and get it pierced with a 12 gauge. Click the picture below to see what size the different gauges are-

Jeremy at Freaks is an awesome piercer. If I ever get anything done again, I'll have him do it. I felt so comfortable and everything was clean. We shared our life stories and discussed how 19 year olds are bad news, and best of all, I barely even felt the needle go in. Check it out-

Now that it's all said and done I wish I would have had him use a 10 gauge, because I barely even felt this one.

I bought some "organic" hand made spirals for my first holes as well. Goofy picture of me, but I love the new ear jewelry!

The new piercing and my 6 gauge tapers.

Kat and I completed our perfect day with dinner at the Bluebird Bistro- mmm organic food and vegan orange cake! It was such a gorgeous day outside, and it's so great to spend time with a great girl friend. I'm so lucky to have a friend like Kat! Thanks again for having an adventure with me!

Photo Blog/This I Believe: HAIR!

2008-04-04T01:10:00.000-05:00

So a few weeks ago (when I posted the photo blog of Operation: Bald Eagle) Eli left me this comment-

"...I'm growing my hair out. I realize that it will be a change, but I guess I count it as being too inconsequential to be a satisfactory change in my lifestyle. A few of my friends seem to change their hair whenever they get restless or stressed out, and I don't really have a problem with it, I just don't understand it. Maybe you could shed some light on that in a future 'This I believe'? : )"

Well here at Lindsey in Lawrence we like to grant requests... so Eli, this is for you!

-----

Of all the things I know and believe, of everything I have seen and experienced, there is one thing that remains constant- my hair is going to change. (Like what I did there? Yeah, me too.)

As I told Eli, hair is one of those things we can control. Women (and some men) tend to change their hair when they go through changes in their lives. In the Old Testament shaving your head was a sign of mourning, and I have friends who have shaved their head as a sign of repentance or a sort of shedding of an old skin. Not too long ago, knowing that my relationship was over and there was nothing I could do about it, I splurged on a hair cut. If he was going to dump me, then at least I was going to know I looked good while he did it. Control, control, control.

On the other hand, some people are really attached to their hair. Quite honestly, I don't understand it and any insights provided would be greatly appreciated.

My hair, for me, represents different times in my life. As my life changes, so does my hair. Short hair with blond streaks? Freshman/sophomore year of high school. The incident with the black hair dye? William Woods- when our sorority bathroom constantly smelled like ammonia. Etc, etc, etc....

"Ah, that's interesting but where are the photos?" you ask. "This is supposed to be a photo blog!" Glad you asked...Observe the constant change in my life!

Aww, little Lindsey! So cute!

Little Bridget, even cuter!

Ack! Who thought the perm was a good idea?

Yes, Leia and I won a look-alike contest

What's worse, the hair or the jeans?

I dyed my hair black for a show where I wound up wearing a headdress and a wig.
Go figure...

The things we do for theatre eh?

Wait. Who let me get a perm again?

This one was taken roughly a year ago...

June 2007 before....

And after!

I'm not sure we could still win that look-alike contest...

So there you go...my constant change. I'm not sure how much light I shed on the issue, but at the very least it's good for a laugh ;-)

My Favorite Day of the Year

2008-04-01T19:57:00.004-05:00

First things first, WHITE RABBIT! Having said that...

Those of you who happen to be friends with me on Facebook possibly saw my relationship status change to "Married to Duncan Northern" (see picture) and this note I posted earlier today-

"Life's been a little crazy lately and things move so fast, so I thought this would be the best way to let everyone know what's going on.

First of all, I'm leaving the University of Kansas. I find this place stifles my creativity and just sucks the life out of me. I can't stand to be here one more minute. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Having said that, I'm leaving the country next week. I've sublet my apartment, withdrawn from KU, sold the majority of my stuff and bought a huge backpack. I'm starting in London and plan to just wander my way across Europe until I find some place to settle down. I'm not sure I'll be back in the US for awhile.

Also, allegations you hear about me selling illegal drugs or being pregnant are mostly false. I'm not fleeing the country or hiding anything from anyone, I'm leaving because I need to, because I can't take it here any more. I'm sure you understand.

Thanks for your support.

PS: And just in case you were worried for my safety, Duncan will be coming with me. We've been apart and secret for so long (for various reasons) and now we can finally be together!
I love you sweetie and can't wait for our adventure!"

Oh how I love April Fool's Day! We always forget it's coming and I can always catch quite a few people off guard!

Surprisingly and much to my entertainment, many of my friends were duped (if only for a moment). I only got one phone call this time (and wound up "marrying" said caller) as opposed to last year when I managed several more phone calls thanks to a fake engagement ring. You think you people would have learned by now! Seriously!

Did anyone else get pranked today? I'd love to hear stories...

In other news, my new favorite thing- Wall posts on Facebook that make me laugh really hard because I think they can't be serious and it has to be an April Fools joke...but then I laugh so hard I almost throw up when I realize no, no it's not. Oh man...

Photo Blog- Operation Puppetstravaganza

2008-03-30T13:43:00.005-05:00

I won't kid myself or you, dear reader, it's probably going to be nothing but photo blogs for awhile. Less brain power, more pictures!

Admit it, you love the reveal, the exposure...it's slightly voyeuristic and a lot easier than reading. Consider this my present to you for Monday morning.

OPERATION: PUPPETSTRAVAGANZA!

Last night I was privy to the awesome experience of a ShawnDate^TM. For those of you not lucky enough to know what a ShawnDate^TMis, basically Shawn comes up with some creative wacky idea for a date, assures you it will be absolutely lame and then won't tell you what it is even if you beg and plead and try to trick him into it. Normally I hate surprises, but this one was definitely worth it.

It was (*drum roll please*)....

SOCK PUPPETS!

(You're probably rolling your eyes and saying "Whaaa?" But truth is, when I was little I wanted to be a Muppeteer/marry Jim Henson's son so this was an incredibly exciting adventure for this nerd. :-) )

That's right ladies and gentlemen, last night we embarked on a four hour sock puppet making extravaganza. I'll break it down for you, just in case you want to make your own...

First, cut the toe off the sock and insert a cardboard piece for the mouth

It helps if you look skeptical apparently...

Once the mouth pieces are in place, you should be sure to take a cute picture

Attach ping pong balls for eyes-

Add feathers, felt and pipe-cleaners to create a bird...

Or add a jacket for a more dapper looking puppet...

It's also important that you make a mess of your living room and eat only jelly beans while creating your sock puppet.

You should probably feed your puppet, lest it start eating your date...

And voila! Operation: Puppetstravaganza complete!

(If you could see the clock you could tell it says something like 2 am...Operations do best late at night when everything is an entertaining, brilliant idea)

Some how my parrot puppet took 3rd place in the Operation: Puppetstravaganza competition.
Yeah, I don't know either...

Photo Blog-O-Rama! Pt. 2- Sushi Train of DOOM!

2008-03-28T00:31:00.006-05:00

(Not really..it just sounded sort of catchy.)

Another day, another brain drain. This time it was a discussion in my Women and Violence class about the feminization of society leading to emasculinization of men and whether or not men actually can communicate about emotions/care about women without feeling the need to subject them to paternalization (lots of -zations!).

Then tonight in Theories and Methods we had an in depth conversation about sacrifice, violence, religion and the inherent anger in all mankind, which resulted in me agreeing to write an email to Rene Girard concerning his opinion on virtual human sacrifice (i.e. video games and gory movies) as an outlet for violence and whether or not he hates his daddy. *Whew*
(Side note to SB- Now maybe you understand why I thought it was "really cool" to stare at the screen while you worked on Illustrator for an hour? ;-) )

Anyway... all of that was a round-about way of saying that you, dear reader, get another photo blog! YAAAAAAAY!

You may remember that back in February I gave up fish for Lent. I wish I could say I was completely successful and made it the whole 40 days, but that would be against my new "Honesty is the best policy" policy. I only slipped up three times because I desperately needed protein and tuna salad just sounded so much better than beans or eggs. But technically Sundays in Lent aren't included in the count, so I did go for 40 days. Technically...

Kat and Meghann helped me break my Lenten fast on Wednesday with some yummy sushi from the Sakura sushi train. Observe...

The train rounds the corner and the anticipation is overwhelming! I drooled...just a little.

What to choose? What to choose?!

The fast gets officially broken with a piece of salmon nigiri. Mmmm!

Happy sushi eaters- Meghann and Katherine!

A job well done!

The night could have ended with tattoos and a possible new piercing, but alas Freaks on Broadway was busy (on a Wednesday night?). Perhaps that's a good thing though, because in the near future I'll have more photo-blog material for those brain dead days.

Photo Blog-O-Rama!

2008-03-26T23:59:00.003-05:00

My thinking power has been expended on papers/research/preparing for class this week, so dear readers I give you a photo blog!

Leia and I decided to put our modeling skills to good use over Easter weekend-

Dear Tyra Banks,

Leia Marie and I would like to show you why we should be America's Next Top Models.

Reason #1: We can do the snobby "high fashion" aloof look

Reason #2: We have the acting thing down. Check out these sad faces!

Reason #3: Leia is pretty much the cutest 13 year old dog ever... Seriously, what more do you need?

Tune in tomorrow when Lindsey in Lawrence brings you adventures with the Sakura Sushi Train.

Same blog time, same blog channel.

The Easter Bunny Gypped Me...

2008-03-24T00:53:00.007-05:00

Seriously!
It's not fair.
I mean how else am I supposed to celebrate the arrival of spring and the start of Christianity unless I'm laying sugar-coma-ed and twitching on the living room floor surrounded by half-eaten hollow milk bunnies and Starburst jelly beans?

Soo...Easter thoughts-

Looking around church this morning I realized just how much we need spring time celebrations. We need an Easter or spring equinox or whatever celebration to help us throw off the dull snowy winter and celebrate new life.

Maybe Christianity stole it from the pagans, but this morning at service I was glad they did. People were cheery and smiley and wearing bright colors and we got to yell "Alleluia!" I always forget spring is right around the corner and I especially forget how much I love it. This morning, snickering my way through "In the Garden" and surrounded by generations of the people I love, was the perfect way to usher it in.

---

I have this little tradition that I started way back in high school. Every Holy Weekend I listen to the 2nd CD from the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack. It starts out with the Last Supper and ends with Judas' death and the crucifixion and it always put me in that sort of Maundy Thursday/Good Friday mindset.

I'll admit it (because this blog is apparently is where I admit things) I cheated this year. Sorry Jesus, but I wanted to skip ahead to Easter because I was in such a good mood that instead of doing my usual second CD run down, I just listened to my favorites. Yeah, yeah I know...

Those of you who know me well probably know that JCS is my favorite musical because I so strongly identify with Andrew Lloyd Weber's portrayal of Judas. However, this time through my favorites I actually listened to the other characters and was struck by something interesting- each of them is desperately trying to make Jesus into what they want him to be.

Mary doesn't know how to love him- he's "just a man" right? Simon the Zealot is looking for a messiah who will over throw the Romans. Herod wants to be entertained by a miracle worker. Pilate wants an innocent man that he doesn't have to punish...etc...etc... And each of them gets frustrated or disappointed when that's not who/what he is. Mary goes so far as to ask (with Peter) "This was unexpected/What do I do now?/Could we start again please?" when things don't turn out like what she had thought.

It made me wonder about the congregation sitting around me in church this morning. What are they expecting and looking for? Who do they want Jesus to be? And more importantly... are they finding what they're looking for? 100 people in church and I bet you I would have received 100 different answers.

That's the beauty (and frustration) of religion.

In other news- I just broke a glass candle holder all over my bathroom floor and I don't want to clean it up. That was never my job.

Eternal Return

2008-03-21T23:21:00.004-05:00

Greetings from fabulous Tulsa, Oklahoma...

Tonight my brother and I went to go see my friends Travis and Brian perform at a coffee house. Travis, Brian and I were all interns at good ol' Camp Tawakoni a few years ago and survived quite an interesting summer out there. Both of them are very talented and it was great to catch up and enjoy some wonderful music.

(Grainy camera phone picture courtesy of Nate. Brian is playing the keyboard and Travis is on the bass.)

I always find it amusing and interesting how much I connect my memories with music. The right (or wrong) song can bring back a flood of memories with very little effort, all it takes are the first few notes and suddenly you're back to...well, wherever.

Tonight it was "Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek. (The song is on their Myspace and you can listen to it if you click the link. If you haven't heard it you should definitely check it out.) Brian promised me he'd play some Nickel Creek after I whined about him not playing his mandolin (I love hearing NC's song "The Fox") but I wasn't expecting him to make me cry.

You see, there are two very distinct memories that song takes me back to-

One is camp, sitting around a campfire while communion is taking place. Travis is playing guitar and trying to sing, but his voice isn't quite there. The inky black humid night, lit by stars and the occasional airplane was so comfortable for me. There's a certain connection that seems to happen only at camp- an experience of "that which is beyond life". After camp it fades into a vague memory, only to be conjured up in a coffeehouse in Tulsa of all places.

But then your memory takes you someplace else-

To a lake, and a beautiful stormy Sunday morning at an unfamiliar church. A young man is singing his heart out for a congregation who loves him, as I try to hide my tears and Pete plays poker on his phone in the seat next to me. There's a certain ambivalence to the moment- acceptance and peace full of nervousness and excitement; a weekend beyond words and yet so full of them.

Both memories quickly fading and seemingly so far away, I have to decide where to reside...what to remember...

Ah! What about now? I take a breath and allow myself to enjoy the music in the context. Good friends, good chai, good conversation. No need to go someplace else, everything I need is here.

And as Brian finishes the song the way only Brian can, I applaud.
I'm always where I need to be.

----

Easter weekend always makes me contemplative.

So um...here's a picture-

Leia says Happy Easter!

On the Road Again

2008-03-21T08:48:00.002-05:00

Last night I had the opportunity to hear Devi Tide, the head of the Sufi Healing Order of North America speak. She had some very interesting ideas, and I want to post about it, but I need a bit more time to let it roll around in my head.

In the meantime, I'm off to Tulsa for the weekend to celebrate Easter with the family and my brother's 21st birthday on Sunday. Should be a fun time. :-)

A Model Cross-Stitcher

2008-03-19T19:43:00.004-05:00

Check it out!!
What is it you ask? That ladies and gentlemen is the first 201 stitches of the 229,450 stitches that will make up my cross-stitch opus. It's the top left corner of the ceiling of the room in DaVinci's "Last Supper".

Yeah yeah I'm a nerd, but it's pretty exciting to be roughly 1/1147 of the way there. Here's the bigger picture-
It looks pretty impressive until you realize that the majority of the aida cloth is rolled up and folded under on the scroll frame. Like I said, if I finish this before I get my Ph.D., I'll be pleasantly surprised.

In other news-

The weather here in Lawrence was gorgeous today. I was blessed enough to have a wonderful lunch/Mass street coffee with Kassie, and afterwards I put my iPod on and went on a long walk. You can always tell at Pier 1 when I've been watching too much "America's Next Top Model" as I start strutting around with my hand on my hip like I'm on a catwalk. Apparently I was still in model mode today, because as I rounded the corner of the sidewalk on to busy 15th street I decided to treat the next 3 blocks up to my apartment as a long runway.

I noticed something interesting as I walked fiercely to the tune of I believe it was the "1812 Overture"- of the 20 or so cars that passed, only 2 people looked at me. Now you may say "Well yeah, you're no big deal...just some pedestrian", but it was surprising to me.

I realized that I'm so hyper aware of everyone else around me- the vibes I'm getting, the conversations I'm over-hearing, the body language I'm seeing- and I just figured everyone else is the same way. I assumed everyone else is just as acutely aware of the people around them. But I think what is more true is that most people are too wrapped up in their own lives and own concerns to notice other people. Not that there's anything wrong with that...it was just something I'd never thought of before.

It's that sort of realization I find so freeing. If the majority of people driving down the street don't really care what you do, why worry about it?

If you need me, I'll be out walking my new runway. I'm the girl in the huge cheap sunglasses walking to the beat of "The Anvil Chorus". See you out there....or will I?

Holdin' Out for a Hero

2008-03-18T23:04:00.004-05:00

This past weekend found me experiencing an interesting dichotomy of film- 10,000 B.C. and Be Kind Rewind all in one night. One film choice was mine (the girl who has no taste) and one was Shawn's (the film major)...I'll let you figure out who picked what.

Be Kind Rewind wasn't bad. Not the Science of Sleep/Eternal Sunshine Michel Gondry style I expected, but it was a sweet movie and I think maybe I laughed a few times...maybe. Still, I'm not a big Jack Black fan.

The religion major in me loved some of the themes in 10,000 B.C., however. Myth, prophecy and religious beliefs, killing man-made "deities", love and interconnectedness...etc. There was even a brief moment (I swear!) where, once the hero realizes his destiny, we see a group of thorns. Not a crown per se, but it still seems pretty symbolic to me.

10,000 B.C. and the rash of superhero movie previews I had to sit through got me thinking. Why is it our culture has a need for such violent savior figures? Superheros, war heroes, everywhere you look there is some good guy who saves the day by kicking ass and taking names. Very rarely do we see a hero who saves the day through self-sacrifice or non-violence.

This is not a new theme by any means. The Jews were waiting for a savior to conquer and destroy the Romans, and the ancient Greeks gave us Odysseus who is the hero archetype embodied.

If this is not a new theme, then what does that say about our human nature? Are we born with an inherent understanding of archetypes?

Is it the society (perhaps patriarchy) we've created that requires a hero willing to use violence?

Is violence a necessary condition to be a hero?

Can anyone name me one pop culture "hero" who doesn't use violence?

Will Lindsey ever stop asking questions?

In other news-
I love Easter weekend because the Discovery/National Geographic/History Channels play all sorts of religion nerd shows. I also love that Pier 1 is currently a pagan symbol mini-mart of sorts...

Yeah you know, Easter...that holiday when we celebrate Jesus' resurrection by gorging ourselves on chocolate symbols of fertility!

Ruminations of a Pier 1 Pirate

2008-03-17T23:12:00.003-05:00

It isn't a good truck day at Pier 1 unless you come home smelling faintly of sewage...
Damn Lawrence sewer system...

Tonight at work I received the perfect opportunity to practice my new "Hey I remember you!" routine, and I didn't even have to pretend because my two of my favorite customers came into work. Interestingly enough, they both have purchased Buddhas from me and actually enjoyed discussing the characteristics of said Buddhas. One of them also happens to look rather like Sean Connery, but that's neither here nor there...

There's so much anonymity in our current culture. I'm guilty of enjoying it (putting on my dark shades and popping in my iPod ear-buds for the short walk to class lest I run into anyone I may know from high school) but maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be.

There's something to be said for walking into a store and having the sales associate know who you are and what you like. There's something to be said for finally feeling appreciated 6.5 hours into an 8 hour shift when a customer finally treats you like a real human being and asks you how classes are going.
Pier 1 might be a corporate store, but that doesn't mean I can't make it feel a little more personable.

In other news, Nate (my brother) and I might actually be the same person...at least when it comes to relationships. Go figure.

Retail Therapy

2008-03-16T12:33:00.004-05:00

I had a rather blog-able weekend this weekend, but rather than get it all done in one droning blog entry, I might as well stretch it out and keep you (the three readers that I have) anticipating the exciting adventures of Lindsey and her death-defying...er...well...never mind.

This particular train of thought begins on Friday, the day I decided to single handedly jump-start the economy. Nothing to do+pay day+Lindsey needs a little attention= Shopping spree!

Nothing major, just $20 worth of embroidery floss to get me started on "The Last Supper", some groceries, a ceramic hair-straightener, a little Jasmine Vanilla indulgence, some sunglasses, work shoes, play shoes and oh that maple sugar flavored lip gloss which was a complete necessity! Ohh I would be a bad socialist.

(Watch as I now try to justify my shopping)

When I'm at work, I love actually being able to do my job. I love it when someone actually lets me help them, lets me suggest items that may work and gives me a challenge to solve. So, my role as a shopper is to allow people to do their jobs in such a way that they can feel good about themselves at the end of the day.

Take my new favorite barista at Starbucks on Saturday-
After taking my order for a tall soy raspberry latte and a piece of iced lemon pound cake, he asked for my name.
"Lindsey" I responded
"Oh! Lindsey! How have you been?" he exclaimed. He then dug a little deeper into the pile of pound cake in the case to find me one that wasn't dried out.

I have no idea who this guy was, but perhaps that Starbucks re-training that happened last month actually did some good. I think maybe I'm going to start pretending to know people at Pier 1, see if that ups my sales (or just confuses people). At the very least I'm going to continue to give people the sort of customer service I enjoy, even when they get annoyed with me. Someday someone just like me will walk in to my store and appreciate the attention I'm willing to give.

If a girl's going to change the world, she'd better have some cute shoes to do it in. So thank you, Nordstrom's sales guy for running back and forth to the stock room all those times and putting up with my indecisiveness. You rock.

Enter Sandman

2008-03-11T01:12:00.003-05:00

My subconscious has been doing a number on me lately.

3 of the past 4 nights I've had nightmares, or at the least very suspenseful dreams.

Last night I watched one of my ex-boyfriends get eaten by a hoard of zombies. Ironically, it was the ex who has his own reoccurring nightmares about zombies. I woke up in a bit of a panic, managed to laugh at myself a little and then fell back to sleep trying my darnedest to think about cute puppies or rainbows or anything peaceful and pleasant.

Instead, I dreamed I was in a department store full of people milling around. Suddenly, all the TVs and speakers in the store started announcing this competition that would be happening in just a few minutes, some sort of scavenger hunt. The winner would get a million dollars. The person I was apparently with in my dream leaned in close and whispered "I love you, but I have to win this". I've never heard this person say that before so it caught me off guard, but before I could react he was gone.

Looking around me, I instinctively knew something was wrong. Instead of joining in the competition I calmly climbed out a nearby open window, scaled down a few stories and safely jumped to the ground. Suddenly my "point of view dream camera" swung outside of myself and I was looking at myself walking away from the store. It became one of those slow motion movie moments set to music- the heroine of the story casually sauntering towards the camera as the whole building blows up in the background. Stunning really. I wish I'd had a way to record it.

---
Maybe we shouldn't read too much into dreams. Maybe they really are just the left-overs from the day rolling around and working themselves out, but I kept coming back to the way the relationship between me and the (ex/unexpected) love interest played out in the dreams. I'll spare you the gory details of my internal analysis, but eight hours of plowing through boxes at Pier 1 left me with an interesting question.

Would you rather have a good relationship with an indefinite time-line and no real knowledge of what could end it?
Or a good relationship with a definite end and clearly defined, openly admitted excuses to break it off? Perhaps knowing the details would allow you to relax and actually enjoy the other person?

I'm not asking which is better, because I don't think one is over the other and both have their perks... but what would YOU rather have?

Photo Blog: Operation Bald Eagle

2008-03-09T13:50:00.002-05:00

I'll admit it, I'm a bit of an enabler. When someone tells me they want to do something and they seem serious about it, I do what I can to help them achieve that goal.

Last night my enabling took the form of something called "Operation: Bald Eagle". My friend Shawn has been contemplating shaving his head and doing the "bald by choice" look, and when we found ourselves looking for something to do last night, I offered to go ahead and do it for him.

A Wal-Mart adventure, a Wahl Color Coded Hair Cut Clipper and some gentle reassurance later...we were ready to roll.

Shawn carefully read over the directions while I played with the pretty color combs and tried to remember those couple of times I sort of did this before. Sort of... It couldn't be that hard, could it?

Apprehension is a good look for you...

I'm pretty impressed that I can cut hair and take a picture at the same time. Shawn, not so impressed.
I let him finish up the last part. Personally, I think it was a good choice- very Lex Luthor. Bald is the new hair extensions.

Having changed Shawn's hair last night, I'm fighting the urge to do something to my own. It's one of those emotional release/personal expression/I'm still young and can do silly things things. Nothing drastic I assure you, and I'll probably talk myself out if it, but I like the idea of changing things up a bit.

Everything else in my life is changing...why not my hair?

Thanks to Shawn for trusting me with his head. If anyone else wants me to shave theirs, well... I actually know how to do it now!

Don't need nothin' but a good time...

2008-03-05T11:42:00.003-06:00

It's official, I need to stop eating before I go to bed. I'm going to blame this dream on the nectarine/strawberry juice and the pizza. Oh and my unfortunate love of crappy reality "dating" shows...

I dreamed last night that I was a contestant on "Rock of Love", you know- that VH1 reality show with Bret Michaels from Poison as the "eligible bachelor". I apparently had been playing the game pretty well, as the other girls in the house seemed to hate me for winning a fair amount of the "challenges" and "dates" with Bret. I spent the first part of the dream scheming with a few of the other contestants about to get the girls we didn't want in the house anymore eliminated.

Everything seemed to be going well, until we reached the nightly "elimination". You can imagine my shock when Bret told me my "tour ends here". Apparently I'm a pretty sore loser in my dreams as I pulled Bret aside and in some sort of brilliantly scripted monologue (that I wish I could remember!) convinced him that I'm the one. I think I even agreed to get breast implants if he'd keep me around.

The dream continued on for a little while longer until I got kidnapped by a producer who looked like Lyle Lovett and I thought- "Wait...Lyle Lovett? I must be dreaming!" and woke up.

So what is my subconscious trying to tell me?
I can persevere and compromise to get what I want?
Even the seemingly unattainable is within my reach?

Or am I just an attention whore? ;-)

It's always something...

2008-03-02T21:56:00.007-06:00

Strange how it took me so long to notice it was missing.
Maybe it just snuck out on me, silently and gradually.
Well whatever happened, now that it's back I know now just how much I missed it.

How is it that I haven't been laughing all this time?

I mean, I enjoy entertaining other people and I get a big kick out of making other people laugh. Even on my worst days I'll try to make other grin. But to actually let my guard down and giggle until I snort and squeak like a guinea pig is currently my new favorite feeling!

All it took was a little openness to the unexpected, a willingness to have silly adventures (like a late-night coloring contest at Java Break) and actually letting myself do things for myself (more on that later...perhaps).

For so long I had people telling me "Life is good", but what I really needed to hear (or maybe I just needed to tell myself) is "Life is enjoyable!"

In other news, tomorrow I embark on a journey to begin my cross-stitch opus. For some crazy reason I've decided to attempt a cross-stitch version of DaVinci's "The Last Supper". It's going to be something like 3 feet by 2 feet. Yeah it might be rather "grandma" of me, but damn if I won't be proud of it once it's finished. (Which might be after I get my Ph.D)

I'll take pictures. In fact, I should take more pictures in general. Expect, nay demand, photo-blogs from me! It's been too long.

Maybe there wasn't a real point to this entry, but I wanted to let you know I'm happy.
I think I'll just keep laughing and enjoying and see where this takes me.

n8 the gr8

2008-02-26T18:32:00.004-06:00

Given my experience with the "apple fast" I was going to make some slightly snarky comment, but I'll let you decide for yourself-

http://experiencethemastercleansediet.blogspot.com/

Good luck boys.

Open Hands

2008-02-25T12:01:00.006-06:00

My weekend turned into a bit of a strange adventure full of rule breaking, snow driving, girl talk and "mom" hugs.

I think I've always taken the presence of my girlfriends for granted. So thank you to Kassie and Kourtney, Rachel and Veronica, Stephanie and Kat for being there for me. Let's not wait until things like this happen, I love hanging out with you all (especially for happier reasons).

Church on Sunday was a welcome respite. My understanding of God and religion may be different than the people sitting next to me, but for me it is a wonderful experience to break bread and share concerns with the community that has played a huge role in me becoming who I am today. It is a great way to step both outside of and into myself for an hour- tapping into something bigger than myself while taking time to restore my inner sense of peace through songs and silent prayers. And honestly, more than anything, I needed those mom hugs. :-)

This Sunday was particularly unique, as our youth minister Gabe and his wife Patti shared the story of their mission trip to Costa Rica. Seeing their pictures and hearing their stories reawakened that huge part of me that can't wait to travel the world and encounter other cultures. Maybe it will be the Peace Corps, maybe Disciples World Missions, Habitat for Humanity...who knows? I want to experience the global community.

The most important part of Patti and Gabe's presentation was the idea of a mission trip versus a people to people "pilgrimage". When we go on mission trip we come with our hands full, thinking about all the things we have to give these people, how much we can do for them. But then, when our hands are empty we are able to learn from the people we interact with. It is that hands open interaction that benefits both parties the most. It's that hands open sort of interaction that I desire.

Change seems to be in the air and I'm holding my breath. I'll let you know when I exhale.

Start Where You Are

2008-02-22T23:27:00.003-06:00

"Today was enough to make me completely not believe in karma."

That was my exact thought as I sat slumped in a chair in the back office of Pier 1, head and trashcan between my knees. I still had 6 hours to go in an 8 hour shift and I found myself throwing up the cantaloupe juice I'd consumed instead of an apple this morning.

I was only supposed to work 12-5 today, but one of our assistant managers decided to quit and not work her final two weeks. This was the particular assistant manager who I had covered for on numerous occasions, including one where I came in early because she had been throwing up all morning. I normally wouldn't complain, but the pain in my stomach and the burn in my throat made it hard not to think "This is so not fair".

A few hours later I took my 30 minute break and sitting balled up in the office chair focusing on my breath, I couldn't help but think of one of my favorite Buddhist authors- Pema Chodron. Ironically I'd flipped through a copy of O (Oprah's magazine) at Mark's parents' house during our strange estranging last weekend and read an interview that Oprah did with Pema. In that interview Pema talks about pain and suffering and how we desperately try to avoid it, to shut it out when what we really should be doing is the opposite.

"...not staying with the feeling cuts you off from your compassion for others, your empathy for others, and also from the largeness of your own heart and mind"

I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to stay with it. It started simple- I began to think about how many other people in the world were dealing with and have dealt with stomach aches. I thought about how many people are struggling with anxiety, how many individuals are mourning the loss of relationships and love, and I couldn't help but feel compassion grow within me.

Starting where we are, recognizing and fully being present in our own unique experiences allows us to reach outside of ourselves and connect to other living beings. But I also realized just how easy it is to do the exact opposite- to feel pain and cut other people off. I started to understand how people who abuse alcohol or drugs or food are desperately trying to escape an emotional pain and their resulting actions are so selfish. We're so bent on avoiding the hurt that we ignore the fact we're hurting those around us. We're face down and wallowing in the mud of our own self pity.

It hurt to admit to myself that I had been doing that in my relationship with Mark. I was so stuck inside my cloud of anxiety about my own life that I couldn't see much beyond my own nose. I wasted a perfect opportunity for healing, compassion and being awake and instead I chose to make myself and those around me miserable.

There's this trap I fall into whenever I start practicing compassion- I start to realize just how good I really do have it in comparison to everyone else in the world and I start to feel bad for any small amount of suffering I might feel. But tonight I realized that my suffering may be less (empirically speaking), but it isn't any less valid. I can't just wave it off as "Well at least I'm not starving to death" and try to push through and move on. Instead I need to feel it, to acknowledge it and allow myself to learn.

"This encounter, as unpleasant as I'm finding it, is unique. It's never going to happen again in exactly this way. And maybe I'm glad of that but I don't want to waste this moment because it's never going to happen again, just like this. You know, this is—this is the only time I'm ever going to experience this. So let's taste it, smell it. "

I survived my shift, ended my apple fast a few hours early with a lovely bowl of miso soup and now I'm feeling much better. Perhaps this was too personal of a story to be sharing in such an open forum, but I felt the need to post it because I think I only truly understand what it is I'm feeling and thinking after I communicate it with someone else. Maybe something I said reached out to you, maybe not...that's okay too. I just wanted you to know that tonight a lotus bloomed in my murky swamp of a self, and in a way it makes this whole painful experience worth it.

Ugh

2008-02-21T17:54:00.003-06:00

Sooo...Day 2 of this silly apple fast that I decided would be an excellent idea and I'm about ready to gnaw my own arm off for some protein, not to mention the caffeine headache.

Who ever said that I don't have any discipline, was probably right. ;-)

Classes were canceled today (thank you snow!) so I took the opportunity to clean out my closets/drawers and donate clothes I don't wear and clean the whole rest of my apartment as well. It feels so nice to get rid of the clutter, all the junk I don't need and all the crap that's holding me back from breathing easier in my apartment.

I'm going to have my spring cleaning done long before spring even gets here.

I was going to go somewhere with this post, but I changed my mind...
So let me just say I hope you're happy and warm, where ever you are!

This I Believe pt. 2

2008-02-19T21:50:00.002-06:00

Given that I'm a little emotionally drained right now, I've decided to do another exciting installment of my "Lindsey tries to be honest with herself and everyone else about what she actually believes about said topic" blog entry. I bet you're excited. ;-)

I took "The Politics Test" on OkCupid.com earlier today (the results are below), so I thought I might as well comment on that.

As it turns out I'm a "Strong Democrat", which is strange to me because the last 3 times I've taken this test (different times in high school and undergrad) my results have been more in the Centrist area of the grid. Apparently I was feeling a little more generous with my tax dollars (and yours!) today. ;-)

Technically I'm a registered independent, but right now I feel the country is so much in need of a change that I will be voting Democrat this November instead of throwing my vote away for a green party or libertarian candidate. From what I can see, John McCain is just George Bush without the funny accent, and obviously Dubba hasn't worked out so well these past 8 years.

I want to vote for Hillary, I really do. I think the US is ready for a woman president, however I'm not so sure the world is. Given the current global attitudes towards our country I think we need a great diplomat for a president, someone who can reach out to even those countries who are our "enemies". Unfortunately that will have to be a man. Barack the vote...eh Nate?

One thing that I do know is that I refuse to be a one-issue voter. I will vote for who ever I feel will be the best all around leader, the individual that will take the country in the best direction. If that means that I have to vote for someone who is anti-choice, but will pull us out of Iraq, fix the economy, help the environment, give us universal health care and better education, you'd better believe I will.

I'm also rather Marxist in my feelings towards church and state. Religious beliefs are a very private thing that needs to be kept in the private realm. They shouldn't be an issue in which candidate I vote for, unless I'm concerned that their personal beliefs will interfere with their ability to lead the country. I don't think churches should endorse (or campaign against) candidates or bills, I think the individuals members should choose based on their own personal beliefs.

But perhaps we're so overwhelmed with the anxiety of choice and change that it's just easier to let someone else tell you what to do.

Summing up: I'm an independent who will vote for whoever I feel will bring the most positive change and will lead the country in a productive, healthy direction. Separation of church and state is a must. The private sector and the public sector do not need to directly influence one another. Um, Barack in '08!

And Lindsey for philosopher-king in 2020! Ha!

You are a
Social Moderate
(55% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(16% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Strong Democrat (16e/55s)

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

“The best of all medicines is resting and fasting"- Benjamin Franklin

2008-02-19T15:00:00.000-06:00

I'm at an interesting place in my life at the moment.

My spring cleaning is starting a little early this year, both internal and external. I'm determined to get to know myself better, to become a whole person again and reclaim my energy.

During emotionally stressful times it's my natural reaction to stop eating or only eat junk food, so this time around I'm doing something productive for myself. Out of this muck will bloom a lotus.

Tomorrow I start an apple cleansing fast*. It may sound a little strange, but it will be a good way to clean out my insides and introduce myself to the spiritual discipline of fasting. I'll let you know how it goes.

When you take a step back and take a breath, it's amazing to discover all the insights and opportunities that were right in front of your face. Life is good and I'm excited. :-)

*Before you get up in arms about me starving myself, this is a doctor supervised 3-day thing, no worries.

Infinite Regress

2008-02-18T13:29:00.010-06:00

The Tough Guy sped on towards Lawrence, using the last of her energy to hold the car on the road. In a vain attempt to distract herself, she tried to compose a blog entry in her mind-

Her tear stained cheeks bearing witness to the weekend's "discussions"... no.

The Tough Guy's burden of understanding was almost more difficult to bear than the pain of...ugh, definitely not.

The Tough Guy always took pride in being a good girlfriend, but now is the time to find other things to be proud of- like knowing all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire!"...wait, what?

What does it matter?
Who's really going to read this anyway?

At that moment, the sun broke through the clouds and the stolen CD began to play the familiar first few notes of the perfect song for that very moment. With the cold composure of Sebastian from the film "Cruel Intentions" (minus that whole sexual tension with your step sister thing), the Tough Guy flipped her scarf over her shoulder and pressed on.

I might have stopped crying but I still want to punch you in the face. Some day I'll look back and laugh at the amount of gas money I spent to break my heart. Right now though, all I know is you're not getting these CDs back.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life....

V-Day

2008-02-14T11:38:00.003-06:00

There comes a time in every girl's life when she must (after consulting with her hairdresser) throw any and all expectations out the window, pack her new Voluptuous Violet lipstick, and hit the road.

Strange how when you realize that the situation is not yours to control, you're free to let go and be yourself. Free will is only really possible after you recognize the limitations involved.

Have a great weekend, I know one way or another I will.

So if you care to find me look to the western sky...

walk forward. breathe. be.

2008-02-13T00:49:00.003-06:00

that voice in my head says
run…
run
run
runrunrunrunrun

as far and as fast as i can
back to that time when my dignity was
free for the taking
self-medicate with meaningless kisses/touches/words
(me but not me, them but not them, it’s easier that way)
build up the wall a little higher/thicker/more sound proof
keep me from getting hurt

that voice in my head says
run…
run
run
runrunrunrunrun

as far and as fast i can
into your arms
prying them open
douse your feet with my tears/fears/prayers
(wiping them with hair of the perfect length though everyone else likes it long)
begging for forgiveness/love/lust
keep me from getting hurt

my soul says
sit…
sit
sit
sit. breathe. be.

and for once i listen
sitting here
palms open, exposed
all my faults/insecurities/masks
(laid painfully bare)
waiting for your hand/heart/mind
to join mine

walk forward. breathe. be.

This I Believe...

2008-02-12T16:02:00.000-06:00

(Yeah yeah I'm ripping the title off from NPR...I know)

This is the first entry in what I hope will be a series of entries where I give my opinion on...well...anything really. All that matters is that I'm being honest with you, my (rather anonymous) reader and putting it all out there. I'm setting aside my fears of judgment and rejection to better get to know myself. So disagree, argue, laugh, think I'm completely full of it; when it comes down to it, it isn't really about you. This might be slightly painful but hopefully a little enjoyable for all. :-D

I'm going to start with something a little easy, perhaps a little silly, but 100% honest. Here we go!

I hate robots.

Okay, okay...hate is a strong word. I strongly dislike robots.

Let me share with you a little something I wrote during my Classic Problems in Philosophy class junior year of college-

"I am not afraid to admit that I am a carbon chauvinistic speciesist. In order to be counted amongst those who actually have minds, you need to have grey matter like the rest of us.

I couldn't love someone who didn't have a mind, because any emotion they displayed, or anything they said to me would simply be the result of software. I'm not saying I would discriminate against robots, but I don't believe the artificial intelligence entity to be on the same level as those of us with brains.

Just because my Furby said "Kah may-may u-nye" (Furbish for "I love you") doesn't mean I believed it was capable of feeling love. It was simply responding to the program that says "If X happens, say Y". Consequently, I didn't feel any remorse when I accidentally gave it a heart attack with my TV remote control."

Clearly I am not a functionalist. I don't think you can recreate the human brain in silicon form. Even if you could make a computer program functionally identical to the human brain, it's still just a computer program. Maybe that makes me a bit of a soul theorist, but I think I'm okay with that.

At the end of my Theories and Methods class last week I pondered out loud whether or not Durkheim would recognize a church comprised of robots. One of the other students reminded me that computer technology is no where near that advanced and I had no need to fear a Matrix-style/I, Robot revolt any time soon.

Regardless, I want to be prepared.

Summing up: Part of my personal identity is dependent on me being a carbon-based human being. I do not believe I can be functionally re-created in a computer; there is something more to me than just electrical impulses. If there comes a time in my life where we run into an A.I. issue (a la the Matrix) you'd better believe I'm investing in an EMP (electromagnetic pulse) device.

(If you have any issues that you're interested to know my opinion about, feel free to leave them in a comment!)

No Two Ways About It

2008-02-08T00:17:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have given fish up for Lent.
No, I haven't suddenly changed my mind about compassion towards living creatures, and no I didn't give in and go on an all night California roll bender.

However, I'm starting to think it would have been a better idea to give up my ambivalence for Lent. Maybe... ;-)

In all seriousness though, a complete stranger asked me today (in a completely pressure/judgment free situation) what I honestly believed, what my "spiritual beliefs and practices" are.

I hemmed and hawed for a moment before muttering something about being raised in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) and studying Buddhism and seeing the validity of any honest quest and then I sort of made some vague reference to the "Ultimate Reality" and energy.

Wow Lindsey, is that really the best you could do?

You see, somewhere along the process of earning my degree in Religion and Philosophy and going off to graduate school I got so worried about people judging me for what I believe that I packed everything I might have held true into a box, locked it and sat on top of it. I think I lost the key.

So now here I am in this sort of suspended spiritual animation where I'm able to hold all these different conflicting ideas in my head and not do one damn thing about them. I don't judge, I don't believe, I just absorb. As a consequence of this amazing ambivalent juggling act I feel absolutely root-less. There's nothing holding me up.

I think this is definitely a major factor in the recent anxiety I've been experiencing. Sitting in class sometimes I really want to have an opinion, I really want to have some system of something to measure these new pieces of information against on a personal level.

I want to argue not for the sake of arguing but because I actually care about a belief or a cause.

It's a little bit scary thinking about unpacking the box since it's been so long since I've even really looked in there. But I think at this point in my life, at this point in my relationships, it's a necessary fear to face.

My act of compassion towards animals this Lenten season is not eating fish.
My act of compassion towards myself and everyone I interact with (especially you Mark) is reclaiming my roots, reclaiming health, reclaiming myself.

This isn't going to be easy, but sometimes the best things in life just aren't.

Throw me some beads!

2008-02-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

My Fat Tuesday sushi feast was quite the success.
Unfortunately Kat was unable to join me due to the flu, so Gabriel and I hit Wa on Massachusetts street. Maguro (tuna) and inari nigiri (the little fingers of rice topped with wasabi and a piece of raw fish) followed by a Love roll (Crab, cucumber and avocado topped with more avocado and shrimp) and a spicy tuna roll. Oh and a piece of a Lawrence roll and spicy shrimp nicked from Gabe's plate. *drool*

So tomorrow Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, and while I am in no way obligated by my beliefs or even my church to give something up, I find it to be a great opportunity to practice discipline and sacrifice.

Technically the Sundays during Lent aren't counted in the 40 days so some people say you can indulge on those days, but I'm not going to. Infact, I'm not sure if I'll go back to eating fish after Easter. Giving up meat completely is an act of compassion towards all living beings, so why only limit it to a mere 40 days?

My main reasons for being a pescetarian (only eating fish) are environmental. We could easily end world hunger by simply cutting back on our demand for meat. The majority of grain cultivated goes towards growing livestock when it could go to feed the malnourished. The majority of the water used in this country goes to that industry as well. Cows contribute far more methane gas to the global warming problem than cars believe it or not. The list goes on and on.

By giving up all forms of animal flesh as food I'm acknowledging and reflecting on the suffering and cruelty of living beings caused my the meat industry (fishing included).

I'm not going to push this veggie thing on you or judge you for eating meat. I'm not even going to ask you join me, but I do ask that you at least take a moment to be mindful of your food, to appreciate where it comes from and be grateful for the energy and the life given that allows you to sustain yours.

Thanks for reading. :-)

Hate Mail to PETA

2008-02-04T21:48:00.000-06:00

Dear PETA-

I'm starting to think that you should change your name from "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" to "People for the Exploitation of Tits and Ass" (pardon my French).

I was absolutely APPALLED today when I visited your website and found your 2nd annual "State of the Union Undressed." Apparently when you state that all animals deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, you didn't include women in your definition of animals.

I was willing to give you a second chance PETA, but now I'm done.

-Lindsey the (sometimes) angry feminist

----

I'll save you the trouble of watching that video- basically the PETA spokesmodel speaks (full of innuendos) about how PETA has and will continue their "noble mission to end the exploitation and abuse of animals" but the kicker is that the whole time the woman is getting completely naked. Oh and this is the second year they've done this.

This isn't the only way PETA has exploited women's bodies, almost all of their campaigns involve nudity of some sort. They have a good, worthy cause but is it really necessary to add so much sex?

I sound like such a "prude" complaining about this, but is a little modesty too much to ask for?

I want to like PETA, I want to support PETA, but I don't want to feel like I need to get naked to do so. Oh well.

In other news, I'm giving up seafood for Lent (which means I'll be a complete vegetarian). Fat Tuesday tomorrow will find me gorging myself on sushi with Kat...mmmmm Philly rolls and unagi and whatever else I can get my hands on. Fish are friends...not food!

Thoughts

2008-01-26T00:18:00.000-06:00

I felt like ranting, but I think Star Jones summed it up well on her Huffington Post blog.

In other news, the Westboro "Baptist" "Church" is going to not only protest Heath Ledger's memorial service but also the Oscars with signs that say "Heath in Hell".

Sick.

If there is anyone who can test my ability to have compassion for others, it's the Phelps family.

How do you love those who love to hate?

-----
It's strange when celebrities pass on. It's not like I knew him personally, but it's hard not to mourn the death of a talented actor and a real person who loved and was loved. The boy-crazy 15 year old in me cried a little when I heard the news on NPR. I'll miss seeing his presence on film and I'll keep his family in my thoughts and prayers.

Spoiler Alert 27 Dresses

2008-01-21T23:23:00.000-06:00

So while I'm usually all for supporting the film industry, I have to admit that I did something rather unethical and watched a boot-legged Japanese recording of "27 Dresses" online last night. Yeah maybe the whole screen wasn't in the shot the whole time, and maybe there was a hand that covered the lens a few times, but you get what you pay for eh? :-)

It was an enjoyable chick-flick, that's for sure, but I was rather disappointed in the ending.
(Like I said.... *SPOILER ALERT*)

Jane (the protagonist) spends most of the movie mooning over her boss, who has fallen in love and plans on marrying her sister. Jane, as you can probably guess from the trailer, is the ultimate bridesmaid who helps and worries about everyone else instead of herself. The first 3/4 were full of fun, expected witty banter, humorous situations and of course, the 27 dresses ("You could totally shorten it and wear it again!").

However, the end takes a strange turn as Jane completely humiliates her sister at the engagement party and (sort of) tells her boss that she's over him only to chase after the jackass wedding column writer she's known for a few weeks....because she suddenly realizes he's "The One".

I know, I know...it's a chick flick, I shouldn't be so shocked, but it got me thinking. The wedding industry is huge, raking in something like $90 billion dollars a year. Bridal shows, bridal magazines, bridal consultants, even whole reality shows devoted to fabulous weddings with all the trimmings. Wedding porn is EVERYWHERE.

But why? You can't tell me that it's some sort of female instinct to want to spend thousands of dollars to wear a 50 lb. frilly dress for a few short hours. It isn't natural to worry about seating arrangements, proper engagement announcement etiquette and stress about the details down to the table linens. So who or what is to blame?

I think the only answer is capitalism. The Western consumeristic/materialistic ideals permeate the marriage ceremony and people are getting rich off of brides swept up into the whirlwind of having their "dream wedding". The wedding industry reinforces gender stereotypes and tells us we should want to want things...lots of things!

But that's neither hear nor there, because my real question is-

Can you be a feminist and support capitalism?

I am so not a fan of state-approved granny panties and lately I've been giving into the consumerist machine (But I totally needed that Jack LaLanne power juicer!) but I can't help but cringe when I think about how I'm fueling the industry that causes all sorts of image, body and debt issues in young people. So what's a girl to do?
(Probably not what I'm doing right now, which is O.D.ing on French Twists from Barry's Bakery and watching 1 v. 100...I could totally beat the mob. If you made it through that long winded rant, here's a photo of my favorite bridesmaid dress from Kat's wedding!)

2008-01-21T00:15:00.002-06:00

these are the nights when growing up is the most difficult
independence becomes painful.

after midnight
after streams of tears
after a day of potential sickness becoming

actualized

after the boyfriend gives up
after it's too late to call my parents
(and accidentally make them feel guilty for stressful genes)
after it's all said and

done

my one bedroom apartment becomes a solitary confinement of over-exaggeration, cliches, and
kleenex
the prison guard- myself.

A Day In the Life Pt. 2

2008-01-17T22:04:00.000-06:00

This new semester started off in stark contrast to the fall semester. Instead of dripping in sweat and wishing I had a shirt to change into, I found myself dripping snot and wishing I had an extra shirt or two on. Oh Kansas, what would I do without your four beautiful seasons?

My classes this semester will prove to be a much needed challenge, as I am taking two seminar classes which will be very reading intensive and involve at least two 25-35 page papers by the end of the semester. One of the seminar classes is another theory class, so more Freud, Durkheim, Marx, Jung, etc... and the other seminar class is Native American religions. All this is balanced out by my third class, Women and Violence, which will be my first class in the Women's Studies department. Hopefully I'll leave KU not only with my MA in Religious Studies but also with a certification in Women's Studies. Whew...

Women and Violence won't be an easy course by any means. We'll spend literally the first half of the semester covering rape, a fourth on domestic violence and the final fourth on childhood sexual abuse. It's a large class, I would guess at least 40 people, which means statistically speaking 10 of us have been raped or sexually assaulted in some form or another. I expect that over the course of the class, many of those stories will be told. It will definitely be a test of inner strength.

In other news, I now own a juicer. I'm pretty psyched because I've gotten hooked on fresh apple juice. Mmmm! As I walked out of Bed Bath and Beyond carrying my new favorite appliance, I decided today is the day that I start really eating right. For months now I've been saying "I need to eat healthier, I need to eat better food" but now I'm actually doing it.

I'm cutting down on refined sugar and yeast (I can hear the Riesling and Left Hand Milk Stout bottles crying as I write this), and I'm going to add more fruits, veggies and water to my diet.... right after I finish this Pop-Tart (Last one! I swear!). Wish me luck :-)

What a day. I'm tired.

Oh Technology...

2008-01-13T21:38:00.000-06:00

First of let me say that I can't wait until I'm old enough to just be crazy in public. Well not crazy crazy...more like paranoid and slightly senile. When I finally reach this age I fully intend to go shopping and drive unsuspecting 20-somethings just trying to work their way through grad. school absolutely nuts.

Today Zach and I politely listened as a lady told us all about how she never gives out her phone number or her social security or any personal information, and even if someone did steal her identity her checking account never has more than $75 unless they were to get her before rent...yup. We smiled and nodded and wished her a great day. Ohhh I can't wait to be that lady!

But it made me think about identity theft, which made me consider the internet and just how easy it is to find out anything about anyone. We're so free with our information on online networking sites like Facebook and Myspace as well as other sites. I'm an expert at google-stalking, facebook-stalking; give me a name or screen name and a town (home town or otherwise) and in a few minutes I can dig up all sorts of information on anyone.

For example, I can tell you Mark's time in the 200 meter dash at the Missouri Relays his senior year of high school. I can also tell you what time Gabe's movie "Night Watch" was shown at the KAN Film Festival in 2004. My brother has all sorts of TCU student government sites to be found, but you can also locate his xanga from highschool.

Innocent stuff really, but I can also tell you which of my ex-boyfriends likes looking at certain...well...nevermind. It's disgusting. (And no, it's not anyone who has a blog. Relax.)

We act so at home on the internet, so relaxed.
It offers us so many different ways to connect to people, but at what cost?

I'm starting to feel like we no longer have private lives.
(She writes to the absolute strangers who stumble upon her blog looking for song lyrics and quotes from Eternal Sunshine...sigh.)

Long Time No Blog...

2008-01-09T20:29:00.000-06:00

I guess I decided to take a little bit of a hiatus from blogging during my winter break from classes. I've been working more and traveling and trying to just relax, so really the internet hasn't been a priority for me. So here are a few thoughts from between now and then...

Christmas was a wonderful time for me. My family came together at my grandparent's house in Topeka and it was great to see them. My only regret is that I let my job in retail completely spoil the magic of the Christmas season. So here I am, 3 verses in to "Silent Night" at the Presbyterian church in Topeka on Christmas Eve and I am almost in tears because I realize I've been blinded by the pre-packaged jolliness sold at Pier 1. Needless to say I made sure to enjoy every moment spent with my family from that point on.

After Christmas I was fortunate enough to join Mark's family in St. Louis to see "Wicked" at the Fox Theater. Wow. That's really all I can say. I'd forgotten just how breathtaking live professional theatre is, and this particular musical showcases some amazing female talent. I'm so grateful to the Walter family for letting me come with them. And I can't wait for February when Mark and I get to see Avenue Q!

On a less happy note, Harry passed away. I miss my little stinky friend, but after a nasty struggle with e.coli poisoning, I'm glad he's not suffering anymore. I wrote an entry about it for Peter Clothier's project, the "Accidental Dharma" blog, so if you'd like to read more you can click here. (And while you're there you should think about submitting your own entry!)

One last thought, inspired by (of all things) "America's Next Top Model" (okay and a few conversations with Mark)- I need to find a passion, or at least discern where my passions really lie. Every season of ANTM Tyra questions the girls who are competing, asking them "Is this what you really REALLY want? Is this what you're the most passionate about?" which made me wonder...what am I really REALLY passionate about?

I have this nasty habit of wanting to be good at everything I do, and the end result is that I'm mediocre at a lot of things but not good at one thing specifically. So that's my goal for this new year- trying to figure out exactly what it is I want out of life and what I am passionate about. I want to focus my energy and get excited.

What are you going to do with 2008? Hmm?

PS: My current passion that is keeping me away from the internet-

Cross stitching! :-)

A Shot at Celebrity

2007-12-18T23:22:00.001-06:00

So as hard as this is to admit and still maintain my dignity, I've been watching, nay, HOOKED on "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila".

For those of you over the age of 25, or those of you who have been living under a rock, Tila Tequila is "famous" for her presence on Myspace. She has like a million friends and a couple horrible songs and now this reality show.

In the first episode we find out that Tila is bisexual. She had 16 guys and 16 girls to pick from in the very beginning and narrowed it down to only two- Dani and Bobby. (Dani's the girl...on the left.) There were all sorts of characters on the show, all sorts of crazy drama and fighting and drunkenness and stripper poles and what have you... but as silly and smutty as it sounds, it was addicting.

Who would she pick? A guy? A girl? The drama kept me tunning in every week, and honestly I found myself routing for the girls. For a female to come out on national television and say "Yes, I'm a lesbian" is very courageous. The girls seemed the most genuine and caring, whereas the guys reminded me of every other jerk every other girl has ever dated.

Fast-forward through the cross-dressing, animal parts eating and chocolate pudding to tonight's finale- Who will Tila pick... Bobby or Dani?

After some smoochy scenes, "I love you"s and a few flashbacks, it's the moment of truth.

My jaw is literally dropped open as Tila takes her dear sweet time to completely crush my hopes by picking Bobby. Ugh.

I'm not doubting her "bisexuality" or who she's in love with, and I promise I won't ramble on about "reinforcing the patriarchal ideal"...it's just...come on! Dani was so real, so nice, and so loving! She knows who she is and what she wants! Luckily there wasn't anything heavy within my reach at the end of the episode.

But wait...why should I care?
What is with this trend in Reality TV voyeurism? First it was Survivor, Amazing Race, and Fear Factor, those shows I can handle. The competition is real.

But now we've made a competition out of love. I was hooked on the drama of someone else's supposed love life? I'm starting to feel a little icky for watching.

Hopefully this trend will be over sooner rather than later.
Hopefully we'll stop giving celebrity status to people just for being "Myspace whores".

Hah. Yeah. :-\

Half-way to 40!

2007-12-15T14:39:00.002-06:00

I'd like to take a minute to say a big

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

to John Mark Thomas...aka Marko Polo!

In honor of Mark's birthday, I'd like to share a few important things that happened on this day in history-

- Emperor Nero was born
- The first street cleaning machine was used in Philadelphia in 1854
- World premiere of "Gone With The Wind in 1939
- Pirates of Caribbean ride opens at Disneyland in 1973
- Playboy goes back on sale after 36 year ban in Ireland in 1995
- And hey it's Bill of Rights Day!

Happy Birthday Mark! Enjoy 20...once you turn 21 it's all down hill from there. ;-)

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful?

2007-12-11T19:16:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to think that the Weather Channel is just as inflammatory in their stories as certain so called "news" channels. While I understand Tulsa and other areas in Oklahoma, Missouri and parts of Kansas do not have power, and tragically people have died in auto accidents related to the weather, the worst thing I encountered on my way home from Springfield today was me driving a little too fast thanks to the buzz from the crazy combination of Monster energy drink and coffee.

I wanted my final to be canceled tomorrow. Thanks for nothing Weather Channel.

In other news, I turned in my first official "big" grad. school paper. When I say big I actually mean that it was supposed to be 15 pages but mine is only 14.5 because I just couldn't B.S. any more. Long story short I think I managed to prove using Eliade and Durkheim that religion and the sacred can exist in both religion online (real world religions with a web presence) and online religion (religions based exclusively in the cyber world)...more specifically in Second Life. Woohoo.
I'm ready for winter break.

I'm starting to think my thesis work will be over religion and popular culture to some extent, I just don't know what yet.

Tomorrow is my only final exam and once that's done I'm taking myself to the public library to get some books that I want to read... I couldn't be more excited!

Good-bye Second Life...it was fun while it lasted.

Star of Wonder...

2007-12-07T22:17:00.000-06:00

(The picture is the view from my apartment's back door.)

I love the light pollution winter brings.

The remaining snow on the ground reflects the light from the street lights, the stadium and parking lots and it is gorgeous.

It reminds me of those longs summer nights at camp, but instead of a campfire I'll take a fire in the fireplace and the ice cold beer has been replaced by peppermint schnapps in hot chocolate.

It is beautiful crisp evenings like this that I walk a little slower to my apartment door and take another cold deep breath.

Life is beautiful.

I'm off to Springfield for a few days to celebrate birthdays, finish my Second Life paper and possibly get snowed in. :-)

Can you blame the sky for having clouds?

2007-11-30T22:56:00.000-06:00

(If you don’t feel like reading there’s a cute hamster picture at the end of this entry ;-) )

A paper I wrote for my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class yesterday morning (7 pages in 2 hours...I still rock!) got me thinking about the nature of my personality versus the person I desire to be.

My paper dealt with "conflict transformation", specifically what various religious groups are doing to aid in the process. My research gave me a plethora of examples, and I am still in awe of those individuals who bravely put their own lives on the line to help resolve and transform conflict in violent, tense situations.

Allow me to let you in on the train of thought which led from the Catholic Relief Services to my personal discomfort with how snarky I can be when it comes to ex-boyfriends-

I wonder what causes conflict, what is at the root of hatred? In my small group in class we swerved pretty far off topic and found ourselves discussing Mel Gibson's hate speech during his DUI arrest. It was unimaginable to us how an individual could hate another person so much simply because of their race or religion or what have you.

A quote I used in my paper from Douglas Johnston makes me wonder…

“Reconciliation born of spiritual conviction can play a critical role by inspiring conflicting parties to move beyond the normal human reaction of responding in kind, of returning violence for violence”

Is this really the “normal human reaction”? Is this what we’re programmed to do? Is my default setting hatred and a thirst for retribution?

Sometimes I think that might be true. I’m horrible when it comes to ex-boyfriends…don’t think that I don’t have multiple scripts in my mind of mean snarky things I’d love to say to them, especially if their wives/fiancées/girlfriends were around. The hurt I felt has congealed into repulsion and general spitefulness.

So I’m working through it; I’m working through the hurt to transform my own conflicts into positive energy. I want so badly to live the Eightfold Path, to truly love my neighbor as myself…but why should that be a such a struggle for me unless I’m inherently broken?

So what is it?

Can you blame the sky for having clouds?
(Inherent goodness with a few bad days)

Or

Can you blame a fire for burning?
(Inherent brokenness explains everything)

I'd love to hear what you think...

Here’s the afore-promised hamster picture! Aww…

Harry Krishna

2007-11-27T22:47:00.000-06:00

Pictures are over rated sometimes...here's a video-

Mark decided I needed a reason to come home at night, so he got me this adorable hamster. We had a few issues last night with a noisy wheel, but now that I've got that problem fixed Harry and I are quite peacefully co-habitating.

Expect to hear more about him now that I have become a crazy hamster lady.

And before I forget, thank you to Eli for agreeing to be Harry's godfather...you can school him in the ways of musical theatre and Wii!

With a Little Help From My Friends...

2007-11-25T20:34:00.001-06:00

So Marko Polo and I got creative tonight and produced this little ditty-

With a Little Help From My Friends

You might want to turn down your speakers a little...we're rockstars!

The quote at the beginning is from Across the Universe soundtrack. If you haven't seen the movie yet *ahem Mom and Dad ahem* I definitely recommend it.

Enjoy!

Happy Chrismahannukwanzafestivivsolstice

2007-11-20T22:12:00.000-06:00

(Pardon my momentary inflammatory speech)

Dear Right-wing Fundy Christian Whiners-

Please shut up.

Thanks and blessings!

Lindsey in Lawrence

You have absolutely no right to complain that we have completely removed Jesus from the Christmas season, as I am pretty sure I was forced to endure a techno-remix of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" while shopping at Victoria's Secret.

Jesus and underwear don't mix....give me Madonna's "Santa Baby" any day. Maaaybe I'll just put those back (kidding...kidding)!

However I will stick to "Happy Holidays" when greeting people around this time of the year, not out of lack of reverence for the season or fear of offending, but because I think Jesus would like us to celebrate his *ahem* "birthday" by loving one another and being inclusive.

Peace in Action

2007-11-15T14:27:00.000-06:00

I had a great experience in my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class this morning.

We were fortunate enough to have a former KU student (he graduated in May) come and speak to us. His named is Jon Dennis and he is involved in all sorts of activist and peace organizations, and even started one of his own on KU's campus. He spoke about his experiences protesting the war (being arrested for civil disobedience) and his current activism project helping tenants of low-income housing fight for their rights. What I found most interesting is that he was raised a Pentecostal, yet now considers himself a Quaker. Jon will be headed off to Thailand with the Peace Corps in January and I wish him the best of luck!

Along the same lines I'd like to share with you a couple of people who are doing great things in the world-

Beth's Peace Corps Adventures in Honduras

I've known Beth since middle school...she's an old camp friend who spent many a semester during her college career at TCU abroad in Central and South America. Now she's in Honduras with the Peace Corps doing community development work. You should definitely check out her blog and the work she's doing.

Andrea in the Peace Corps
Another camp friend of mine, Andrea, is also serving in the Peace Corps. She was just recently deployed to Turkmenistan (I'll admit, I had to go look that up on a map) and is documenting her journey as well.

Both these women are courageous and I'm proud of them. It takes a special sort of person to volunteer their time and 27 months of their life to go abroad, and I know they will do good things. I hope to join their ranks some day...until then I'll live vicariously through their blogs. :-)

Today's Life Lesson

2007-11-15T14:15:00.000-06:00

Do not go to the grocery store when you are in a bad mood.

The fat kid ran rampant today at Dillon's. Everything in my cart was either full of sugar, sodium or fat. The fat kid grabbed Fruity Pebbles and popsicles, PopTarts, cheese and tortillas...

After I talked myself down and picked up some apples, bananas and whole wheat bread, I desperately searched every aisle for some glorious processed cheese product....because the only thing that could make me feel better at this point is grilled cheese, dammit.

With Thanksgiving coming up it's going to be a long week for my stomach. *rarrr*
Bring on the food.

The Grumpy Feminist

2007-11-14T20:51:00.001-06:00

"Feminism is a struggle to end sexist oppression. Therefore, it is necessarily a struggle to eradicate the ideology of domination that permeates Western culture on various levels as well as a commitment to reorganizing society so that the self-development of people can take precedence over imperialism, economic expansion, and material desires.” -bell hooks

This is what I looked like on the inside during REL 601 today.

We were discussing feminist and gender critiques of religion (Rita Gross and Marsha Hewitt) as well as feminist reconstructions of religion.

Jen and I, being the ones to present for the day, were on top of our game and ready to roll. This was our thing, what we're interested in..the sort of thing that really fascinates me.

But then it happened...the same way it always happens. We're literally two sections into Jen's outline on the Rita Gross reading and all of a sudden the men are on the defensive.

One of them starts spouting off about how this feminist propaganda is completely anti-male; another starts some sort of strange rant about how even if we have women's studies, there aren't that many significant women to study and therefore spending 50% of your time on women would take vital time away from the vast array of significant men to study. Oh and then we wasted ten minutes listening to the discussion of how women aren't considered "other", and I quote..."I mean, they may be lesser humans but they're still humans".

I spent most of my time biting my pen, because to me feminism and religious studies are about dialogue, about listening to the others around you and seeking understanding...but how do you seek understanding when those around your are on the defensive?

I'll admit it- I threw away any sort of skillful means I may have been endowed with and just straight up went on the attack. Which, if you know me, means I said one mean thing very politely in a way that no one understood I was being mean. Ha!

If I understand correctly, the main complaint of the "propaganda" guy was that women's studies is just like affirmative action. He offered the metaphor of a pendulum, saying that perhaps it has swung in the direction of androcentrism (male centered) focus, but insisting on women's studies simply pushes it way too far in the other direction.

I couldn't chew on my pen any longer. I calmly offered this-

The problem with the pendulum in our society is that we see it as "normal" and "centered" when in all actuality it is stuck quite far on the androcenterist side. An emphasis on women's studies and gender does not push the pendulum too far the other direction, but rather seeks to bring it back to center. It will take time of course, but a push in the other direction is necessary to bring us back to center.

It is so frustrating to me when men jump to the defensive when it comes to discussing feminism. Feminism is not man-hating...it is all encompassing. Those two particular men in my class made it quite clear the inherent patriarchal fear of losing their position in society.

Ahh well. Boys will be boys eh? I'm not discouraged...just grumpy.

There's Nothing New on Television

2007-11-08T16:05:00.001-06:00

(And I'm not just talking about the writer's strike!)

Dear Ellen Degeneres-

I am disappointed.

You should fire whoever does the research for your talk show.

This afternoon's episode involved "Kid Inventors", today in particular featuring young girls who had made inventions. The first girl was cute, having invented a back pack that has an umbrella attached...but the second girl *sigh* shame shame. She "invented" a peanut butter jar with two lids.

*FLASHBACK TO 1998*

There used to be a show on Nickelodeon called "Figure It Out" where celebs had to guess the hidden talent of the young guest. On a particular "Family Style" episode a young man and his mom presented ...guess what? A peanut butter jar with two lids.

I, being the great member of the Millenial generation that I am, am appalled that this particular girl would try to sneak this by us.

Ugh. If the writers and those with the money could come to an agreement a little faster, that would be great. I'm about done with re-runs of the Daily Show.

(Forgive my moment of shallowness, I'm getting sick thanks to this crazy up and down change in weather and this sort of thinking is currently easier than tackling real issues. I appologize.)

Only 48 Shopping Days Left...

2007-11-07T09:56:00.000-06:00

We started playing Christmas music at Pier 1 yesterday.
(*BIG SARCASTIC SMILE*)

Since there are two different versions of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" on the CD, I was lucky enough to hear it 6 times in my 8 hour shift. Oh and who doesn't love a disco version of "Do You Hear What I Hear" and a jazzed up version of "Jingle Bells"? It's novel the first two times...after that I really just had to stick my fingers in my ears.

Christmas Carols are like hymns to me...very rarely do I stop to actually listen to the words and when I do, I wish I hadn't.

I am now officially creeped out by Santa.
In "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" we learn that Santa "sees you when you're sleeping/he knows when you're awake/he knows if you've been bad or good/so be good for goodness sake". We give Santa this creepy god-like omnipotence, but just as I'm wondering whether or not Santa is sort of a representation for God I hear "Here Comes Santa Clause"-

Peace on earth will come to all
It we just follow the light
So lets give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight!

Oh yes...let's thank God that a creepy fat man in a red suit is going to magically squeeze his way down all the chimneys in the world and leave gifts while gorging himself on milk and cookies. Let's thank God for the spirit of consumerism Santa instills in us all. That's surely the way to peace on Earth. Ugh.

It's going to be a long 48 days!

If I ever have kids (as that is a potentiality I have) I'm not sure that I'm going to encourage them to believe in Santa. That's right, my kids will be the ones that make your kids cry in kindergarten when they tell the class Santa isn't real. But maybe I'm just bitter thanks to all the holiday cheer being crammed down my throat through the audio system. I'll get back to you in a few years. ;-)

Convenient Concussions

2007-11-06T11:06:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning I gave myself a concussion.
"No more monkeys jumping on the bed" means nothing to me apparently, as I flopped back on my bed and knocked my head squarely against the wall.

I suppose you could call it serendipitous (though right now I'm just calling it a headache) because from the time I hit my head at 9 am until about 6:30 pm I don't really remember any conversations I had. This includes some rather stressful conversations, and while I remember being upset, I don't remember what was said. While I do feel bad for whatever I may have said that was inappropriate and I apologized...it's an odd feeling to not have those words still bouncing around in my head.

Perhaps ignorance really is bliss. I keep thinking about "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and what it would mean to actually mentally "erase" people from my life.

If you could get rid of certain memories, would you do it?

PS: Speaking of forgetting- I keep forgetting to thank TheMindtaker for doing such a wonderful job creating my header. He's quite talented with Photoshop. Thanks Gabriel!

Craving and Clinging

2007-11-05T00:31:00.000-06:00

It's nights like these
(when I am screaming and sobbing into my pillow for lack of understanding of anything)
that make me wish I didn't have to grow up.

I drove myself home from my store meeting tonight, sat down in my button up dress shirt and khakis and had a glass of wine. Later, to my horror, I discovered the beginnings of wrinkles on my face. I'm 23...why do I feel 35?

Part of me (that prior to writing this entry was screaming and sobbing) wishes I could just wander down the hall to my parents bedroom, wake Dad up and actually believe him when he says its all going to be okay. Right now, I'm not doing a very good job of convincing myself.

I just want to be understood and accepted.
I spend my days acting- at work, at school...trying to fit in accurately in social situations.
One Lindsey for this setting, another for a different time and place.
It's tiring. I lose track of myself.

I am so insecure about letting my guard down and simply being comfortable, that when I do...the slightest little off-handed comment sends me into a tail-spin.

I just wish all those freshmen weren't so cute.
I hate November.

Maintain the Quarantine

2007-10-27T13:53:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting here in Drury's library in beautiful Springfield,MO... I'm supposed to be working on a book review due next week, but instead I've been busy playing addicting online games, facebook stalking and watching Mark write his Leibniz paper for Modern Philosophy. I decided to take a momentary break from the mind-numbing to blog.

I've been neglecting this thing, but it hasn't been for lack of ideas. I wanted to make a great post on torture and the ideas I'm learning in my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class. I

I also really wanted to write about this new Planned Parenthood blog, I Am Emily X, which has entries written by Planned Parenthood workers and allows you to pledge a certain amount per every protester that shows up outside of a specific PP during the anti-choice groups' "40 days for life campaign".

But alas, papers and classes have kept me away from my beloved blog. Silly grad school.

All that aside... I'd like to pose a question to you, my loyal readers-

Last weekend Mark and I watched "28 Weeks Later", the horrible sequel to "28 Days Later". Though some people classify the two as zombie movies, they're really not. Zombies are the undead, reanimated to life by some sinister force or virus or whatever...point is- zombies are dead humans brought back to life. In the 28 series, the so-called "zombies" are actually just humans who have contracted the "Rage virus" which makes them lose control and mercilessly tear other people to bits and/or gouge other people's eyes out with their thumbs. (Was that really necessary? Ugh.)

Watching the sequel prompted both Mark and I to promise each other that we would shoot the other one if for some reason they ever contracted such a virus. (And trust me Mark, I will definitely shoot you before I have to die bleeding out of my empty eye-sockets. ) As Mark put it- "It wouldn't be me."

So here's the question- What makes you YOU? How do you identify what is you and what is not? If I contract an illness that causes brain damage and experience a personality change (I start acting like I'm "not myself") am I a different person?

If you identify yourself simply with your body, then what about zombies? Is a dead person reanimated still that person, even if their desires have changed? (i.e. BRAAAAAAAIIIINNNNS!)

Perhaps I'm putting waaaay too much thought into silly zombie movies, but it's Halloween! :-)
And I'm curious to hear what you think...

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go dig up Drury's copies of the Dianetics. My Thetan levels are too high. ;-)

10.16.07

2007-10-16T01:15:00.002-05:00

October and November are always difficult for me.

Maybe it's the mid-term crunch, the impending doom of papers and finals, the change in the weather, the stress of long distance relationships, of old relationships, of newly re-defined relationships...who knows?

All I know is it's never easy and while I am doing my best to not fall victim to my autumn slump this year, it feels like I'm climbing up hill.

I tend to not want to blog or even write in my own personal journal because I don't want any of this mood recorded for posterity. So I apologize if posts are few and far between...I don't think you care about my "the days are getting shorter" grumpiness anyway. ;-) Haha!

I'm going to start working more hard core on my "Second Life religiosity" paper, so expect updates on that...I'm pretty excited. :-)

However I'm not giving up hope that there is a possibility that this autumn could be di

When you were young and your heart was an open book...

2007-10-11T22:52:00.000-05:00

So I have another song to add to the list of "Songs Lindsey Isn't Allowed to Listen to While Driving"-

"Live and Let Die" a la Paul McCartney.

This list currently contains any Rob Zombie song and the techno song "Sandstorm", and while I had successfully gotten over my nasty little speeding habit by the age of 21...listening to these songs can be quite dangerous.

If for some reason I give up on academia, I think I will become a stunt driver. You see, when I'm behind the wheel and some crazy song with a driving beat and killer riff comes on I find myself wanting to re-enact a scene from "Death Proof". But rest assured I'm not going to take anyone on a killer ride in my little Honda Accord...however, if you ever meet Quentin Tarantino and he starts talking about a Death Proof 2, give him my number. ;-)

PS: That picture is old. My car is currently just fine! :-D

all things grow, all things grow...

2007-10-10T22:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes real life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Like when you wake up from a really good dream and realize you're still alone...

Or when you finish your first graduate school midterm only to realize 5 minutes later that you answered the whole last section incorrectly... at least this time you weren't alone!

But sometimes real life can be so good...

Like when you get out of class an hour early and go out to dinner with your classmates. It's so nice to have female companions around again. (No offense boys!) I've missed the joy of girl talk and the lovely ladies of the 118.

And who doesn't love spinach and feta surrounded by flaky phyllo dough with yummy yogurt sauce? Oh yeah...that would be my stomach. Screw it.

Life is good.

Church in RL v. Church in SL

2007-10-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

I went to church twice today...sort of.

This morning I headed into KC to go to worship service at Shawnee Park (my home church where I grew up). I needed a little "introvered extrovert" time and church was the perfect place to recharge. I was able to be around people, instead of alone in my apartment, but I didn't have to really talk to anyone either. Lucky me, we sang some of my favorite songs and I was able to get much-needed hugs from my multiple sets of church parents.

Fast forward to this evening...

After I just couldn't take any more of "The Fox and the Jewel" for my Religion in Japan class, I hopped on Second Life. My avatar appeared in the last placed I'd visited which happened to be Koinonia Church, which is "affiliated" with the UCC. I figured there was definitely less of a chance I'd be hit on by half naked strange avatars there, so I decided to hang out for awhile.

And wow, I'm glad I did! I was able to meet the pastor of the Second Life (SL) church, Sophianne. In real life (RL) she's a Master of Divinity student at Candler divinity school which is a part of Emory University in Atlanta. She's writing her thesis on this sort of technological spiritual experience, and I'm looking forward to talking to her more about it in the future as I write my research paper at the end of the semester and develop my thesis topic.

Maybe this SL world isn't all bad. It's possible there are pockets of good intentions...I think so.

But once again it's strange for me, because as I sat there talking to the people who were hanging out at Koinonia, I was sitting in my apartment in my underwear drinking a beer and no one was the wiser!

Opportunity

2007-10-06T16:01:00.000-05:00

Last night at work gave me the perfect opportunity to reach outside myself and practice compassion.

I was in a grumpy mood when I showed up for my 1-9:30 shift yesterday. I was going to grit my teeth and get it done, but I was going to grumble my way through it.

Things changed however when I realized I wasn't the only one having a bad day. My friends who were working that night were having it a lot more rough than perhaps I
ever have.

So I took a deep breath and took Thich Nhat Hahn's advice about intentional listening and deep understanding. I can only hope that talking to someone helped them to feel a little better, but I will probably never know. I do know however that it felt good for me to step outside myself and try to genuinely be there for another person. It's an amazing experience when time and the rest of the world slows down and you can mindfully be present with another human being.

I think the hardest part of understanding suffering is understanding (and more so accepting) that not only is the victim hurting, but the one who perpetrated the hurt is suffering just as much if not more so. We like to "otherize" people who hurt us. We don't want to understand or feel compassion for our enemies.

I like the quote on Kat's facebook profile- "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Another thought- Sushi four times in the past week. Not only am I spoiled, I'm probably going to get mercury poisoning.

Do you care for tea?
Clean cup, clean cup. Move down!

---EDIT---

Lindsey Dayafter got bored checking out churches and other serene places, so she headed to a place called "Lucifer's Nightclub" or something to that effect to get her groove on. I don't know how long I can continue with this Second Life experiment because I'm already tired of people propositioning me. Get a life people...sheesh.
Oh wait...

Free Burma

2007-10-04T14:45:00.000-05:00

Lindsey gets a Second Life

2007-10-04T14:00:00.000-05:00

Okay I'll admit it (because that's all I do on this blog any more) I joined Second Life. After that discussion in class during our session on Durkheim (see post), I was curious.

So I made an avatar (named Lindsey Dayafter) and set off to explore this new online world. People have apparently been making a lot of money selling items and real estate in this second world. You can hold concerts and movie screenings, get married and even go to church...which is where I come in.

My intention behind joining Second Life is to explore the spiritual life that avatars (and the people behind them) have. Today I spent some time exploring different "houses of worship", from LifeChurch.tv's building, to the Church of Satan, to a Zen meditation center and finally a Catholic monastery. The picture above is of my avatar kneeling in prayer at a chapel in the monastery. It's pretty cool. I'm looking forward to going back to the various different places of worship to check out their services and discussion groups.

But here's the question- is this real spirituality, real religious devotion? I mean, you can see quite clearly that my avatar, Lindsey Dayafter, is kneeling and praying in the Second Life world, but in all honestly I was eating lunch and watching *cringe* Maury while my she was being pious. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to people and find out what this means to them, if they do this with devotion or just for fun.

The internet is such a strange new world that absolutely fascinates me...especially when religion is involved. Hmm...do I smell a thesis topic?

----EDIT---

Apparently Lindsey Dayafter is quite the pluralist-

Meditating at a Buddhism and Yoga center (it's also a nightclub and has a stage for concerts)

Meditating at a Shinto shrine which also had a giant gold Buddha next to it

Worshiping at that Shinto shrine

(Lindsey's been busy)

And any time you feel the pain...

2007-10-02T11:34:00.001-05:00

As cliche as it is, I've had a line from RENT stuck in my head since yesterday-

"The opposite of WAR isn't PEACE...it's CREATION!"

Why was this particular line stuck in my head you ask? I'll admit it- my birthday weekend wasn't that great. No one's fault really, my body just declared war on itself and I didn't deal with it very well.

Now, in the recovery period, I'm embracing my unfortunately Type A personality...
I don't relax very well I've realized. For that longest time I've been frustrated with this, as I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can't just veg out on the couch and watch TV and feel better.

So I spent yesterday relaxing my way- by getting stuff done. Truck day at work was a great way to work through my stress. Brett and I kicked ass unloading the truck and getting all the candles unpacked and put away before we went home (that usually never happens). I felt so good about being productive that when I got home, I made and froze enchiladas so I could have dinner for sometime later this week and paid all of my bills. Sushi with Kat and Meghan, followed by Pan's Labyrinth was a great way to end the day.

At the end of it all I went to bed with a sense of relief, feeling like I'd gotten something done.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm slowly learning to be okay with my form of relaxation. While I'm sure there will be days where vegging out on the couch is the best option, I feel like yesterday was a big step in the right direction. Creating and accomplishing brings me peace.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have stuff to do. ;-)

Educated Horses

2007-09-28T17:36:00.000-05:00

The Tough Guy adjusted her aviator sunglasses, checked her hair in the rear view mirror and sped out of the apartment parking lot onto 15th street.

It was a gorgeous day outside; the kind of day that makes you want to roll down your windows and force everyone else to listen to your horrible taste in music. Rob Zombie it is, the Tough Guy thought as the sunlight bling-ed off her nose ring.

Her destination- the cigar store. It was buy 3 get one free day and the Tough Guy wanted some birthday cigars. Later, Left Hand Milk Stout and Kahlua smoke dancing on her tongue would make her very happy she made the journey.

Such a gorgeous day outside, but why couldn't she shake the horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach?

Was it the...? No. Maybe the.... ? No.

Oh yeah...she realized. Cupcakes don't keep for three weeks. No matter how badly I want chocolate, fuzzy german chocolate is never a good idea.

---

It's my birthday weekend (I turn 23 on Sunday) and I am very excited. :-)
Mark's coming into town and we have all sorts of entertaining things planned.
Enjoy your weekend!

This Worldly

2007-09-27T21:53:00.001-05:00

(Btw, this picture is of a real cell phone charm you can buy on Ebay...so if you can't think of a birthday present for me... ;-))

In my Religion in Modern Japan class we've been studying what are called "new religions". (The new religions are basically religions that aren't the two historical religions of Japan- Buddhism and Shinto. ) There is one in particular that we focused on- Kurozumikyo, that I think is really interesting...but I'll comment on that at a later date.

One of the major critiques of religion in Japan is that it is too focused on "worldly benefits". There are multiple shrines and rituals that focus on specific needs and wants of the religious actors- for example a shrine where you can get amulets for protection of a new car. You pray to the various kami (deities) for prosperity and good fortune.

But I got to thinking- how often is Christianity subject to the same thing?

"Oh God if you just help me pass this test I promise I'll go to church every Sunday!"
"Please God, I want my team to win tonight..."
You get the picture...

What is the point of religion in the Western world? Does it help us feel more fulfilled as humans? Or do we go to church and pray simply to reap the benefits and blessing that we hope will be bestowed upon us?

I'd like to say that religion should be about fulfillment and living a better life, but then again I'm the girl who does experiments in instantaneous karma by donating to the Salvation Army and then buying a lottery ticket.

Just a thought...

I'll be seeing youIn all the old familiar places...

2007-09-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

First off let me say- I am not a big fan of "chick flicks". While I do watch them from time to time, I'd definitely prefer a good comedy or sci-fi flick.

However, last night I found myself watching the chick flick to end all chick flicks- "The Notebook".

I thought I could just blow it off, that it would be a nice way to end my weekend stay in Springfield and it would give Marko Polo some time to get some homework done...Nope.

Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably and slow dancing with Mark as the credits rolled.
Damn you "The Notebook". Damn you.

I don't know what it was- my subconscious fear of getting old and senile, the beautiful tragedy that was the love story...who knows? The movie wasn't even that good!

What I do know, and what is good is the beautiful non-so-tragic love story that is my life. It's so wonderful to love without compromises and be loved in return for who I am (even if who I am means sobbing at a silly chick flick). Finally...Love- to be understood, supported and challenged...to feel renewed.

For the burden of life
is love,

but we carry the weight
wearily,
and so must rest
in the arms of love
at last,
must rest in the arms
of love.   -ginsberg

In other news-

Maitreya has come to Pier 1! Well Budai technically, but who really knows the difference anyway? ;-) While I'm still sad that I sold my favorite Amitabha the other day, it's nice to have a smiling face around the store.

Life is good. Very good.

Letters

2007-09-20T12:01:00.000-05:00

To the nice guy in my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace Class-

Thank you for always nodding your head in agreement with whatever anyone says, even when they're rambling a little. You always manage to make me feel like I'm not a complete idiot, even on those days when I'm Moses without Aaron. Thank you also for reminding me that we should support each other in class and actually listen instead of just waiting for our turn to talk.

Sincerely,
That Girl Who Asked You What Gauge Your Ears Are

To Gmail-

Stop reading my emails. Your personalized ad thing at the top of my inbox is starting to make me mad. I do not need a fake doctor's note as I really was sick yesterday, and just because I have swollen lymph nodes it does not mean I have lymphoma.

Regards,
Sick Girl

I just handed in the first paper of my graduate school career this morning. Ironically enough I'm ambivalent about my work on "The Ambivalence of the Sacred". I'm just glad to have it done and to be jetting off to Springfield for the weekend. Life is good.

I Don't Believe in Peter Pan Frankenstein or SupermanAll I Wanna Do Is...

2007-09-17T22:38:00.001-05:00

My early birthday present from my parents this year was a bicycle.
I was really excited about going for rides and being able to get to class much easier...that was until about 11:15 today.

The Mindtaker was kind enough to accompany me on my inaugural ride, thankfully, because not too long into my ride I thought the bottom half of my body was going to forcibly remove itself from me. Okay perhaps I'm being a bit over-dramatic (Me? Never!), but I hadn't been on a bike in forever and it really REALLY hurt. I wanted to quit. We weren't even on campus yet and I wanted to give up and walk the damn thing home.

Gabriel was patient with me, (I'll admit I was acting like a five year old) and reminded me that it would get easier, that I should put the bike in a lower gear, and that I could do it. He didn't agree when I made disparaging comments about how I looked like a "dipwad" pedaling in such a low gear, and even humored my attempt at feigning bike knowledge when I told him he needed to raise his seat. We managed to make it all the way to the religious studies building and back...even surviving the descent down a steep hill directly south of my apartment complex. No brakes....next time. :-) Thanks Gabe, I couldn't have done it without you.

Supposedly you never forget how to ride a bike. I call bullshit on that one. I needed time to re-learn, to gain balance, to use muscles long forgotten.

I think my spiritual life is looking more and more the same way. It's been so long since I've legitimately practiced, actually put devotion and intention into it, that I'm scared. I try a little, here and there, but 5 minutes into it I'm about ready to give up...and I do.

I'm realizing more and more that spirituality is hard to foster (at least for me) by yourself. I need someone who can show me compassion and patience when I'm acting like a five year old. Someone who will encourage me and explore with me and not let me give up.

I used to think that everyone who followed some sort of organized religion were sheep. (Cynicism and skepticism are my vices.) But more and more it'd be nice to find someone who has a vague idea of what's going on, advice on how to get where I want to go and insights to share.

I just don't know that church is where I want to be. Even where I need to be.
Isn't there a lower gear for this whole spirituality thing?

It's All In Your Head...

2007-09-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

I spent some time yesterday thinking about suffering.

I'll admit it, I'm a little old lady- I occasionally struggle with sciatica and it was especially bad yesterday on my walk home from class. I felt a little bit like Igor dragging my foot behind me.
I know, I'm being over-dramatic...but you get the point.

But it got me thinking- what is suffering really?

We toss that word around sometimes without thinking. Suffering, for me, is nothing compared to the suffering of someone in say a conflict-ridden area of Africa.

But is there a hierarchy of suffering? Is my pain any less valid because of what I was born into?

Is the mental suffering many of us Americans struggle with less valid than the physical suffering of those in third-world countries?

I want to alleviate suffering. To devote my life to bringing peace to those around me.
Africa might be a bit hard for me to help all by myself at this point in my life.
So I'll start with an ice pack and my good friends and work from there.

Side-Tracking 101

2007-09-12T21:55:00.000-05:00

I learned how to do it in high school.

I perfected it during undergrad.

Now, I'm unintentionally doing it in my graduate classes.

Don't ask me how we did it, but somehow in REL 601: "Approaches to the Study of Religion" tonight I found an opportunity to drop the fact that a friend of mine from high school is now an adult film star and we wound up explaining to our prof. about "Furries". Yeah...you know, "Furries".

Durkheim would have been proud?

Seriously though, this conversation started because we were discussing Emile Durkheim's definition of religion-

"A religion is a unified system of beliefs and practices relative to sacred things, i.e. things set apart & forbidden-- beliefs and practices which unite in one single moral community called a Church, all those who adhere to them."

For Durkheim, religion is an expression of social cohesion. Its rituals serve as a reaffirmation of the society for its members. But, and this was our question for Durkheim, where do you draw the line?

The comment I made which got us side-tracked had to do with the internet and the cyber-communities we create. How do sites like Facebook, Myspace and even Second Life (where your avatar can attend mass and other religious services) affect our society and thereby our religious practices?

Facebook and blogs create arbitrary communities. We can choose to join, to participate and then just leave with no consequences. We create relationships with people we hardly know, keep up relationships with barely any effort and extend our social network further than someone like Durkheim in the early days of sociology would have imagined possible. It's so fascinating!

Long story of how we got to Furries short- If a group fits the requirements for a religion, can it be called a religion? Fetish groups and other online communities seem to fit Durkheim's 4 major functions of religion-

Disciplinary, forcing or administrating discipline
Cohesive, bringing people together, a strong bond
Vitalizing, to make more lively or vigorous, vitalise, boost spirit
Euphoric, a good feeling, happiness, confidence, well-being

But perhaps we're really just replacing the real deal with easier, less demanding substitutes.

So here are my questions for you, fearless readers-
What's your new religion?
And how do you feel about online communities? Are they a positive experience? Or are they even a real society?

Aaaaand....Go!!

Nice Marmot

2007-09-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

I blame my recent atrocious streak of solipsism for my current fit of pique.

Tonight's disconcerting realization at Panera- I might actually be a nihilist.

"We believe in nothing Lebowski!"

So in an attempt to save myself from epistemological peril and to thwart off a second existential crisis, I'm embarking on a odyssey with Esther Lightcap Meek and her book "Longing to Know". It should make for some enthralling posts. Perhaps she shall be my personal thaumaturge.

This ambivalence is arduous...as are these $10 words. Ha!

Second thought for the evening: I'm better at listening than I am at sharing. I'm better at writing my thoughts and feelings than I am at speaking them. I could email you, but I've never wanted to be THAT girl. Oh but wait. I am.

Long Time, No Post

2007-09-09T21:25:00.000-05:00

(Photo Credit: Marko Polo)

So apparently I made my Labor Day weekend last a week. Eh. I needed it.

My weekend spent with Mark and his family was great, especially in retrospect after having spent this weekend hanging out at the Pier...1 that is.

Last night at work was pretty awesome. I was the closing manager and the other associate on duty had never worked a real shift before. I became the goddess of my Pier 1 universe- selling things over the phone, training the new associate and keeping my customers happy. What an awesome experience! I was on top of my game and loving it. These are the nights I live for.

But the comfort and enthusiasm were short lived. Having left my little Pier 1 bubble where I "freakin' rule", I hit a wall when I came home and the panic quickly set in.

My life feels bigger than I can handle. There are only so many situations I'll face in my time at Pier 1 and I've been trained to know the answers.

Life, on the other hand, doesn't really come with that sort of training.
I have several important decisions to make in the next couple of years, and right now it's rather daunting.

So I'll take a deep breath, and take it 10 minutes at a time.

First decision to make (and trust me, this won't be easy) is what I should do my MA "area of competency" in...eeeek!

Religion in the Ancient Near East and Mediterranean
Religion in Asia
Religion in the Middle East and North Africa
Religion in Europe
Religion in the USA
Religious Ethics
Jewish Studies
Islamic Studies
Theories and Methods of Studying Religion

The possibilities seem endless. I'm leaning toward Religion in the USA or Asia but really I want put my emphasis in gender studies... Now if only I can figure out a way to roll all 3 of those into one. :-D

I'll keep you posted.

My Long Weekend...

2007-09-04T20:47:00.002-05:00

I am single-handedly contributing to the hole in the ozone layer.
If only I didn't look so cute riding in Mark 's hearse !

This was my weekend-

Drive
"You make a good team"
Japanese Stroll Gardens
Sushi=Tipsy
Bid Day=Nasty
Kassie's Couch
Gailey's Gals
Ear Stretching
The Mall
Tofu Casserole
Shots=Drunk
Kassie's Couch
Drive
Nap
Drive
Freud
Ham Loaf
Convertible Hair
Mississippi River
Poker
Bed
Drive
Shower Reassurance
Drive
Pizza
1 Year Anniversary 8 Months Early
Blissful sleep
Love is all you need
Drive

Life is good. So good!

I want to write my words on the face of today.

2007-08-29T22:04:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all of you who responded to my last post. I appreciate your understanding and sharing while I work through this spiritual stumbling block.

I messed up my first graduate school assignment.

Yup. It's true.

I misunderstood what the professor requested of me, and after sending the assignment to him in an email, I received a response from him about 20 minutes before I left for class informing me of my mistake.
Oops.

At that moment time froze for me and the words of a very wise young man echoed in my head-

I can't control this situation. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it.

I took a deep breath.
No need to get upset, it was too late to fix it and this wasn't going to cause me to fail the class or anything.
I smiled, fired off a response telling Prof. to go ahead and make an example out of me (I'll take one for the team!) and popped in my headphones as I strolled out the door. It felt so good to have actually handled what could have been an anxiety-inducing situation well. I sang on the way to class I felt so relieved. I'm sure the people on 15th street thought I was crazy. ;-)

Sometimes all we need is a deep breath.

On different note- my graduate classes are amazing!
Religion in Modern Japan is currently blowing my mind. Shinto and all it's various kami and Japanese Buddhist practices like Sudden Death temples are just so...foreign!
Expect a post later once I process all this new information...
I love this stuff!

My new favorite thing about KU: The soap dispensers. The ones in the Union are automatic and have shiny silver soap. It's the little things that bring me joy!

A Peace of My Heart

2007-08-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

I have this bad habit that I'm desperately trying to un-learn.

Sometimes I feel like I'm an interruption, an inconvenience, in the lives of others.

I know exactly where this feeling comes from- damage done years ago, perpetuated by myself in the current situation.

But here's the real stumbling block for me- (and I'm confessing this in such a public forum as a way of forcing myself to deal with it)

I feel like if I forgive those in my past who (un?)intentionally caused these wounds, I'm condoning their actions.

If I forgive them, let go of these feelings of inadequacy, they get off scot-free. Like any good American I want "justice" (read: retribution). And for some reason me holding a grudge for years and years is going to achieve that?

Honestly, who am I really hurting by holding onto the hurt?
Oh yeah, me.

The feelings of inconvenience and inadequacy aren't the root of the problem, they're simply a symptom.
This is going to take some deep-seeing and understanding on my part. Patience. That's all I'm asking for.

Take these broken voices and learn to sing...

2007-08-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Soooo.....TheMindtaker and I did it again. That's right faithful readers, prepare your ears for the glory that is...

Well, whatever.

Blackbird

Yellow Submarine

I'm sorry. We had to. :-)

Growing up means...

2007-08-22T21:56:00.000-05:00

Growing up means you have to pack your own dinner to take to class with you, and it also means that you'll look like a bit of an alcoholic when the only brown paper bags you had once had bottles of Riesling in them. ;-)

Today my other two classes met for the first time. Let me just say, Wednesdays are going to be mentally exhausting. I have class from 2:30-8:30, so if you try to talk to me after, please don't expect too much out of me. ;-)

My first class of the day is "Approaches to the Study of Religion"- aka "The Required Course That Will Quickly Become the Bane of Your Existence After You Are Hopelessly Buried Under the 200 Pages of Reading You Have Every Week". Yay.

My other class is a seminar on Religion on Modern Japan...which is going to be awesome. Well, minus the fact that we're reading a text book pretty much every week. Hey...welcome to grad school.

Ugh my brain is dead. Sorry. Wine and strawberry bundt cake it is!
I'll try to be more interesting next time...

So I realized that I've been posting cute pictures of myself in the entries so far, but I'm a little afraid that this might be false advertising. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the honest truth- This is what I usually look like when I'm blogging. Lovely.

JoJo was a man who thought he was a woman...wait...

2007-08-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this by saying I have been watching entirely too much television lately .

I'm hooked on two shows in particular- Big Love and The Singing Bee. Seeing as my chances of actually getting a part on Big Love are slim to none, I've decided to put in my application to be on the Singing Bee. Seriously, I'm sitting here and I've got all these contestants beat. Oldies, 90s...you name it, I can sing it. I'll be emailing it in tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted. :-)

(This was the last time I sang in front of a large group of people, though most of the time I was lip syncing...shh ;-)

Reflection

2007-08-19T21:03:00.001-05:00

"Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves."- Elissa Melamed

So a conversation about feminism with Mark the other night got me thinking...reflecting if you will. We were talking about the choices women make- for example, if a woman chooses to stay at home and raise the kids, is this a "wrong" decision? Etc....

Well, our conversation has been rolling around in my head now for a few days and I want to share some of my thoughts and ask for yours as well...

My issue is not with the choices we as women make, but WHY we make them. If a woman wants to stay at home and raise her children, for me the issue is why does she want to do that? When the answer isn't "for her own self-fulfillment", then we have a problem.

So many of our actions and decisions are unfortunately governed by society- like thong underwear (I'll spare you that rant). Not all of these decisions are in our best interest, in fact some of them are down right harmful. The media fuels these ideas; magazines scream about the latest trends- Cosmo constantly offering us ways to please our man and lose 20 pounds at the same time!

Why? WHY? Why are we buying this crap ladies? Because it's what we think is expected of us? Because it's how we fit in?

Feminism encourages us....no wait, I encourage you to examine your decisions. Really think about why you do the things you do, buy the products you buy, wear the things you wear. (Guys, this goes for you too...)
I'm right there with you, re-evaluating the decisions in my life.

When we look a little deeper we may start to realize the unintentional harm we do to ourselves and others simply to "fit in". We must be more mindful of our decisions.

This is the way to change the system- to be intentional and deliberate in our consumption and actions.

Thoughts?

PS- Check out my double-jointed elbow. Ew.

A Day In the Life

2007-08-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

My first day of graduate school...my first day at the University of Kansas.

At 8:45 this morning I locked the door to my apartment and turned on my iPod. The Beatles' "new" Love album was my soundtrack of choice. To the tune of "Get Back" I embarked on my journey.

At 9:00 this morning I was cursing the sun with every sweaty bone in my body. My water bottle was half gone and I was only half way to class. Sunburn was imminent.

At 9:20 I arrived at Smith Hall, my home for the next 2 years, drenched in sweat and excited to start my Religious Perspectives on War and Peace class.

At 10:30 my professor had already dropped the "n" word, I'd met 20 great students who I look forward discussing the course matter with, and my four hours of sleep was catching up with me.

At 10:50 I strolled out the door of the beautiful icebox that is Smith and met Gabriel and we proceeded to walk back towards my apartment as I stripped down to my tank-top on the way. It was too damn hot.

At 8:45 this evening, 12 hours later, with a successful Pier 1 shift almost behind me I sat in an "Easy Rattan Chair" facing the window watching a gorgeous storm roll in to Lawrence as the rain poured down. Life is beautiful.

Who Has to Know?

2007-08-15T20:38:00.001-05:00

Our scene: The crowded, bustling bookstore at the Kansas University Student Union.

Enter: Our heroine, Lindsey, dressed in her khakis, "Life is Buddhaful" tank top, underwear inside out (unintentionally of course) and aviator shades perched on her head.

She takes a deep breath as she steps into the chaos...

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm not used to a school as large as KU; William Woods and Drury both had less than 5000 students. So to be surrounded by something like 28,000 students is a little bit mind-blowing.

But as I sit here now reflecting back on the bookstore situation (carton of Orange and Vanilla Swirl Rice Dream in hand) I can't help but wonder if I'll actually enjoy the anonymity. I mean sure I'll get to know the students in the Religious Studies program and I'll find my academic community there, but maybe it will be nice to zone out as I enjoy my 30 minute walk to class and not have to worry about who I'm going to see or how I look (which will be sweaty because it's still abhorrently hot here) because chances are I will never get to know these people. I get to sink into the comfort of being unknown.

Who am I kidding? I can't do that.
I long for a way to be connected to those around me. I love the interconnectedness I feel in large groups of people. I'm just like my brother, it's in my nature to become overly-involved and to make people know who I am and to love every minute of it.

I will find a way to enjoy being a medium fish in a large pond. No...wrong metaphor. Ew.
I will find a way to connect.
Watch out KU. ;-)

And on a completely different note- I miss real ice cream.

110 Degrees in the Shade

2007-08-13T14:50:00.000-05:00

It is too damn hot.
Silly mid-west humidity.
It's lay under the ceiling fan in your underwear drinking iced tea hot.

But with classes starting on Thursday, I had to put clothes on and venture over the the KU Student Union. Needless to say...it was a little crazy. I bravely strolled through the crowds, got my ID card and with a little help from TheMindtaker, found my books at the bookstore.

I'm very excited for my schedule-
Approaches to Study of Religion
Religious Perspectives On War & Peace
Religion & Society in Asia: Modern Japan

It's going to be a great semester and you can look forward to plenty of blog entries about these subjects and more. :-)

See? It's official.
(Yes I wore purple and white to get my photo taken. I'm still a Wildcat at heart!)

On a Hill Far Away...

2007-08-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

The day I never expected has finally arrived.

After months of walking past the Buddhas at Pier 1, fondly patting their cranial protuberances and musing over an Asian holy man becoming a decorative statement, I saw it.

That's right ladies and gentlemen- Jesus has become a photo holder. Well, not Jesus exactly, more like that torture instrument he was killed upon- a cross.

I can't seem to grab a picture of it to put up here, but trust me on the fact that Pier 1 now sells a cross which you can proudly display your family photos on. Ugh.

I will never understand why it is Christians choose to wear cross jewelry, to display it in their homes. To quote on of my favorite books about the Bible "The Pocket Guide to the Bible" by Jason Boyett "50 Cent's diamond-encrusted platinum cross necklace, while undoubtedly blingy, is about as classy as a rhinestone-studded electric chair swinging from a gold chain.

While I recognize the sacrifice of a death on the cross, I don't think it should be turned into a fashion statement. Ah but these are just some frustrating thoughts I can't flesh out quite yet.

Instead, I turn my attention back to my glass of wine and some oreo pudding. Life is good.

When it's late, and it's hotAnd an hour in the shower is the best that you've got...

2007-08-06T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I have some strange fears. I'm afraid of closed shower curtains and finding homeless people in dumpsters. Probably the strangest fear, the one which makes everyone say "Whaa? Ha ha ha"- is fish. This was me before going to the Oklahoma Aquarium on Friday-Mark, on the other hand, apparently likes fish. As you can see, he's obviously rather excited to be hanging out with some huge scary looking alligator gar-

I've slowly been trying to conquer this fear. It's not so much of a phobia that it destroys my life, but it would be so much easier to go to the seafood section of a grocery store or to go to a pet store. I spent my time at the aquarium breathing deeply and taking the occasional fish break by heading over to the sting-ray tank to look at creatures that don't create a panicked feeling within my chest. Well, until one of the sting-rays tried to jump out of the tank. I might have screamed...just a little.

Perhaps more important than conquering this fear, to me, is understanding it. So here's my attempt-

First of all, fish in the supermarket scare me because they are a dead thing in their whole form, yet they don't look dead. Ew. That would give anyone the heebie-jeebies I think. I mean come on, they have creepy eyes!

Secondly, and probably what scares me more is fish out of water. The idea that this creepy looking thing is going to die flopping and gasping and I don't know what to do and I won't want to pick it up and I won't be able to because it's flopping and....uggggghhhhhhhhhh.....

My fear is amplified by the idea that a living being will be suffering and I will be unable to help it because I am afraid.

So I breathe and remember that things will happen that are beyond my control. Creatures will live and die and the cycle of life will continue and fish aren't going to jump out of aquariums to attack me. (Homeless people are another story! ;-) Kidding...kidding).

I even found a fish I liked at the aquarium and Mark and I sat down for awhile to watch him and a whole bunch of other fish in the ocean reef tank. As silly as it was, I was pretty proud of myself. Here he is-

I picked him because he looked rather like a pillow I have on my futon...scary mouth and all.
Baby steps.

Where the Wind Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain..

2007-08-02T00:32:00.000-05:00

So Lindsey in Lawrence becomes Lindsey in Tulsa for a few days as I drag Marko Polo home with me for the weekend to face my fear of fish at the Oklahoma Aquarium. Ugh.

In the meantime, faithful readers, here's a little treat-

TheMindTaker recently taught me how to use Garage Band on my Mac and we recorded a few things. It's Gabriel on guitar and myself on flute. We are by no means professional musicians or singers but hey, it's good for a laugh! We're working on expanding our Beatles repertoire in order to play on Mass Street and earn money for day-old Jimmy John's.

Can't Buy Me Love

Across the Universe

Enjoy, and have a fabulous weekend!

Truck Day Gives Me the Sniffles

2007-07-31T00:00:00.001-05:00

No seriously! With all the dust in those boxes from goodness knows where, it's a wonder I haven't contracted SARS...yet.

When I know I'm scheduled for a truck shift at Pier 1, secretly I'm excited. I will groan and moan with the rest of the staff about how much stuff we have to unload and the truck driver who sweats all over us and I will mutter the occasional "Where the hell am I supposed to put this?" but inside, I'm squealing for joy.

You see, truck days are like Christmas for me. I get to spend all day opening up boxes of merchandise, smelling candles and playing my favorite game- "Where Can I Hide This?". Occasionally I'm rewarded with something as quirky as these golden "Yoga Frogs". Oh Pier 1!

But materialism aside, I like being able to work at work. I like having boxes to unpack, heavy furniture to move and something to get done. I like being able to completely immerse myself in that work. Mindfully (not mindlessly) opening boxes and unwrapping things gives my mind time to rest and gives me the opportunity to be fully present in the moment. This, I realized to day, is the secret to not breaking anything. (I'm horrible about breaking things. It's a miracle I still have a job some days.)

Moments of enlightenment and peace come to me not through sitting, but through doing. (Peanut butter sandwiches) Maybe unwrapping small Buddha heads for 2 hours isn't exactly sweeping the tatami mats at a Buddhist monastery, but it's as close as I'm going to get. And I love it.

So if you come to Pier 1 to see me on a truck day, chances are I won't be at the door to greet you. I'll be in a back corner somewhere, gently unwrapping Crisp Bamboo pillar candles and smelling each one before I set it in the wall.

Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you...

2007-07-29T20:50:00.000-05:00

Shh.... I've got a secret.

Every Sunday morning I get a little anxious as I roll over in bed and reach for my lap top. My pulse quickens as I open the screen and type in the web address...
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com

You see, a few weeks ago I created and mailed in 2 of my own personal secrets. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I sat in my living room with paper stuck to my fingers trying to glue little pieces of my past to a 4x6 card. Trying to make something that was true to me and yet still aesthetically pleasing.

Now every Sunday when the new post cards are posted, I await my fate. Will my secret be posted? Will I see my innermost thoughts plastered across the computer screen, bared for the internet community to read?

But probably the strangest question that has plagued me today is- why do I care?

It's a secret. No one will know it's mine because I've never told anyone before. I won't get any credit for it and no recognition for my honesty.
But yet, I want to see my anonymous submission up there.

I want strangers to judge me? People who don't even know me to laugh and feel better about themselves because of my secret?

No...I don't think that's it.
I think I submitted it for those who it might touch. For those guys and gals who are in the same situation, who want to stop feeling like they're all alone.

I want to see my secret posted on the blog so my honesty will be validated.
So my honesty will be rewarded.
So my honesty won't be in vain.

Perhaps the biggest question is- Why couldn't I have just told you?